That's not right. These are important years with a child. She needs her dad more than the time you are given. Can you petition the court again? There has got to be something you can do. Emergency hearing......emergency being you don't get to be with your OWN CHILD. It's like a kidnapping.
That's not right. These are important years with a child. She needs her dad more than the time you are given. Can you petition the court again? There has got to be something you can do. Emergency hearing......emergency being you don't get to be with your OWN CHILD. It's like a kidnapping.
Figure if I can get the Psychological Evaluation ordered, she gets diagnosed BPD, and I can push for a child custody evaluator who understands Personality Disorders and how they affect child development - combining this with documentation/research/etc. I have prepared for the eventual (expected) diagnosis.
Her behavior is textbook. Her journal is a smoking gun. I'm just dissecting her at this point and they don't understand how methodical I've been about it. The "Splitting" book is virtually W's playbook - but she doesn't even know it.
If I act in a fashion that is unexpected W/MIL panic and work to re-establish "control" of the situation by any means necessary. Notice - the first reaction when confronted with exposure of her adultery was to seek "control" via authority (i.e. lawyer/judge/police) to "force" me to behave in the expected fashion.
The mindset of course is that it is okay for W to flaunt her A in my face by parking next door when I have D1 - but it is not okay for me to call her on it nor expose the truth to others because that is "attacking" or "hurting" W and we can't have that because she is MIL's poor wittle dumpling.
The conversations are toxic, and the entitlement they display is sickening.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
D1 was having a good time this morning. She was sitting in the room playing with toys and when she saw me she leaned forward reaching out for me and wanted me to hold her. She kept her head on my shoulder and kept mouthing "da da da da."
I donated some leftover baby food (D1 has gone to real food) to the daycare as well. Two of the workers there were recipients of my mass email, although they haven't mentioned it - I know at least one of them has read it.
Things I noticed: 1. One of the workers was the same one who tried to prevent me from seeing D1 early in the S. She was always very hostile towards me, although I started killing her with kindness immediately after that incident, holding the door for her, making small talk, etc. This morning she was bragging openly to the other workers about all the baby food I had brought and how nice that was of me. 2. The worker that watches D1 normally has read the email, but she didn't mention it. She has been making small talk in the mornings for the past two weeks with me, and she has been keeping me updated on D1 for the days I don't text W. This morning she engaged me in conversation on how long I've been going to the church, her background, what she liked about the church, and we got into a semi-religious discussion and I mentioned a few key points about W's background she understood as well. I then talked of my faith and belief that all things work out as they should, and sort of referencing my own situation said "there is another side to this, and things will turn out for the best." When I went to leave she said "I hope you have a great day."
I'm sure W has been telling them all sorts of stories about how horrible I am since the S - and now they are probably starting to question some of what they've been hearing - because what they've been seeing for the past 4 months is a father who comes in every single morning to spend time with his daughter, who is kind, courteous, respectful, and consistent.
And even before the mass email they had gotten to the point where they saw how excited D1 was to see me in the mornings. They would all comment on how "daddy is here to see you!" and would laugh at how she'd start grinning and reaching out for me.
On the legal front, I'm sure I've neutralized some of W's negative advocates, and they won't be so gung-ho to support her without question now. Haven't heard anything else on their desire for a "restraining order" to prevent me from telling the truth. A. They can't restrain me from contacting others, B. This isn't the first impression they'd want to make in front of the judge: "Your honor I'm having an affair and you need to make my husband stop telling everyone."
On the marriage front, I'm sure W's cunning plan last week didn't go like she expected. I'm sure they spent the entire week putting that story together. "Oh just say you are here to get your car fixed." Now that they've had the reaction from me, it isn't quite as rosy as they figured it could be. Now W has to be taking every glance, every strange look, and every hesitation in someone's voice through paranoia - because she doesn't know everyone I sent it to. But she does know a few that contacted her about it, so she knows I wasn't kidding.
I don't even have to say anything now. Made my point, and now they can decide whether to continue condoning and enabling W's A. This wasn't just denial - this was open support and is disgusting to see this behavior from people I spent so much time giving to.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
If you cant be honest about the things you do, if they cause you shame, maybe you shouldnt do them!!!
For gods sake! Is she really threatening you with a RO? She cant even come up with a realistic threat? Slander, libel, you know, something that would at least make a tiny bit of sense?
Last edited by bluerain; 04/29/0904:24 PM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
If you cant be honest about the things you do, if they cause you shame, maybe you shouldnt do them!!!
For gods sake! Is she really threatening you with a RO? She cant even come up with a realistic threat? Slander, libel, you know, something that would at least make a tiny bit of sense?
