goingtofix....your story is really sad, especially of course the latest stuff, where you are betrayed by your ex-bf AND your husband both.
But please brace yourself for what I'm about to say....
This does not excuse anything he has done, but my personal feeling is that a young man of 23 has no business trying to be married to an older woman with teenaged kids.
It takes lots of time, and seeing children through their baby and toddler years, then childhood, before you REALLY know how to parent teens. For him to marry you and try to become a father figure to your teen kids right out of the gate, is just too much to ask of such a young man. I know that some are capable of this....but most are not. I am not surprised he has bolted.
Not that it is right, and obviously the betrayal with your best friend is not right....but both bolting and taking up with your bf just show his immaturity at this age and stage in life. Its my opinion from reading literally thousands of stories of people's relationships, that men don't truly settle down and mature enough for marriage until after age 30. I hope no one gets down on me for that, because I do know there are exceptions and some very young men can settle down....but for the most part, the ones who try at ages like 23 are just setting themselves up for disaster.
I hate saying this to you because it sounds like I am saying your marriage was a mistake....but really, all I am saying is that he fulfilled the immaturity that could be expected of him at this age.
At this point, I know you are steeped in pain....but I don't see any reason for you to pursue him or the marriage any longer. He and your ex-bf both know and understand the betrayal they have heaped upon you...they are going to disappear with their tails between their legs because they know it is wrong. However, do you want him to wake up from guilt alone and come back to you? And even if he does, he is still only 23 years old...how will anything have changed?
It takes so much life experience in order to grow up and be mature. He hasn't had that experience yet. That is why he can make such bold mistakes and horrible moves, he isn't old enough to fully understand the consequences, regardless of the guilt he feels.
One day when he has truly matured, he will have so much regret for how he has handled this. He will one day know what it means to be a man and how you don't take up with your wife's bf, no matter WHAT! But that day will be so far in the future that it will not matter to your current marriage.
I'm so sad for you, but I don't see much reason for you to hope....
The only hope I do see is if he and ex-gf break up, he realizes what he has done and comes begging back to you...but he will likely only do this if you have gone totally dark first and he thinks you have moved on....and EVEN IF he does come begging back, my personal opinion is that he is an emotional teenager himself and should not be raising teenaged children with you. Again, that's just my opinion, not advice.
I'm so sorry hon....I hate saying things like this. I wish I could wave a wand for you all....
You mentioned you had recently read the original Mars/Venus book and it helped you understand many things. Have you also read Mars and Venus on a Date? That book will really help you understand some more of the dynamics that possibly contributed to his feelings when he left...how a man must feel that he is the MAN and not just one of your children, etc. I know that you both tried not to feed into that dynamic, but unfortuantely, you both did feed into it and that is a recipe for disaster to a marriage. The book may help you understand many other things as well...but don't hope for the book to bring him back....it will not. It will just help you in trying to cope by understand all the things that happened.
