This morning was looking as though it was going to be another one of those silent affairs where we just ignore each other so I eventually said to W that we need to talk at the weekend about how we live separately in the house as we are both going to need our own space. I also added that by the looks of her activities she was going to need more space than me. (I couldn't resist that) . W response was that she wanted to know who I had been speaking to, (to uncover this A). I just told her all of that is irrelevant, we just need to focus on how we move forward separately. I'm not sure what agenda to have for the weekend cos I know W will be very guarded cos she will still want to know how much I know before she talks.
I hate doing the wedding ring hokey, kokey, but I also gave W my wedding ring and told her to melt it down and make something useful as I wouldn't be needing it. My wedding ring size is Z +1 so there is a lot of gold there.
I am still feeling stressed so I've decide to stop the training for now and drop out of my 10k run, my BP last night was 165/102 so theres no point in risking myself while I feel so stressed. Also I can defer my place until next year if I return my runners pack in the next few days. When things calm down I'll get back to some gentle jogging.
So today I just need to get my head down and get through another working day.
i am very sorry again to see what is going on. It is interesting to me that she is more concerned about how you found out than the affair itself....or so it seems. When you say "she talks" , what exactly are you expecting her to say. Do you want her to admit the affair. Do you not have enough "proof". I would imagine you do becasue your reaction has been different than in the past. So what can she possibly say to change things in your mind. I guess it always come back to the same common denominator....are you in or out. the wedding ring thing is your way of showing your W that you are done. Perhaps you should have melted it or sold it yourself. Take care of yourself Lan. Take care of your daughter as well. Tough times ahead my friend....but it is the path to a better place.
Lan - I'm hardly on these days, but just caught up on 3 pages of your thread. Good on you for outing and I'm not debating the wrongs and rights of it, but when you've been as good, understanding and patient as you have, I feel it's best to 'know' what your up against. I also think this is no longer helping you and your health and may be in your long term interest to call it quits. (buts that's me, it's yours and only ever your choice).
My W was also more concerned with the how I found out and how I was wrong to be snooping rather than the fact she was having A's. That is again a defence mechanism, their turning it round on you in that you dont have the right etc. Presumably, like me, you know her so well and things are a give away. I think it's very hard to hide something like an A for to long from a partner as you just know by chnages in them.
I'll try and keep up whilst your going through this and offer whatever advice I can. good luck to you buddy and it's really time to look after you now. I know you will always look after D7 first and foremost but please look after you.
Also, skint and happy is a better place, please believe me. I am in that place and yes I miss the daily interactions with my boys beyond belief, but I'm doing the best I can for me and make my time with them as special as I can be. I know the first chapter says about how kids cope/don't cope etc, but that is not for your conscionce, that is for your W to deal with in time and believe me she will. I do not believe my W for one moment wants us to get together (we wont btw, that is never happening in my mind), but she is certainly showing weird signs of late. Not of regret necessarily but I think of the grass is not greener.
Lan - You need to be the one with the agenda and plan when you talk this weekend. You need to show her some strength and leadership. Let her know that you have had it with her adulterous nature and you have your dignity to uphold. One thing that has worked for me in discussions is to ask the other person what they would do if they were in my shoes.
What is most important now is to get a handle on your high BP being aggravated by stress. It might be worth it to check with a doctor if there is something you can take (besides whiskey) to help calm the nerves.
Lan, Please act coldly and in a calculated way to protect youself. No more DBing. Before you confront W further get professional advice - legal,finacial, spiritual to protect youself. Get your head out of the sand and ACT now. I'm begining to think this DBing stuff does us LBS's a huge disservice by goving these bad spouses a lot of rope - the only rope they deserve is one to hang themselves. You Must act smartly now Lan, talk to W later if needed but cover your ads first. And get that BP attended to. I'm sending this from my phone so pardon the bad typing.
Hi there Lan - I have nothing to offer that hasn't been said above but wanted to drop by and give you a good ole "slap on the back" ...
Sorry to hear bout your withdrawal from the 10k - but that sounds like the right decision for you in view of your current circumstances -no point risking yourself unnecessarily...
Lan, Sorry you are in this place, but you have clearly fought the good fight. Only you can decide when you are "done" - but if that's where you are at, remember we are still here to support and encourage you. You deserve a lot better than this, and someday you will get it. Hang in there.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
My head tells me that we are done, my heart whilst not pining for W still holds out tiny hope which is why I did something like the puny gesture of giving W back the wedding ring instead of launching it into the distance. W's surley attitude this evening tells me that we are done. In terms of talking this weekend I'm not looking for W admit to anything I'm just looking to talk about separating.
The only assest we have is the house and I know W will not want to move out or sell, the market is bad so the if the house get on the market it would take a while to sell. But that's where I want to focus. If I wanted to force the issue I would have to move out but leave W with the house and the bills which I know she can't afford so that would force things to move on.
Anyway I'm still thinking about that.
John, Arthur, Kerry,
I think you guys have shown it's possible to get to a better place, I know I can get there but it's all about taking that first leap.
I'm still thinking about my next move but at the moment my head is winning over my heart.
