Slowly but surely - detach and 180

[hopeful_cb]

I really like that quote. I think I may just copy it down and use it to help keep me positive about my attitude. Thanks for sharing it.

[hopefulinEG]

I need help. I did something really stupid last night. I told a mutual friend that W had slept with someone else. I did not say who but said it was someone at DD school. The friend was telling me how nice W was and bla bla bla and I just couldn't stand it and told her that W isn't as nice as everyone thinks. I did ask her to keep it between us but I can't imagine she actually will because it is too good of gossip.

So either 1) She tells people and it gets back to W and she hates me even more and will never forgive me or 2) it doesn't get back to W but it does get around and if/when we reconciled everyone would know she had been unfaithful. I don't know what to do. Do I call her and say I lied and was just upset she was defending W althought she might have already told people or do I call W and tell her I said something and hope she understands my moment of weakeness. Or do I just not do anything and hope that it doesn't blow up on me. There have been a lot of rumors going around that W had thought I told but since believed me when I told her truthfully that I had not said anything. She said she knew that I wouldn't do that. So if I went to her and told her she would at least see me as truthful and maybe less unforgivable. She could then do some damage control.

I feel so stupid to let myself react like that.

[hopefulinEG]

The other thing why I feel so stupid is the friend told me that W had told her how much she loves me and talked very highly of me. I asked if she said she loved me before or now and she never answered that. W doesn't know this woman very well and didn't really like her much (W is friends with the W that the friends husband left her for) and so I don't know why she would confide in the friend but maybe she did tell her that?

Maybe I should call up F and go out to coffee and get her as a "confidant" in my trying to get back together. Get her to tell me what W said and maybe it would keep her from spreading the rumor more?

[hopefulinEG]

Well I lucked out and the friend doesn't remember anything from Friday night. I guess she was pretty drunk that night. Part of me still wants to call her to see if I can get her to tell me what W said about loving me but I don't think that would be a good idea since she doesn't remember telling me about it and we aren't really good friends.

[hopefulinEG]

So I did good GAL this weekend. I went out Friday night (see above) and then I went to see a play on Saturday night and to Sushi after with a new group of people. I found them on Meetup.com and so these were people I didn't know. I was very nervous to go alone to meet strangers but it turned out great. I talked myself into it knowing that it might be ackward the first few times but then I would know them and it would be fun. I also told myself that I could leave anytime if I felt to uncomfortable.

Next weekend I'm going to go to linedancing lessons at a local bar. That will make me nervous too but I need to do this stuff.

I do think going made me feel better after. I felt kinda more confident. When I saw W on Sunday to pick up kids I didn't have that sad feelings. I do still think about her a lot but not as intensely. Another thing was this morning I had to meet W at DD school to exchange some stuff and apparently I walked right by W like 4 times without seeing her and she had to come grab me. That was definitly a change. I usually spot her immediatly and am aware of where she is at all times.

W and I have a counceling appointment today at 1:00. I am really going to try to switch things over to get W to talk and not let Counceler focus on me. I will also try to get across that I am moving on with or without W.

Should I mention that I went out Saturday if the C asks about how we are doing? Say I have found a lot of peace and even went out and had some fun and meet some new friends on Saturday. Don't tell W who or where but just mention that I did. Not sure if that is too much or if I should just keep doing things and let her hear about it more casuallly, like asking her to watch kids so I can go etc.

[hopefulinEG]

Forget my previous question. Of course I should not mention it. And really I should even want to. I didn't do it for her. I did it for me. If I am doing things just to get W back or make her jealous or whatever than what is the point I could just lie and tell her I was doing things when I wasn't.

Going out is to make me happier and it did. None of her business what I do and I don't need to go trying to wave it in her face. This is my same old pattern. Thinking about what SHE would think instead of what I think.

[hopefulinEG]

Still on the rollercoaster. I am on a downswing today. Feeling like I am still making stupid mistakes and not practicing the DB principles when I have opportunities.

We went to counceling yesterday and I fell into the same old patterns. Instead of validating her, I argued. I can see it all very clearly now. Why can't I do this when I really need to. I feel so incompetant. I keep sabotaging myself. Am I afraid of rejection so I set myself up to fail in a way that doesn't mean she rejected me because I forced her away.

I should be working on eliminating negative feelings and I am doing the opposite. In counceling I am going right to trying to fix the relationship instead of the more important reducing negative feelings.

I have also been trying to minimize contact to give her the time to think over what has happened and reduce the chance of more conflict. But life has gotten in the way of that. She also is made at me for saying I don't want to see her and would rather she didn't txt me during the day. Maybe I should just not say anything and just do my best to not initiate any contact and try to arrange things so we don't see each other. Send e-mails instead of call and leave notes instead of txt. If I keep doing it maybe she will respond accordingly.

Oh I don't know what to do now. Maybe I need to get a DB Coach. I need all the help I can get so maybe I should seriously consider that.

-Catherine

[hopefulinEG]

I am trying to start over. I have failed miserably and gotten way off track and not focused on the end goal. I have been way to focused on my fears and not being optomistic at all.

So I thought about this a lot since Wedneday when I posted and I am going to focus on my attitude. I posted this quote up everywhere and read it 10+ times a day to keep myself in a PMA.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts.... We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes."

I am focusing on being someone she wants to be around and be happy and upbeat. I am been sullen and standoffish since our counceling and taht is definitely the absolutely wrong thing to do. I think I also made a mistake pushing the fact that I don't want to see her or talk/txt her and minimized our contact and pissed her off. I'm not sure how to reverse this without looking either pursuing or like I am changing my mind AGAIN. So I will just go with how things are and make every contact positive. Over time I hope we can just go back to normal contact without having to really discuss it.

[clueless]

I think that you got it hopeful. Make every contact that she initiates positive. Respond, but don't be too eager. And be the kind of man she would be an idiot to not want to be with. And have some fun this weekend!

[hopefulinEG]

Things are calm. I have been very positive and upbeat whenever I saw her over the last week. On Saturday we did a garage sale at the house she is living at because the whole neighbor hood had one. She came over friday night and picked up a couch and bed to take over for me. She was a bit grumpy and tired and I stayed happy and positive. On Saturday I brought her a starbucks in the morning (6am). She was nice all day and even asked me to go around to the other garage sales with her in the late morning. We joked around a bit and had a pretty good day.

I have also not contacted her at all. Letting her contact me. She has called me pretty much every day with something about the kids. She also has e-mailed every day. I think that is mostly just kid coordination stuff and not her wanting to talk to me. I don't think she is anywhere close to the missing me stage. I think she misses the kids a lot but not me. She has been very good about being flexible with the kids also which has been a blessing.

So I have had a few bad days but even during those I am able to keep myself focused on the goal. Reminding myself that it will take a LOT of time and I need go on with my life in the mean time and work on myself and become the best person I can be. make every interaction positive in the mean time. It is hard going a few days without seeing her at all. I still always wish she would call or txt me. Gotta detach better on that one. also still think about her all the time. There are periods during the day that I don't think about her but not long I snap back to thinking about her. There aren't a lot of things that are distracting enough to keep me from thinking about her. Reading, watching movies, listening to audio books, even at work when I am working on a project or something that should be taking my whole focus I will go back and forth. So that is my biggest challenge to going on with my life is getting her out of my head.