WAW1

[sandi2]

Hi Mark, you asked me to stop by and give my opinion about your stitch. First, let me just say that I take it as a compliment that you asked for my advise. It did make me wonder if you had read any of my post, though.

I have tried to read through your thread and catch up to date and I copied some statements that you have made. I started to delete them and just tell you that your wife is a bully and is used to doing whatever to you, and doesn’t want to give up her power over you. She knows you want to please her, Mark. She knows you will do whatever it takes to win her back. She can see through you better than any other person. So, with that said, you may not like some remarks that I make b/c I do speak plain at times, but it is not meant to be ugly to you.....only to get the point across--even if in a blunt way. So, here we go with the quotes and remarks.

“I do not portray this to anybody anymore as I put on a happy face and tell people everything is great including my wife. The problem I have is if she thinks I am over her she will assume I am ok with the situation and will not feel any guilt over what she is doing now. The anger towards me seems to have been lifted, but is this because we are separated and her affair has now moved to the next stage and she does not care anymore, or is it because her guilt has now passed because I openly show I look ok?”

Keeping a PMA is hard when you are hurting. Some people try so hard to “look” as if they are happy and as if everything is “great” until they come across as being very fake. Your wife probably sees this as “over-kill” when you are trying so hard in front of her. So, actually it is probably turning her off a bit. It may be easier on you to just try to act more yourself )but no pity-party business) instead of acting like you are just fine and dandy.

Don’t worry one second about thinking she will assume you are okay with the separation and pending divorce just b/c you are “acting” like you are fine. As I said, she probably knows you are faking it, but even if she didn’t......this fear you have of thinking she will get the wrong idea is very, very common for the LBS b/c they are living in a constant state of “fear” until they learn to get a grip (which you are a long way from doing) and you end up doing what you shouldn’t do b/c of the fear. So, let it go. Stop being afraid of what she will think or say or do.

As far as her anger seeming to pass……..that is a false hope b/c it is temporary, trust me. It also means she is getting her way where you and everything else is concerned. She may also be happy in her affair and the progress it is making. I am going to say this, and it is going to hurt and for that I am sorry, but you need to hear it. Right now, Mark, she does not care very much for you at all b/c all she is thinking about is her future and the OM. You are not even on the bottom of her list……you don’t even make the list. As far her guilt passing………that will come and go with her and she will battle that, but it is not……repeat…..NOT because you seem okay. If you went the opposite direction and played the victim and the “poor me” role, she would almost hate you, so again I say that has no bearing on her guilt or lack of it. In fact, if you were to play the “poor me” role, she would be so angry that it would only fuel her hatred for you.

“She also said I have now neglected the house when it is still my responsibility, which is true, but should I, and if I did I should do it for me, but I want to please her as well. The right thing to do I have read is treat your spouse like your best friend - If my best friend asked me to help with the garden I would. Trouble is I do not want to look like a doormat.”

Listen Mark, she is being a bully. She is “using you” to be her hired hand without the pay. You don’t need to make anything “easy” on her. Do you hear me? The more easy she has things, the more she will love being separated from you! Why do you say it is your responsibility if you don’t live there? Or do you? Maybe I overlooked that part. I assumed you were separated and thought you lived in different locations. Anyway, if the separation and divorce is her idea (and it is) then she needs to take care of wherever she lives. It is not your responsibility. She is laying a “guilt trip” on you and you buckle under every time. She knows how to “work you” very, very well!

About treating her like your best friend. In some cases....some rare cases, that works. I have even advised that route to take in a few stitches. But with you....NO SIR! She is not the type. She will use you and abuse you. She will walk all over you as long as you kiss her a$$. The only way you will ever get her attention is to use tough love. I like what Puppy says about treating your wayward spouse like your best friend. He asks the question, would you do that for your best friend if they cheated on you and lied to you? Your wife is having an open affair? Why treat her like a queen when she has obviously treated you like crap? Do you know how to treat a woman who is like your wife? You completely tune her out of your life. You ignore her. You never let her walk on you or bully you in any sense of speaking. You never do her any favors. (Did you hear that last one?) You never let her “guilt” you into anything. You do not return her messages or calls unless it is an emergency about YOUR children and nobody else. Are you getting the picture here? That is how you must treat a b*tch……and I’m sorry, but that is what she is! Told you I talk plain. If you will open your eyes, you will know I am right.

