So here goes. I will try to keep it short since brevity is the soul of wit.
I met my H 10 years ago when I was 17 and he was 27. Despite the age gap we had a great deal in common. This does not happen to me very often and it still amazes me that I should have met someone so compatable in a local factory.
In most ways I am very happy with our r. He is a lovely man very kind and sweet and also works very hard which I admire. In some ways we both had a difficult time growing up and I suppose we still have the hang ups that go with it. On the other hand in many ways this has taught us a lot. I know what a bad marriage is like, and I know how lucky I am to have such a nice husband. I am also very good at dealing with stressful times. Sometimes too good. Most problems do not bother me, I tend to let things go. I like to escape into the more interesting fantasy world of my imagination. This has got me through some tough times in a sane and positive frame of mind. At the same time it does sometimes stop me from ever looking for solutions.
At first we used to make love quite a lot but we were both pretty bad at it. Things did not come as naturally as romantic fiction might suggest. It tended to be awkward and uncomfortable, often frustrating. Also I have suffered from a number of gynacological problems that did not help matters. Neither of us had much clue what to do and we never really thought we could improve things. My H can be quite old fashioned (and also shy) I think he would think of a sex manual as a kind of pornography. So I guess we thought it was this or nothing and he chose nothing (well about 3 times a year).
We did not feel comfortable talking about it. He might say he was too tired. And I think he felt it was his fault and is quite defensive about it. But he just clams up if I try to raise the subject and I don't think I could ever push him into talking about it. Certainly not back then. I just let it go.
So this went on for years and despite it like I say we were pretty happy. We married 2 years ago and I barely expected to have sex on my honeymoon, but in fact we did. It was still not very good but I loved it. I would say I could do it every day if it were on offer. Still it soon dwindled back to once a quarter along with the phone bill.
It was really by accident I came to realise things could change. I was reading the lesbian help and advice site and it did help and advise. I think recently I have become more comfortable with myself and my sexuality. I mean I am straight but I am more comfortable with what I do want. And I finally worked out how to stop the sex from hurting.
I really hate conflict and as I say I value my marriage more than anything and often I am scared to say anything that might rock the boat. But I am beginning to feel that I could confront my H with this without risking our marriage. In fact that this would be a good thing to do that could improve the M. But it is very hard for me to be this open about my feelings and talk openly about sex. And as I say he does not want to hear this, and he can be very stubborn and incommunicative. I really hate to upset him. However I have come to believe that this is the right thing to do. I just cant make myself do it. How do I get my courage up? And what is the best thing to say? I am aware that no matter what I say he may not react positively and I'm willing to give it a go. But I don't want to hurt him any more than I have to.
Well that was a little longer than I meant and also not very witty, but I hope for some good advice. Crazy Jim I would like to know what you think since you are, in my estimation, crazy like a fox. So you may also be as cunning as a fox.
It's great that you have found a way to become comfortable with your sexuality. This is a good first step. I am HD person in my marriage and am having to deal with issues around my spouse not being comfortable about her sexuality. We've been at once a month or less for 9 plus years at this point.
As for how to get your spouse more comfortable with his sexuality, I would suggest starting with the basic least book on sexuality you can find and both go through it. You can start at your public library. "www.sexuality.org" is a good website for basic (and more advanced information).
Good luck!
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
Quote: Crazy Jim I would like to know what you think since you are, in my estimation, crazy like a fox. So you may also be as cunning as a fox.
Thats alot to think about, and since you asked specificaly what I think, I don't want to just respond with my usual sarcasm. I need to take some time to re-read your post and get some thoughts together. The only thing I can say that comes to mind is be brave... start the conversation, be honest... tell him whats on your mind, but be nice! Trust me on this... I screwed that last part up big time.
I was thinkin about this on my way home, and I'm not sure I am qualifed to give anyone advise, but I did have a thought. I don't know if this will work or do anything at all, that part is up to you two, but you could give it a shot. You got nothin to lose by trying.
