I Never Imagined Being Here

[pearlharbr]

Did you follow through with robx's advice about boxing up W's stuff and asking her to pick it up? I think this is a good thing to do plus it gives you a reason to make contact that isn't pursuing. I agree with beno that going dark is not the answer for everyone, but you cannot pursue her.

Here is robx's entire post from 4/15. I think you need to reread it because it's all good advice.

you are establishing push / pull,
you're seeing how she uses it,
you pull her towards you, she pushes you away.

Now that you know that this dynamic exists in your relationship, use it to your advantage.

Pack her things, call her, ask her to pick them up, since she has moved out, there is no use for her to keep her things at your home. If she asks why you want her stuff gone, ask her if she is storing any of your belongings at her place - obviously you aren't.

Plus with you moving her stuff out, it gives you an opportunity to do some needed cleanup around the house and gives you some ideas with what to do with the extra space in the home: more organizing, painting, moving stuff around, etc. Be vague.

Here's the tough part, assume the mindset that it's over.
Yes you just swallowed your tongue when I said that.
The sooner you do this, the mindset you will adopt afterwards will be more attractive and she will be more comfortable around you, it will draw her in because you are no longer pulling her in.

Tough idea to put in your head, great idea to put into practice because it works.

Here's what it looks like to me: you are still focusing on your W instead of yourself. You're worried about how she will react to what you say/do, you're analyzing what she said to mutual friends. It's good to have the info but stop making it all about her. Drop the rope. Work on yourself for yourself.

[Making_IT]

Thank you beno and PH.

I have not packed up the remainder of her things yet. Looking around the house, there will be quite a bit! I think that may be a good idea to do this weekend. Thank you for the reminder.

Is it normal to have mixed feelings about wanting things to work or not? I have really been flip-flopping a lot internally. One side of me wants to do whatever is necessary to work on the marriage. The other side of me, realizing that she has to want to work on things, says just let it go and get on with life. I am feeling more and more pressure to just make a decision if she isn't going to make one. Right now I feel like my only two choices are to wait it out or ask for a D. The idea of D has been creeping back into my mind more and more, but I do feel things are still too early to make that call.

I spoke with her mother yesterday and she said that they had a good visit last week. Her mom said that she is still getting mixed signals. She did mention that the W commented several times that I hadn't contacted her of which my MIL told her that I was probably just giving her the space that she asked for.

My MIL felt it would be a good idea for me to send a brief text message just touching base. I did send a brief message yesterday afternoon stating, "I have been thinking about you and hope you enjoyed your trip back to see your family". I have not received a response as of today.

I agree that I need to get better at focusing on myself and quit focusing so much on my W. It may just be part of the roller coaster, but I feel like I have some really good runs where I don't focus on her as much and then I start coasting back down the hill. I do often find myself thinking obsessively over what she has said to others, what her actions are symbolizing and what she is going to do next.

I am sure that it sounds like my thoughts and feelings are all over the map,,,,, which they are. I truly appreciate all of the advice and guidance that you are all providing. I do feel that it has helped me get to a better place with myself at a much faster pace.

Thanks!

[pearlharbr]

I think it's totally normal to have mixed feelings. But you don't just have two options. You can get on with life because it's necessary to work on the M. They are not mutually exclusive. That's where loving detachment comes in. You are giving her the space she wants and needs while working on yourself and moving forward with your life. There is no need to file for D anywhere in there.

You are on the roller coaster but you don't have to be. You can make the choice to get off. You are choosing to allow your W's actions dictate your emotions. Take her out of the picture, focus on yourself, and you will get off the roller coaster.

Why were you talking to her mother? Did MIL call you or did you call her? Do not try to involve her parents as it can totally backfire. If you have contact with her family you must DB them also. This is a mistake I made myself so I speak from experience.

And do not rely on their advice because it comes from them. While they may mean well it doesn't mean they know what's best. Use whatever information they offer as a source of knowledge but make sure what you do is part of your plan. You weren't going to contact your W until Thur but you did it yesterday because MIL suggested it?

Always keep in mind that you cannot control anything but your own actions. Use this time wisely. What were the issues your W identified as making her want to leave? Have you examined them objectively and determined which ones have merit? If she hasn't given you reasons can you figure them out on your own? What are you doing to make those changes in yourself to become a better person?

