Holding onto Hope

[sandi2]

Wow! I was hoping that I was really wrong and that he had a wake-up call that would stick. At first, it probably did shake him up, but those times that he started acting withdrawn and quiet?.....that was when he was trying to make up his mind about whether or not to continue seeing the OW. He was also probably dealing with guilt feelings, but OW must have won out.

I tell ya, sweetie, I would be like you in that I don’t know that I could handle the acting “as if”, but.....but if you can, you could try this experiment to see if it gets you anywhere. I was about to respond to one of your post....well, I’ll just put it in a quote box:

“

I have a DB question. The guidance is for the LBS not to be too available (not answer phone right away). But what if one of the main complaints of the sep spouse is that they felt the LBS was not available enough to them (didn't always answer phone right away)? Do you still do that or do you answer immediately as a 180? In my case, I used to be bad about not always keeping my cell with me, sometimes forgot and left it on silent, etc. and it made my H so mad when he couldn't get me. So now I don't know if I should change that behavior or follow the DB guidance. Any thoughts?”

As a “general” rule, that is what's advised, but I wasgoing to tell you that since he has said that he needed you to show more emotional support and (probably availability), that maybe you should not use that technique b/c it does show you being rather “hard to get”. If you have the stomach for it and can do it, you could try a while longer to see if there are any changes in his behavior. The reason I suggest that you try to continue to act as if everything is okay, is b/c he could be still trying to make up his mind about the two women in his life. I know how that must make you feel to hear it put like that, but that is what may be going on in his male mind. If you can “outshine” the OW long enough for it to dawn on his fogged up mind that you are the only jewel worth having, then you won’t be sorry for weathering the storm. As to how long you may have to do that may depend on how much strength you have in you. I do actually know of more than one case where that techniques has worked. One case was with a person who started here on the board and then asked for my help off the board b/c her H had found her posts. By then he had moved out and the A was going full force. But, she kept saying that she was going to continue to outshine the OW and low and behold, he came to his senses and he came back home to her and the kids. So, anything is possible. I don’t know that I could have endured what she did, but she had the right stuff and she won out.

So, if you can hold on for a while longer, why don’t you try? If it gets too much to endure, then we can talk some more about what to do. I never think a woman (or man) should ever become a doormat or do anything that makes them feel degraded or lose their self confidence. That is not outshining the OP. Always, expect your H to respect you. If he doesn’t, then demand it and if he still doesn’t, then I say it is time to leave him. I don’t go along for one minute with that stuff. Of course, I know him going to see OW is a large form of disrespect, but I mean in how he talks to you and treats you when he is with you.

I am so proud of how you’ve worked hard to lose that weight! I wished I could get some off of me. I know it would help my feelings a lot. I hope you will continue to work at looking great b/c it will boost your self confidence and make you have more spunk. I think guys like gals with some spice, sass, and spunk.....don’t you?

Talk to you later,
Sandi