Of course I have a FB account, silly rabbit. But of course you knew that since I am on your list of peeps. A fan of DBing? What am I missing? A group? I really try to keep it all separate, as there are real life friends on there that I don't want to see all of this stuff or make a link to it.
Oh Jack, I know I am not a newb. I was just making reference to the fact that I act like one so much of the time. Most of that is grounded in fear. Also, I am so conflicted. Do i press on? Do I give up? Am I settling? I could go on with 80 million questions and make you all nuts but I won't.
Did you know that sometimes it is really hard to figure out who is who on FB because on DB we are not allowed to use our real names or give out contact information as it is against the rules.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
You aren't piecing a marriage back together. You are divorced. You are not dating exclusively. It is not even clear that you are dating. Going in for the big R talk when only one of you is in that R is not advisable. It is pursuit, intrusive, presumptive, and suffocating in a big way.
That being said, I'm all for being direct and honest:
"Sorry XH, I've been fooling myself. This "just friends" or "casual dating" or whatever we are doing doesn't work for me. Instead, I need either more or less of an R. Given I will no longer be more into our R than you, it will have to be less of an R. For now, let's keep things strictly business. I sincerely wish you all the best. Time for me to find all the best for myself too. So, enough said. Ciao."
Of course, a third alternative is to simply match his level of commitment/effort/involvement with respect to your R and accept the way things are. But, you've said that you don't want to do that. And frankly, I don't think it would go much of anywhere.
Like you said, you are simply repeating the same cycle. Why? Because you choose to keep playing the same role. You are wrong that he is the only one who can break the cycle.
Your life, your choices. Step away from the cycle, and quit blaming YOUR choice to spin on him.
Sure, two people who are divorced could be piecing, unless someone is being a real nitpicker. But, piecing takes two people invested in working on a long-term committed R. That is not happening.
A lot of people on these boards push things and jump into the piecing forum and attitude when they are the only person really in that kind of R. (Which, of course, means that they aren't really in that kind of R.) This hasty move both undermines their chances of reconciliation and tends to keep them stuck in old ways of thinking/doing.
Just because they can have fun together does not mean that they are at the point where trying to pull together a long-term exclusive, committed, romantic R is on the table. I don't think it will serve Pam well to act like that's what it means. That just keeps her firmly in her standard place in this cycle of hers. And, it very much crowds out the space XH needs to genuinely figure out what he wants.