So, why do you want to please her??? I don’t get it! Oh, b/c you are still so in love with her, right? Yes, I know. And, I know it hurts like h*ll. But sweetie, you have got to find your balls and man-up or you will never stand a chance this side of eternity in having your family together again. You can forget about treating her like a friend for now. You can’t do what you would do for your friends, so stop comparing them.

“She said my FIL would probably like to come as he always has as a family, my wife said he will come as long as I do not keep giving her problems. I then said I might take somebody else, she said "what friend would want to go on a skiing holiday with two children"? I then said I might take somebody else, she then said "if you have a girlfriend by then, I don't think it would be very appropriate". I did not respond to this comment.”

This is a simple case of “control”, Mark. She is separated from you but she still wants the power to control your life, so she is sending daddy along to keep an eye on you. When she asked about what friend would want to go skiing with two children and the crack about taking a girlfriend not being appropriate....she was baiting you. She is pushing your buttons. I don’t know how you kept your mouth shut when she made that last statement! Kind of like the pot calling the kettle black....as the old saying goes. Like you have said before, that is why she wants you to have the kids staying over nights so often, so she can do the “appropriate” thing--like a good mother would.

“The thought of her being in a PA now is really eating me away, so my strategy is the above but it has only been a week since we separated, but my problem is I am so impatient, but she wants to re-build her life as she said to me this morning. I so want to reconcile, am I in denial, should I try and move on, though that is definitely not an option at the moment or in the future.”

Of course the thought of her in a PA is killing you. When it has been such a short time, you can’t expect anything else. Yes, you are impatient and it has only started. You must learn to be patient or you will feel like you are losing control of your life. So, that must be your priority. Mark, every man that has been left by his wife has said almost word for word that you have. They thought they would absolutely die if their wife did not return to them…..but they did not die. In fact, they learned they could detach and they could feel good about themselves and they could get a life that did not include their wife. But it does take more than a week or two. It takes many weeks and more like months to feel as though you have gained some ground. You have to keep at it and “work” at it hard. If you backslide……get back up and resolve to get going again and learn from what you did wrong. Just don’t give up or give in to her and her demands on you. That is where your weakness lies, Mark, is giving in to her b/c you want to please her. Make that a goal. I mean it. Make it your goal to stop pleasing her! That will help you to get your constant attention off of her and on to yourself and having a life.

“With me taking the children more then allows her to go and spend more time with OP, which I will think about even when I am with the children. I know it sounds selfish but I don't want it to sound like that. I just hate the thought of her with someone else having a great time.”

I’m not sure what you mean about sounding selfish. But you are correct in that is exactly what she is doing. She wants a free babysitter while she can go screw around. I have heard so many fathers say how they keep their children whenever the wife asks them to b/c they want to be with them, and I’m not saying that you don’t love your children and want to be with them, but I wonder if it is more of “pleasing” your wife and thinking that you are getting in her good graces or making "browing points" with her.....even though you know what she is doing all the time you are keeping those kids! Don’t be a fool, Mark. Even though you love your children more than life itself, you need to stick to the set times for your turn to have them and make her find somebody else to keep them on those other times. She apparently has a daddy, so they can stay with the grandparent(s) if nobody else. Stop pleasing her! Don’t use the excuse of loving to stay with your kids. Yes, I said “excuse” b/c you are so blind and in so much denial that you don’t even recognize the fact that is what you are doing.

“She has lost 2 stones in weight and looks great, this is why I lose focus when I am talking to her and become a gibbering wreck. I only have 8 to 10 weeks before the decree absolute comes through, though I will still continue to reconcile.”

