Yes, these are all individual situations, aren't they? I was afraid you were going to say that. I was hoping for some nice clear instructions on what to do, but that's asking too much.
Here is my situation, best that I can make it out. I think my W's A is probably existing now as a weak EA. She has worked through much of her anger, and it has left her feeling much warmer toward me. She obviously likes my company, and I assume she's interested in how my being around makes her feel. However, she is NOT interested in moving home, and truthfully, I wouldn't let her. I think this house is too tied to her bad feelings and bad memories, and I wouldn't want to dredge those up if she's managed to heal. If my M does survive, it will be based on a new future, with a new place to live, a new marital plan, new respect for each other, etc.
I saw our MC last week, and an interesting thing happened. I have occasionally been going to our MC by myself. I know my W has been as well, although I don't know how much. Since we're now essentially doing separate counseling as separated individuals, our MC maintains confidentiality between us, so she wouldn't tell me even if I asked if my W was seeing her. Anyway, I was expressing much of what I discuss here, about how I don't know if I can maintain my self respect if I'm spending time with my W while she's still involved with the OM, etc. I was clearly feeling very angry at my W, since she hasn't shown one shred of remorse over what she's done. The MC asked me what I would need from her to start forgiving, and I said I would need her to express true sorrow and remorse over what she did, and I would need to hear in her voice and see in her face that she's feeling some of the pain that I felt. But since I was angry, I said I really didn't think she was capable of expressing that, as apologizing was never her strong suit during our M. My MC stopped and paused. I could see the wheels were turning in her head. Then she said "Don't give up on her." I was a little shocked. MC's are not supposed to tell you what to do. They're supposed to help you decide what you want to do. I asked "Why not?" She said "The way you two are changing, I wouldn't put anything out of reach." That left me feeling strangely optimistic.
Tonight I returned from a business trip, and I had to stop by my W's house to exchange vehicles. She was very nice, and invited me in to hang with the kids for a little while. I took her up on her offer. One of her friends showed up and they opened up a bottle of wine and offered me a glass, which I accepted. So I sat with my W and her friend drinking wine and joking around for a while. W's friend said I looked hot in my business suit, which was nice to hear. Another of my W's friends showed up, and I could see they were planning "girl talk" so I said goodnight to the kids and made my exit. I'm getting used to this, and it's making me nervous, like I'm heading for a fall.
