And now for the update. Went to IC yesterday and we talked about how long I want this limbo stage to draw out and my counselor said he thinks that I'm going to have to make a decision on my timeline and share it with W. He thinks that she is not going to make a decision and will stay in this limbo stage as long as possible. I have to say that I kinda agree with that and knowing my W as I do I can totally see that happening. But that leaves me with a difficult decision...a timeline. Honestly I'm thinking that by June 1st we should either be starting the process of working on us albeit slowly or that we should be starting to see the mediator to figure out the separation of everything. I will need to think on this one for awhile and any advice will be greatly appreciated on this. Last night was cool. W and I took D3 to the Portland Trailblazers playoff game. We had great seats about 9 rows from the floor. D3 was a little overwhelmed at the beginning of the game by all the people and the noise but by the end she was having a good time. W and I got along great and just spent the night as friends enjoying each others company. She even went out and bought new clothes for the game and asked me on several occasions if I liked them and if she looked good in them...to which I responded Yes, you look awesome. Today it's back to limbo stage and I am super tired from not getting much sleep last night. Tonight will be an early night to recharge the old batteries.
While I'm a big fan of INTERNAL deadlines (setting in your own mind a point after which you're done), I don't believe in communicating them to a wayward spouse. The reason is, if you say "You have until the 4th of July to let me know that you want to work on this marriage," then she will cake-eat until July 3rd, and then promise you the moon and the stars on 7/3 in order to stave off the executioner.
Think "terrorists and withdrawal deadlines" -- same concept.
I've always heard that the best thing to tell someone like your wife is "Please hurry, because my patience won't last forever," and to set YOURSELF a deadline, but to NOT let her know what it is.
I see what you are saying Puppy and will take that into consideration while I'm thinking this through. I can see both sides of the coin here. I understand what my IC is saying because unless the issue gets forced with W she will happily just ride this out as long as possible and never try to either work on things with us or move forward on her own. But I can see your point that she could just ride it out to the d-day and then promise to change to get an extension but never really do it. She does know and has acknowledged that this can't go on forever for me. But she still makes no move to go one way or the other. A lot to think about and process....
If you do not like the limbo then it I am with Puppy, tell her that you can take this much more and make a date in your mind. I do not think that you should give her a date like your IC says, But this is a great way to drop the rope, is it time for you in your mind to do this? soon? Let us see if she picks it up.
I see what you guys are saying and will keep that in mind. I have already told her I can't take this much longer but I haven't set a date with her. I have a general timeframe in mind for myself so I will see how it goes. Thanks for the responses and advice. Really gives me a different perspective on things.
dc, I am glad that I found your thread here. I have been struggling with the same question internally. How long do I give it until she decides if she wants to work on things? Burt has been a huge help for me with advice.
Like he says, I am really just trying to "drop the rope" right now. This isn't very easy to do. I thought of setting a date for myself as well, but I decided that I am not going to do that just yet. I found myself obsessing over how long is long enough. As of this point in time, I am just going with my gut and that I will just know when it is that time. I have made it clear that I can't be limbo forever and she has acknowledged.
Good luck!
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
DC, I've personally witnessed this "11th hour" gamesmanship with my WAW. At first, she promised to come back after a month of having my daughter with her in Germany. At the end: nope, sorry. I want more time, or we can go ahead and divorce.
I gave her the time because I was afraid of losing her. Another 30 days of almost no contact. At the end, nope. sorry, I need more time or we can divorce.
I gave in again out of fear of losing her.
I learned my lesson. The next time I gave her a deadline, I let her know that it would be me filing if it passed without an answer from her. This week, shes been bustling to get her stuff in order to come back. No fear and no more cake-eating!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
MI, I know how you feel on that. Dropping the rope is definitely hard to do or think about and an internal timeline is really a gut kind of decision. Like you I have told the W that I cannot remain in limbo forever and she has acknowledged that.
PD, I hear what you are saying and honestly if I give her the timeline or not when that time is reached if she is not willing to start working on us then I will take the next step and she is aware of that. I have been in fear of losing her for pretty much our entire marriage but now I'm really not. Working on myself and my self-esteem has given me a new outlook and made me realize that I shouldn't fear that. I will be fine and can be happy if things don't work out. I really hope they do as I still love her but sometimes things just aren't meant to be.
