I Never Imagined Being Here

[pearlharbr]

I think contacting your W was ok, just be careful not to send any pursuing message. That's why I would have preferred you to send a message about something specific and not just a general checking in.

Clearing out her things will help with many things. It gives you a project to do, gets her out of your space and allows you the opportunity to make your house more yours.

I understand that your MIL is suffering in this sitch also, but that is not your problem. Yes, continue the relationship with her if that is what you want but make sure to put your wants and needs first right now. After all she is your W's family first and foremost. When the dust settles she may end up squarely behind your W.

Know that your W is going to be angry about many things you do or don't do. That doesn't mean you're not doing the right thing. WAS often react negatively but they'll get over it. You cannot let the fear of scaring her away guide your decisions and actions.

Which of those reasons do you think are valid? And what do you think you contributed to the downward slide of the M? She may have a lot of her own issues but she is not the sole cause of the issues between you. You need to own your part of the problems and do what you can to remedy them.

What I hear in that list is that she feels like you didn't value her. You didn't make an effort to try her hobbies or make time for her. Sounds like she also is afraid of open honest communication for some reason.

What can you do to address these issues?

I have these elements in my situation too. xBF was afraid to tell me that he was unhappy so he let it build up until he just wanted out and had EA/PA to do that. And it is true that I didn't make an effort to try his hobbies because I was happy with us each having our own thing. He now realizes that his lack of communication had a lot to do with us getting to that point and says he wants to work on that. But he came to that realization on his own, not by me telling him that was his problem to deal with. I was, and continue to be, focused on my resolving my own issues.

Maybe this will help. Somewhere on here I read a statement that I used as my daily mantra. I wanted to be able to reach a point where I could say it to xBF and mean it.

I don't need you to be happy; I'm happy with who I am. But I do love you very much and I'd be thrilled if you'd go on my journey with me. If not, I understand, and I'll be very sad but I'll be fine.