Okay, if you can’t think and talk at the same time you are looking at her body…..then don’t look at her. However, don’t look down at your feet, either. Hold that head up high, just look off at something else, as if you are not interested in her at all. See? That would definitely be a 180 for you! That would get her attention and wonder why she was not getting “your” attention like she always has. See what I mean? Women want what they can’t have. You have made it very, very plain that you want her and that she can have you anytime and under any conditions if only she will reconcile. Well, she doesn’t want you b/c she CAN HAVE YOU! Make her think that she CAN’T HAVE YOU! Become unavailable to her. Don’t reveal your plans and activities to her. Don’t answer her questions. You do not owe her one thing! Don’t answer her pleas b/c she is playing games. If one trick doesn’t work, she’ll try another. Remember, Mark, I am a female and I know how they think!

I don’t understand your statement that you will still continue to reconcile. I thought that was when two people went back together. I did not know you could do it alone. I think, seriously, you need to totally forget about that happening this soon. I really think that the divorce will have to take place and the affair will have to bust up and her get over the OM before she will begin to look at you again. Outside of a miracle, I really, really do not see that happening. However, unless she was to get married quickly after the divorce, then it would not mean that it is the end. As long as she has not remarried, there can still be a chance. Unfortunately, you just don’t have enough time before the divorce………if it is set in motion. But if you will do as you are advised, then you could still stand a good chance after the divorce of reconciling with her. And, who knows?.......If you were to do what we suggest and she got her eyes open to what she was losing......then maybe she would want to go back, but it would be rare under the short amount of time. The only way I have heard of that happening is when the LBS totally drops the rope and it shocks the WAS into seeing what they are really doing. Do you have the guts to do that?

“Reconciliation is improbable when the couple is separated. Sometimes separation helps calm a bad situation. Sometimes it can't be avoided due to a disrespectful spouse. However, you still need to come back together in order for reconciliation to really begin. The sooner the better.”

Well, that is the opinion of the author of that book you read. I think in some cases it is very true, but not in every case. I am concerned that you will panic over the idea of “the sooner the better”. If you panic, then you will not appear relaxed and confident. She needs a man who is strong and will stand up to her. Have you ever done that? I mean really put your foot down and not let her have her way? I don’t know, I am just asking. Somewhere along the way, she became a bully and has not let up and never will until you decide that it is time that she stops treating you that way. Only YOU can stop it.

I know this is not what you expected or wanted to hear, but you have got to forget about reconciling for now and move forward with your life b/c she is not going to stop this affair, more than likely, until the luster fades and they bust up. Only after you drop the rope that you are holding on to her with, are you going to start looking more attractive to her. But right now, you are holding on to that rope for dear life and she is pulling away from you with all her might.

“My wife has just tried call me on a landline and mobile because I did not respond to some angry emails she has sent to me this afternoon, and the fact I did not agree to having the children when I was going out and she wanted me to have them overnight so she could stay out all night. She then followed up the angry emails with one asking me if the little ramp her father made was easier for me to get the lawnmower in!!!! The hell is going on?”

As I said, control and being a bully……that is what is going on. How much more do you want to put up with? Because she will continue as long as you allow it.

“I went to church this morning for the first time since my children were baptized there 7 years ago. I felt anxious before I went because it was the church where my wife and I married 15 years ago. I was quite upset and I had a few tears in my eyes as my mind wandered back as though it was yesterday. Walking down the aisle, exchanging vows, all our family and friends that were there. It was torture to be honest.”

There are more than one church you can attend. I would suggest not going to one that brings back memories that torture you. Go some place new and meet new people. It would be good for you and maybe open a new door in GAL. BTW, don’t worry about shedding tears at church. If I don’t shed a tear or two, I don’t think the preacher did his job…..lol.