[Making_IT]

Thank you for the reality check PH..... I need it!

I see your point about about getting on with life as a necessary part of working on the M. Maybe it is the roller coaster of feelings, but I get this flood of thoughts at times that tell me that I have to make a decision between those two options. In reality, you are exactly right. I will make a conscious effort to get off of this ride and focus on me.

Her mother called me yesterday on my way to the gym. She has called me ~once per week to touch base. My W has been very closed off and hasn't shared too much with her since everything happened. The situation has been traumatic for her as well, as she never saw this coming and we have been together since we were kids.

It was my idea to contact my W yesterday and I asked my MIL's opinion while we were talking. I haven't been sure if I should start the NC at this stage or not. I want her to know that I am still here, but I don't want to push on her. When her mother said she seemed angry that I hadn't contacted her, it pushed me to send her the message. Maybe I shouldn't have.

In terms of reasons that she has given for leaving, there have been many. Just to list a few:

- She felt that we had grown apart in the last two years while I completed an MBA and changed job positions.
- She feels that she has missed out on parts of life from us getting together so young.
- We got married too young.
- Things quit working for her.
- She just wasn't happy seems to be the most common one.
- Although she always said that she liked us having separate hobbies on the weekend, she began to change and didn't want to be the one to ask for the other to change.
- She said that she refuses to be in a relationship where she has to threaten to leave (i.e. why she said she never talked about D or separation prior to the bomb).
- I wasn't the kind of person that liked to sit down and watch movies. I was always doing stuff.
- Christmas of 2007, we didn't exchange gifts and this bothered her but she didn't want to say anything. (We went on vacation to a cabin in the Flagstaff).
- She has asked for the two of us to get away for a weekend for ~1 yr and I never planned it.
- She has acknowledged that she has never had any closure from her father's passing ~3 yrs ago and this has likely affected her overall feeling of happiness.

These are just a handful of many other reasons that she has given me and our friends. I certainly believe that these things have left a negative perception of our marriage to her. I truly feel that the majority of those are what she is using to justify her actions. My honest opinion is that she has a lot of internal unhappiness from bottling up things over the years. Unfortunately, the marriage is taking the blunt of the impact because it is a variable that she can control.

[pearlharbr]

I think contacting your W was ok, just be careful not to send any pursuing message. That's why I would have preferred you to send a message about something specific and not just a general checking in.

Clearing out her things will help with many things. It gives you a project to do, gets her out of your space and allows you the opportunity to make your house more yours.

I understand that your MIL is suffering in this sitch also, but that is not your problem. Yes, continue the relationship with her if that is what you want but make sure to put your wants and needs first right now. After all she is your W's family first and foremost. When the dust settles she may end up squarely behind your W.

Know that your W is going to be angry about many things you do or don't do. That doesn't mean you're not doing the right thing. WAS often react negatively but they'll get over it. You cannot let the fear of scaring her away guide your decisions and actions.

Which of those reasons do you think are valid? And what do you think you contributed to the downward slide of the M? She may have a lot of her own issues but she is not the sole cause of the issues between you. You need to own your part of the problems and do what you can to remedy them.

What I hear in that list is that she feels like you didn't value her. You didn't make an effort to try her hobbies or make time for her. Sounds like she also is afraid of open honest communication for some reason.

What can you do to address these issues?

I have these elements in my situation too. xBF was afraid to tell me that he was unhappy so he let it build up until he just wanted out and had EA/PA to do that. And it is true that I didn't make an effort to try his hobbies because I was happy with us each having our own thing. He now realizes that his lack of communication had a lot to do with us getting to that point and says he wants to work on that. But he came to that realization on his own, not by me telling him that was his problem to deal with. I was, and continue to be, focused on my resolving my own issues.

Maybe this will help. Somewhere on here I read a statement that I used as my daily mantra. I wanted to be able to reach a point where I could say it to xBF and mean it.

I don't need you to be happy; I'm happy with who I am. But I do love you very much and I'd be thrilled if you'd go on my journey with me. If not, I understand, and I'll be very sad but I'll be fine.

