Hi Crazy Jim (and everyone), well I guess you are not a genius, but in a crazy way your advice has helped me lol. So Thankyou very much. If you weren't wearing that strange jacket with no arms I would shake your hand - and if you weren't wearing that mask I'd kiss ya.
When I couldn't follow your advice I started acting a little crazy myself. I thought "My God, you wuss you have to do something about this" so I went out bought myself a gun...no, no just kidding. Well you can guess I wrote my H a letter and told him I wanted to be honest from now on, and to look at the site. Then I went out and left it for him to find. OMG it was the WORST afternoon of my LIFE. I was so worried, I was walking about, I didn't know what to do with myself. He didn't get back from work till late so I was waiting for hours. I thought he's going to be really upset and angry about all this, what am I doing???
So I had asked him to call me (on my mobile phone) when he finished reading it all but when he did I just couldn't answer it. I couldn't even speak, I had to send him a text message. We exchanged a few messages, rather cryptic on his part since he hates texting. I was still worried he was cross with me so I sent one asking "are you cross?" which he did not answer. Arrgh. I started going home anyway since I figured he had a right to be annoyed. Then suddenly he sent me another text saying "not cross was having a shower".
So there you are he took it all in his stride. I was the one who got upset. But he was really very nice about the whole thing. We didn't really talk we just hugged. Then we ordered a pizza and watched TV. You know I said I wanted things to change, I wanted to talk more; but really I was just so glad I could do that and tell him all that stuff and afterwards everything could be nice and normal and we could have a laugh and be friends same as ever. I expect there's some kind of a lesson there, isn't there?
Well I suppose I don't want things to be totally the same as they were before. I need to keep up some kind of momentum. There are some improvements I need to make in my own behaviour. I still find it just as hard to be open. Somehow it is easier for me to write openly, so perhaps I will carry on with the letters. Also I need to get myself together a bit more. I have a tendancy to let things I know I should do slide. It's all so much effort and it's easier not to bother. I mean I'm happy enough with my disorganized mess etc. It annoys me sometimes but I think about something nice and the annoyance just goes away.
Maybe these are things I should do for myself, not to please my H, but to be honest he's the only thing that does make it worth the effort. But it's still difficult not to slip back into my old ways. Any advice on being wonderfully efficient? Ok that's never going to happen (lets be honest here, and the 28 day detox diet lasted 1.5 days if you don't count the chocolate biscuit I ate on the first morning) but maybe I can force myself to do the dishes every day if I really try.
But things are looking up, so now I shall be able to say my marriage was helped by lesbians and a crazy swinger.