“Originally, I was to give the children dinner and then take them back, but I decided to go one better and offer to have them for the night which I did. We did some nice things and I took them back the following morning, my wife had obviously been out the night before as her car was parked somewhere else on Saturday (I must stop wondering what she is doing).”

I won’t repeat what I have already told you, but do you see in this quote what I am talking about? What did it accomplish with your wife? Nothing! Sure you enjoyed your kids, but she got her way……again.

“It appears my wife is now preparing herself for her single life by removing all memories of our past - no photographs, no wedding presents, memories, NOTHING. Is this normal for a WAW and is she now drawing a line regarding our life together? Please respond.”

Respond? Mark, what did you think she was going to do? Man, you are in denial! Of course she is preparing for her new life. That is what I am trying to tell you! So move forward. Focus on Mark and become a new man. Be the man you want to be and need to be. Improve yourself. Get to that gym and work your frustrations out while getting in great shape and earning a great body.

“does taking the rubbish to the tip be seen as doormat and 'cake-eating', or a sign of friendship in helping re-build our relationship?”

Nope! It is seen as being a wimp.

“I am going to tell her I will do anything to help her if it pertains to the children.”

Don’t do it, Mark. She will abuse that offer. She needs to know what it will be like to be a single parent! You will be crazy if you do that.

“She definitely feels I am doing 'more of the same' - not caring enough about the children, and being selfish.”

Oh bull, that is just her motto! As long as she makes you feel guilty, she will throw it on you! Get over it.

“She said as I am currently out of work I would want to take the children to school and she should not have to suggest these things. I validated this and will address this with my children later today. She wants me to have the children to stay on Wednesday night, I know why but if it gives me quality time with my children then that will be good.”

YOU VALIDATE THAT? WHY? STOP DOING THAT!! STOP TAKING THE KIDS SO SHE CAN SLEEP WITH THE OM!

“My wife came on the phone and said "I thought you were going out?" I said I was but I changed my plans, my wife then says "where were you going?".”

None of her business! She is trying to control. Are you seeing this? You owe her no explanations. May have to remind her that the two of you are living separate lives now.

“I hate the mornings, they are the worst time for me as I think about my wife, the children and my life.”

Mornings are hard for a lot of people. Talk to your doctor and see if there is a vitamin or some natural supplement you can take that would help you. Do you sleep okay at night? If not, then that may have an effect. Have you always been this way?
You may need to change your morning routine around. Go walking as soon as you get up and have coffee or breakfast. That does wonders for some people. Read an inspirational book or self improvement book or watch a funny movie. Just change things up and see if it helps. You are probably very depressed right now and that is not helping you face the day, especially with no job, so stay as busy as you can to keep your mind busy.

“She does not see any progress in me, I am DR'ing, attempting to GAL, etc but it does not make any difference to her. She has not wavered one bit since December 08,”

We are talking 4-5 months. She is in her own fog, Mark. She can’t see anything except what she wants. It takes time for the things I mentioned before to take place. You cannot expect it to happen in a few weeks. She would not trust in “progress” in you right now, anyway. You have to prove that your self improvements are not a gimmick to win her back. They are for Mark and nobody else…….right? RIGHT?

“Cut to today where I have had 5 texts (the first one was 0656 am)regarding different things and one of them was in regard to a message I forgot to give to her weeks ago. I apologized and said next time I will make a note, though instead of just saying 'ok' she said " don't worry, there probably won't be a next time".”

Don’t apologize b/c it makes you appear to be weak in her eyes. You could have said, “I’ll have to start making notes”. But whatever that was about………5 texts? See what I am talking about here? She is too bossy and too controlling and you are just laying down like a mat and letting her walk all over you. She doesn’t respect you one bit. The route you have taken is not working, Mark. You need to change, man-up and start using tough love. Let her get mad, throw fits, yell, scream, threat, and so on. It won't kill you! The thing is not to listen to her do it. Hang up, walk away, or whatever, but don't stand there and take it!

Okay, I guess I have done enough damage for one time. It's a beginning.....

Take care of yourself,
Sandi