Neither my W nor in-laws know anything about the law. They have a friend who is a lawyer, but they make up half-truths and distortions and run to get advice, and then when they try running that to court they wonder why they don't get anything.
My W is also being advised by OM (alcoholic who lives with his parents), another neighbor (illegal immigrant who has no job/responsibilities), and one of her long-term friends (another person who used to self-injure) so I'm sure her panel of "experts" isn't giving her the best advice.
Since I believe my W suffers from BPD it is fairly certain that as long as I'm "split-bad" there can be no effective communication.
What I say: "W I love you and want to work on the marriage." What W hears: "W it is all your fault and you can never have fun you need to do the dishes and quit complaining."
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Neither my W nor in-laws know anything about the law. They have a friend who is a lawyer, but they make up half-truths and distortions and run to get advice, and then when they try running that to court they wonder why they don't get anything.
I will never, EVER understand why in the world someone would like to:
- their doctor
- their lawyer
- their counselor
What's the upside? Your image???? Yet the downside is HUGE.
And yet waywards almost always lie to all three of them.
What's the upside? Your image???? Yet the downside is HUGE.
If anything has been made abundantly clear - image is all my in-laws have. They have spent years building an image that was primarily upheld by ruinous debt and other issues I didn't find out about until after FIL passed.
Apparently MIL didn't move out of her own mother's house until she was in her mid-30's. When FIL passed away - virtually nobody outside of me, my mother, my step-dad, and FIL's brother/mother came to visit after the funeral. In fact... during most of my relationship (nearly 5 years) almost none of their relatives really visited them... they always had to go visit their relatives.
They are overprotective of their secrets, and I think some of the skeletons in the closet are starting to unravel. Unfortunately for them I'm like a bloodhound when it comes to legal things and finding cracks/weaknesses. Appearances can be deceiving, and I've apparently hit the tip of the iceberg on a very dysfunctional family.
Red flags, such as when I gave, gave, gave without expecting anything in return - they acted like that was a concept foreign to them. They were mistrusting and questioned my intentions when I asked for help in reconciling the M. Then they attack me viciously in the D in a mode of blame assignment - because it had to be all MY fault.
Of course I had enough of a presence of mind to go from nothing to holding all the cards before the first hearing. Then they shifted to nice mode, and all of a sudden began normalizing W's A. Her mother vehemently pushed the "They are just friends!" any time I implored her to ask W not to go there. Regardless of what they are... there is no excuse in having her spend every bit of free time while I have the baby there considering how it makes me feel.
But what I feel doesn't matter. W is allowed to do whatever she wants and I'm suppose to support it, because if I criticize it they heap blame on me and then vehemently attack me for "attacking" W.
I really don't mind burning these bridges... and I really don't see anything coming in the future in terms of W and I absent some sort of miracle. Giving myself until June 1. If I don't see any positive traction in the relationship by then, I think I'm going to recommit to the D.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I will never, EVER understand why in the world someone would like to:
- their doctor
- their lawyer
- their counselor
What's the upside? Your image???? Yet the downside is HUGE.
And yet waywards almost always lie to all three of them.
Puppy
Yep and when I was a WAS I lied to all 3. After a few years I noticed the downside.
Now as a LBS I watch WAH ( No he does not know better )lie and I feel the tremendous rush of being in the right. I watch Hs life unravel all because of dishonesty.
I know I'm a very unusual person in the sense that I'm a bit too honest sometimes. I feel awful if I hold in a secret or lie about anything. So the first thing I did when I walked into my lawyer's office, my preacher's office, and my therapist's office was unload everything that pertained to my situation, including all skeletons that might be brought out of my closet.
That bugs the heck out of W's family because they can't blackmail me by threatening to reveal anything because they know that I truly don't care. The person who cares least in that sort of situation seems to be in the stronger position.
MIL actually criticized me for "getting to the preacher first" because I basically told him everything I had done, and when MIL called to play the blame game he told her he already knew about it. They can't stand a loss of control.
They attempt to micromanage and choreograph each interaction on the tactical level to push "their" version of events - and I'm playing grand strategy and piecing together the larger picture. So while they say "Oh we'll just say you were getting him to fix your car" I'm documenting and recording the other times she's been there, the fact she wasn't outside nor was he while her car was parked there "getting fixed" and our interactions where I asked her nicely to please respect our M enough to at least keep it out of my back yard.
I've now introduced a bit of conflict in the A - so we'll see how it plays out. The biggest threat for me right now is MIL/W getting desperate and attempting to fake an interaction/threat/etc. to get "something" on me.
It is a matter of when, not if I have the following happen: 1. restraining order 2. allegations of child molesting 3. allegations of abuse
I'm being proactive as I can to document and record everything - but I never know what to expect and hope they'll pick something I can easily disprove.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
