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My wife too is going at break neck speed to divorce. Bomb dropped December 08, divorced by July 09, 15 years done in 7 months. No thought, no love, no compassion, only anger, hostility and negativity even though she calls me negative for not babysitting for her when she wants to go out. Selfish comes to mind, and another thing, when she told a friend we were divorcing her friend said is one of the bravest things you can do. All this does is validate to my wife it is the right thing she is doing.


Bomb dropped: 19/12/08
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I don't know. I am so hurt at this point. I spent the first couple of months after the bomb beating myself up. But at this point it seems to me my marriage came down to this, I got sick. My wife got tired of being around a sick guy. She bailed and dredged up everything I ever did wrong to blame me. Then she found a new guy. I still love her. And I feel terrible for what this is doing to my kids, but I just don't know if I want to carry on dbing.

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My wife told me, after serving the divorce papers, that her best friend had a guy to set her up with. Her best friend subsequently called me and told me that she was "rooting for us." When my wife told me she was seeing a guy that her friend had set her up with, I called her friend all sorts of names to my wife. Well evidently my wife told the friend. The friend calls me yesterday and basically says "I did not set her up. (W) is acting selfing and irresponsible and I'm not going to be blamed." This was the tipping point for me to realize that this affair pre-dated my wife's request for a divorce. Everyone from my lawyer to my family has greeted this with a hearty "Duh!!!!" I just never considered the possiblity my wife could be unfaithful to me. I never considered the possibility that either of us could be unfaithful.

I now realize that so much of what has been going on is my wife trying to lie to me to keep me from knowing this started before the filing to keep me from requesting joint custody. She has lied to me. She has thrown her best friend under the bus. And she told me smuggly that the the other guy "reminds (her) of an older (me). One that has learned some life lessons."

I think she is on the verge of learning some life lessons. Since she was 23 I have taken care of her. She hasn't had to work for the past 5 years. I have always provided for her and the family. And I have taken responsibility for her every inscurity and neurosis. And she re-paid me by cheating on me, lying to me, and wreaking destruction on my family. And all I did for 2 months was worry about myself and how I had caused this.

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Well please ignore everything in that last post. I just got overwhelmed and panicked. I don't think my wife's relationship with this guy pre-dated her asking for a divorce. We just have a very strange situation. Everyone I know keeps telling me I heed to move on. A friend of my wife called me the other day and told me "you need to realize your marriage is over." It is so frustrating since, particularly now, we are together fairly regularly and have a great time together. We hang out, have fun, and then she goes off on a date. And I know some people will say I need to stop doing that with her, but my gut tells me I will not accomplish anything by going dark. She just has it set in her mind that we need to sell the house and the divorce needs to be finalized and she will not waver. Yesterday she told me it was ok for me to claim the kids as dependents going forward. She really seems not to care very much about the money. She has told me I can keep 75% of the furniture and stuff. She also told me the other day that she "hated me when she did this. Otherwise she would never have been able to do it." It just seems like now she is over the hatred and anger. She sees that since my diagnosis and treatment I am physically a different person, but she just will not consider an alternative route. We have to get a divorce and sell the house. She says that there is a separation between us and that she just can't get past it.

I still love her.

Do I keep going? If so, should I go dark or just continue to be positive and upbeat and keep it light and breezy? Should I act like I too am ready to start dating to get her thinking about that? The one rule I keep breaking is future talk. We've been discussing where we are each going to live when the divorce is final, her business she is opening, how we are going to handle the kids. I don't think it is too big a deal.

I know I have been all over the place, but I really could use some help.

Thanks,

Clueless

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I am really talking myself into the "make her think I am ready to go on a date myself thing." I was not the jealous type in our relationship, but the thought of her with another guy makes me want to die. She was extremely jealous. Maybe it is the only card I have left to play to shock her out of this single-minded track. I feel like this is all-but inevitable at this point. I know it is not standard db practice. What do you all think?

Last edited by clueless; 04/29/09 05:02 PM.
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Nothing? Nobody? Damn.

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I don't know....I've been thinking of doing the same thing to my husband. Saying I'm going out dancing with the girls to try to make him jealous, because he says he doesn't feel he would be jealous if I was with someone else. But, I think if he gets a taste of what it's like to wonder what I'm up to that night, maybe he'd change his mind. But, like you said it's not standard db practice...so I don't know, but I feel you're pain!


Me:28
H:30
M:6 yrs
T:11 yrs
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Thanks Coley. My w has said she knows she will be jealous when I find someone else. But I wonder what it will be like when she is actually confronted with it.

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Well, if she said that, then you might want to give it a try. Maybe not a full on date, but more nights out where she knows you could potentially meet someone. Might drive her crazy!
Good Luck!


Me:28
H:30
M:6 yrs
T:11 yrs
D2
Seperated:April 6/seperate bedrooms-same house
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 142
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I realize I have to go back to first principals. When she told me about the other guy (who she started dating after filing for divorce) and her friend told me I needed to realize my marriage was over, I beleived what I saw and what I was told. If there is even a slim chance I need to get back to db'ing. I just can't decide if I should be focused on being upbeat and good witht he kids around her, or if I should be going dark. Any thoughts appreciated.

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