Your advice as ever PM is good. I know I have to keep my wits about me and do what I can to give my W the chance she needs to sort her mind out. I know I don't have any control over it. In the mean time I have to enjoy and improve myself as much as I can in order for me to feel better about myself. I think I may be doing ok in that respect. I still have the odd time when I think no matter what I do, nothing's going to work. I know I have to persevere though.
Now, although I think I know how to proceed with my possible reconcilliation, I've come up against another problem. My friends introduced me to someone on Saturday night when we were out. She was a woman of a similar age to me who seemed to be a load of fun and we hit it off immediately. She was also very attractive and seemed to be fairly smart. Basically, the kind of woman I really would have gone for in the past. Well, me being me, I can't help myself when I get a drink in me and I'm a hopeless flirt. Normally, people see it for what it is and just laugh it off. This particular woman didn't seem to see it that way though. She got my phone number from our mutual friend and has been texting me a lot ever since. It was all very innocent to start off with but yesterday she started getting a bit more serious. She knows that I'm having problems with my W because I was completely honest with her. So she knows my situation fairly well. She's offered herself as a shoulder to cry on though and says that she only wishes there were more men like me out there. Also things like, "If only we'd met a few years ago.....". To be honest, I'm completely out of my depth here. I know I have to pass up this opportunity but I just wonder how long it'll be until the offers stop coming while I still hang on to the hope that my W is going to come home to me.
Nobody said life was going to be easy I suppose.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Getting a little attention from the opposite sex is nice, isn't it? This woman seems to be coming on very strong. Almost like no casual friend stage with her. Or maybe my friend stage is different than other women. I steered away from any man that might be tempting until I knew my M was done. And still, I'm not in a healthy place to start anything. Beware - as I know you are.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
I have not had the opportunity to meet men in a social setting. Actually I avoid situations like that.
Your situation is incredibly simple, in my mind, at least. You may disasgree.
Just ask yourself one question: Reverse the situation with your wife ie. How would you like your wife to react in such a sitation? Does it make it clearer now?
I thought so.
Last edited by PositivelyMommy; 04/28/0904:04 PM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Thank you all for your input. I agree with what all of you have said but I have to defend myself slightly in that I have no intention of going any further with this new woman. I never did. I still love my W dearly and would never betray her like that.
MsM, yes it is really nice to get some attention from the opposite sex. Obviously we have to be careful that we don't let it get out of hand but it's a great boost for the confidence. In that sense I can see it as a useful tool for DBing. When my W first left me I felt completely unattractive. Figured nobody would ever love me again because the one woman who was supposed to love me more than anyone has fallen out of love. By getting attention again, I feel stronger inside. Knowing that I'm still an attractive guy only strengthens my resolve and belief that I can get my M back. If a stranger can find me attractive so can my W.
PM, of course I would hate for my W to be in the situation where she has guys trying to be with her. I don't doubt that it is happening though. I would hope that she'd make the same decision as me and decide it was too soon. I know I can never gaurantee that though. She still goes out socialising when I have Wee Man and I know she'll be drinking and dancing. She's also an attractive woman so she will be getting male attention. I'm never out at the same time as her now though so I have no idea how she's acting and quite frankly, I don't want to know. It makes no difference to how I feel about winning her back.
Stacy, as for the drinking in mixed company, that's the way it's always been where I live. There's quite a small population and everyone I know always has mixed sex friends. I know my W has always had male friends just as she knows I've always had female friends. It's never been an issue before. It may be different where you are but it's pretty much the norm here for guys to hang out with girls on a purely social level. In fact, the friends who introduced me to this woman were also women.
So, in a nutshell, it was really nice and flattering to get the attention but there's no way I'm going to act on it. There's still too much to fight for in my M and I'm not about to ruin all that by being with someone else. You can rest assured I'm not about to give up DBing any time soon!
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Kev, Admit it, you were tempted. My question to you is, are you going to let her get closer to you or are you going to draw a line to her texts? Be honest with yourself. You don't have to answer to us. Just ask yourself how far you will let this go on before you stop? My H never drew a line, he let the OW pursue him and then said,'Oh, but I never went looking for it.' My answer is, 'Well, you didn't stop it either.'
Here is a woman who is OW material. She is approaching a man who is having marital problems, positioning herself to be the answer to his woes. Sound familiar, LBS out there? What type of person intentionally gets tangled up in other people's marital problems??? Answer is, someone who is very insecure. I feel sorry for my H's OW in a way. She doesn't feel she deserves a man of her own. How sad. She needs to take something from someone else to feel powerful, to feel worthy, to feel happy. She cannot be happy by herself. She needed to do this to feel fulfilled.
I am sure you are a nice guy, a charming soul. Ask yourself, why did this lady choose you? Out of all the people in town, why you? Why someone who is unavailable?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Your initial question was a good one. Was I tempted? Honestly, I'd have to say yes I was although I had the good sense not to since I knew how much I'd hate myself for it afterwards. When she texts now I answer her pleasantly and politely but I never initiate that first contact. I figure if I play it right I'm not even going to have to get to the stage of letting her down gently. She'll just lose interest I'm sure.
I think you've completely nailed it when you said she was insecure. I've had that impression myself since we met. Her last relationship wasn't a good one from what I hear. He put her down all the time until she started to believe it. she was with the same guy for 15 years. They even have 3 kids together. Trust me, this is something I'm really not looking to get involved in.
Just last night I discovered a reason to why I may have acted with her as I did. I was reading over a bit of 'No More Mr Nice Guy' again when I noticed that nice guys seem to be attracted to people who need help. This woman would definitely fall in to that category. Well, that's my theory anyway.
Basically, if I can get another friend out of all this, I'll be happy enough. If she can't accept just being a casual friend, I'll nip it in the bud.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Just so you know how women think, they will be around, constantly. Just to 'be there', pretending nothing is going on, Just waiting around for an opportunity for you to 'cry on her shoulders'. All women do this. It's part of our nurturing side. But it's not necessary innocent because we know exactly what we are doing.
We might not give any indication that it is anything but platonic but there is an ulterior motive. We don't really need guy friends. Girlfriends are really fantastic, we can talk heart-to-heart, we can go have fun. We want guys around as backups for our primary male relationship.
So now you know our secret, proceed with care.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I'll bear that in mind PM. Just for the record though, I do have some amazing platonic friendships with women who I've known for years. Longer even than I've known my W. When I met my W, she accepted them as friends of hers too. They still speak to both my W and me and I'm often thankful of them. It's always nice to get a woman's perspective in situations like this.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
and I think that is perfectly normal. Not all single woman are on the prowl for another womans husband, but they (we) are sometimes made to feel that way. I do consider it takes 2 people to start an affair and one of them is the person we are / were married to.
Like all things we use our own judgement and err on the side of caution,especially if we are feeling vunerable, but do not demonize all single woman just because they are single and friends with a married man.