[dburt]

Mistake contacting her, she was getting mad that you have not contacted her? Good, that means she was starting to want the contact, now that goes back to 0. She is still controlling you, now is the time to give her the space she wants, because you have better things to do!

Be very careful with the MIL, when it comes down we all get behind blood, its just how it is.

Burt

[Making_IT]

Know that your W is going to be angry about many things you do or don't do. That doesn't mean you're not doing the right thing. WAS often react negatively but they'll get over it. You cannot let the fear of scaring her away guide your decisions and actions.

Thank you for pointing that out, that is absolutely an area that I need to work on. When I am having higher moments, this is less of a problem. When I am feeling down, I go back over every action that I have done and over analyze how she may perceive it. I drive myself to a point of fear/panic that isn't healthy.

I certainly contributed to the situation that our relationship is in today. I took her for granted and kept the marriage on auto-pilot. I just always assumed that we were the high-school sweethearts that would be together forever. I didn't take the time or make the effort to stop and ask her how things are going in a sincere way. I was caught up in my own life and didn't place much effort in understanding what her needs are and how they have changed. I felt that by buying her the things that she wanted and taking her on nice trips, that was enough.

I was a very poor listener. When she would try and talk to me I quickly focused on finding an answer/solution instead of just listening and truly understanding. This is a trait that I am working on changing daily even with basic communication with co-workers and friends. I still have a ways to go on this. I have always known that she bottles up feelings and emotions. Knowing this, I should have put more effort in getting through to her.

When I finished my MBA last October, I told her that I wanted to start running with her. She had started the year prior and has done really well with it. She lost a lot of weight and built a lot of self-confidence. I did start running with her and ran my first 5K earlier this year. I was feeling good about it and was beginning to truly enjoy it. After all of this went down, she told me that she felt like I was pretending which hurt a lot. That isn't something that you can "pretend" to do for any amount of time. This may have been part of her justification.

[Making_IT]

I will be more cautious when speaking with the MIL. I have always had a close relationship with her and really didn't think twice about it. Also, my curiosity got the best of me and I was wanting to know what she has been up to. This isn't focusing on me and I realize that.

PH, I really like your quote at the end of your post. It rings true. The hard part is imagining being happy without that my W in my life. I have been with her since I was 15 yrs old and don't know what life is like without her. It is scary at time. I know that I will be happy again, but there are times when it doesn't feel like it. I need to keep picking myself up and dusting off. The highs are getting higher I have to admit and the lows don't feel quite as desparate. It still hurts though.

[pearlharbr]

I took her for granted and kept the marriage on auto-pilot. I just always assumed that we were the high-school sweethearts that would be together forever. I didn't take the time or make the effort to stop and ask her how things are going in a sincere way. I was caught up in my own life and didn't place much effort in understanding what her needs are and how they have changed.

Ah yes, I knew our sitchs were a lot alike. We aren't hs sweethearts but I did make thos same assumptions. Lesson learned.

I was a very poor listener. When she would try and talk to me I quickly focused on finding an answer/solution instead of just listening and truly understanding.

This is a very common trait in male communication style. If you're really interested in learning more about this I highly recommend reading You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen.

Sorry about the comment about pretending to like running. Some of the things they say are very hurtful but keep in mind the DB adage, "Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do."

I know it's hard. I didn't think I would ever be happy without xBF. But now is the time to explore what your life alone would look like. That's why I keep harping on you to use this time to work on yourself. That's what the GAL activities are for. You are building a life that you are happy in and then you see where your R stands.

[Making_IT]

Just venting a little....

For some reason my thoughts are racing this morning. I really want to pick up the phone and give her a call. Today makes two weeks since we have spoke and it is wearing on me.

When I am having these down moments, I have a difficult time stepping back and thinking about me. I keep wondering what she is thinking or planning about us. I wonder what will come of us and then I have that sinking feeling that she will refuse to try for our marriage. Not healthy thoughts, I know. It is just hard to clear them from my mind. Letting go isn't easy.

On the bright side, last night was a good night. I went to the gym with a friend and then we went and had a light dinner at a place on the bay. It was nice to get out around other people and I do notice that it lifts my spirits greatly.