You told the short version of your story, those are the bricks, but the mortar is what holds you, it together. I don't know the mortar, all the little things about you and him that make up your marriage, so what I need you to do is tell me all the things that you love about the guy, why you do, what & how he makes you feel, but also tell me what you need and want from him so you will always feel that way and more, pour your heart out to me, write it all down, don't leave anything out because you might be embarrassed, or feel funny saying them, just find the right words to say it. Once you do that, read it, make sure you didn't leave anything out, make sure you chose the right words to express yourself with what I said earlier, bravery, honesty and kindness, read it again, when you are sure that it says exactly what you want it to say so that it makes me know the mortor, the little things about you both that make me understand why you love him, and he loves you, and what will make it even better, when you are satisfied that it does all that, don't post it, print it out, and make a time to read it to him, cause I don't need to know it, he does, what I think don't mean SH!T, what he thinks does.
Crazy Jim, this is way too cool, you being asked for sex advice. Sorry I couldn't resist. Your friend, Patsi
PS. Don't let the word out here on the BB, that you have hung out your shingle so to speak, you will be way too busy to notice anything about your current relationship.
Hi Crazy Jim Thanks a lot for answering. I'm glad you don't want to read it or you might go really crazy!! I am definately going to think about doing this but I am worried he might find it too "soppy" or contrived. He can be sadly unromantic in that way. And it would be a hell of a job for me to read it out to him. Do I have to read it out or can I let him read it. And could I even do that??? Arggh. Well it gives me something to think about. Thanks again.
Hi Scott Please tell me what a kobiyashi maru situation is. I like Star Trek (except for the dire Enterprise - Scott Bakula how could you?) but I don't know what it is. My H also likes Star Trek, maybe I could explain things to him in terms of this, ie its life Jim but not as we know it?
The "Kobayashi Maru scenario" is something of a final examination for command-track cadets at Star Fleet Academy. To be very brief, you are in command and your ship receives a distress call from a disabled ship in the Neutral Zone. You can either ignore it -- in which case you've failed to render aid (per regulation) -- or you can respond, in which case your ship WILL be destroyed. Naturally, you're not told this ahead of time. It's featured in the movie "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan."
The Academy staff designed it specifically to be a no-win situation; "there's no right answer, it's a test of character." In the movie you find out that Kirk was the "...only one to ever beat the no-win scenario." How? "I reprogrammed the simulation to make it possible to rescue the ship." "You cheated!" "I don't like to lose."
The "lessons" here are 1) sometimes we find ourselves in no-win situations; 2) when we do, we're not necessarily supposed to "solve" them, but learn from them -- "it's a test of character"; and 3) if we are going to "solve" them, the only way may be to change the conditions AROUND the problem. The last point, I think, is a major focus of Michele's books.
So rent the movie and enjoy -- and watch out for the "gravitic mines" in your relationship.
Also, if your husband is a Trekkie also and having problems understanding you, you may want to remind him of this line from the episode "Elaan of Troyus" -- "Mr. Spock, on your planet, the women are logical. It's the only place in the galaxy that can make that claim."
Peace and long life. End transmission.
HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin...sometimes he feels that there really is another way [of coming downstairs], if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.
Ha I see it all now! Well if this all does turn out to be a simulation I hope I don't wake up to find I am Dwayne Dibbley.
I have started writing this message Jim suggested above. It's odd but somehow writing about the relationship has seemed to bring into focus how much it does mean to me. I knew all these things after all so it is a little surprising. But maybe I had started to take a lot for granted.
I am also trying to do some of the things I know my H would like me to, and trying to be perhaps a little more thoughtful towards him. It does seem to be having a effect. I feel like we are getting on very well together at the moment.
I still find the thought of having this talk kinda terrifying. But I am pretty sure it is the right thing to do. I have to finish writing it anyway. I think I might do it next weekend. So any more advice would be welcome.
Quote: Crazy Jim, this is way too cool, you being asked for sex advice. Sorry I couldn't resist. Your friend, Patsi
PS. Don't let the word out here on the BB, that you have hung out your shingle so to speak, you will be way too busy to notice anything about your current relationship.
Normaly my advise would be "if it feels good do it, be good, if you can't be good, be careful, don't get caught, if you do get caught... take the 5th."
People have to desperate to ask me for advise, that's like the inmates running the asylum, but that was the best thing I could think of. Hope I did ok.
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