Learning to Detach

[Virtually_Handsome]

Telling family went pretty smoothly. W's family has been great. They live nearby, and we see them a lot.

I don't see my family a lot, and we don't really talk a lot either. My mom reacted ok, I think she expected it. My dad and his wife expressed support. I think they blame W, but they haven't actually said it.

My sister sent a message and said that she should keep her mouth shut. I would have to say that I agree with her. She and W have never gotten along well, and I actually think that W is less to blame in that than my sister.

I think when you get down to it the fear of telling them (and the kids, for that matter) was a lot worse than the actual telling. I still expect them (at some point) to say negative things about W, and I will have to shoot them down, but it hasn't happened yet.

[kjensen]

Thanks Jeff. I think my H has avoided talking to family b/c he is scared of his parent's reaction, and also he still seems pretty conflicted. H hasn't brought up divorce in a long time. Both he and I have brought up separating our bank accounts, but he hasn't pursued this(and neither have I since he doesn't really use our joint account right now).

I want to be the LBS that can truly see that the A has to run its course, that H has to decide to end it/leave it before he can move on, but it is hard. I can understand H separating from me, not wanting to be with me, but I have the hardest time with is new neglect of his children. His love for them was something I thought was intrinsic, that his care and thoughtfulness for them would remain through this whole MLC. It was one part of him I loved.
So it scares me that if that isn't part of who he truly is, that I won't love him as much. If I see more and more of the things I loved about H disappear, I am very scared that I won't love the man remaining.

I think I understand that we love our spouses through the MLC by remembering who they were before the MLC, b/c once through the MLC the original person returns(?but changed?). But it sure is a big fear of mine that the H I loved won't return. There is truly less and less of that loveable spouse visible to me right now.
Any antidotes from those with more experience?

[kjensen]

Update: H arrived at our house after I'd left for work. My daughter called me at work regarding some confusion as to who was driving the girls to a school function this morning. Asked to talk to H on the phone to see if he'd be there for the sprinkler repair guy or if I needed to be there. He sounded hesitant to talk to me on the phone but I was upbeat and asked him how he was. He said he'd been in his meeting most of yesterday and had been very sick(GI stuff)-felt just awful. Wanted to quit all of his pills... I sympathized and was compassionate. He later emailed me venting about a client and said he'd see me at lunch. Kids were gone at lunch so we talked briefly. H said he'd laid around most of weekend, gone on a bike ride. H was surprised to hear about D13's new crush-realized he's missing things (DUH!!!)

H said he was willing to go to communication class a few more times at least(he'd talked to his therapist about it). Stated emphatically it was to learn better communication skills and NOT to resolve marital issues. I said I totally understood and had no expectations.

Funny thing-I picked kids up from their school thing and dropped them at home before heading back to work. My H was outside talking to a new neighbor that had moved in across the street from us(I hadn't gotten the chance to yet). Just thought it was funny since he doesn't live with us, that he's getting to know the new neighbor.

Overall things were pleasant and hopefully tonight will be a good class(active listening!!). :-)

[peacetoday]

Glad your H is willing to continue communication classes

just have to continue being patient a this takes a long while

but you seem strong and doing well
peace

[kjensen]

Thanks Peace.

I need advice as I am utterly confused. Communication class went well, we learned active listening techniques and did some practice with our spouses. H actually offered comments in class and participated fully. He shared some things with me, one of which was that compliments are meaningful to him if they provide him with a feeling of specialness or significance and aren't just about actions/tasks he does(which is what I've been focusing on!) At the end of class we are asked to thank our spouses for participating with us and H sincerely thanked me and said he wouldn't be in this class with anyone else(and when I said its because its only me that has poor communication with him, he shook his head).

On our drive home H shared that he found the class depressing b/c he realized that when we did our exercise he didn't want to stop talking(and let me summarize). The instructor said that some spouses feel that way when they don't feel they are heard in the relationship. H identified with that and says he has felt that way for years. H also was sad that over the years I've told him hw I and the girls are fearful of his anger. In class the instructor noted that anger often is a mask for disappointment and sadness and H felt that was what he often was feeling, but it came out as anger.

I asked H if he thought if he felt heard and significant within our relationship if he thought he would want to stay in our relationship. H said he doesn't know how to rewrite where we are. He can't see how to fix things. He is scared that if he puts effort into fixing things and it fails it will be the most depressing thing ever and a waste of his life. What I tried to understand and didn't quite get was if he felt that he was putting in effort now. H felt he has wasted half his life(and didn't blame me when I asked if he thought that was due to me), but he needed to figure out where he was headed and get on with things.

Also H said that he really felt he needed to be more separate and not work at the house in order to figure things out. So we are separating or bank accounts tomorrow.

So my confusion stems from his rational explanation of his misery. The feeling insignificant and the feeling I have the control in the relationship(which filters every word or action he sees from me)and he does not, seems to have guided him to separate from me and find the OW. So I am now wondering is this a MLC or is this just a man with great issues to deal with. Is this just a man exrememly unhappy in his marriage that got fed up one day and decided to leave? Have I been just a clueless, controlling wife who has inadvertantly and totally unintentionally made her dear husband miserable?

I was the optimist that things could work out, but after tonight, hearing his explanation I can't imagine him wanting to ever be with me again. I feel like I've done him a greater disservice over the years than he did by having an A.

H did notice that I've withdrawn and not pursued him. He says part of him is proud of me and part of him is sad b/c he doesn't know what to do with this new dynamic.

[Walking]

H sincerely thanked me and said he wouldn't be in this class with anyone else.... On our drive home H shared that he found the class depressing b/c he realized that when we did our exercise he didn't want to stop talking(and let me summarize).

So stuff was going well - you had a good session - he wanted to keep talking with you and he stuck up for you when you put yourself down ... and then you had to go and ...

I asked H if he thought if he felt heard and significant within our relationship if he thought he would want to stay in our relationship.

raise the relationship.

KJ - I think there is great hope for your relationship with your H but you seem to keep sabotaging it. You don't need to verbalise every thought that comes into your head.

You SHOULDN'T have relationship talks when everything is going well.

You keep throwing him these tests - "If I do this and this will you stay?" of course he has to keep his pride at this stage (and he's trying to assert some control over his own life - because as you've identified he feels as though there is an imbalance in that regard) so he has to pull further away from you - to demonstrate he has control.

Just leave it KJ. Don't enter into heavy conversations with him. By doing so you lose valuable opportunities to validate him.

When he told you he felt sad and dissapointed and unheard etc - you could have validated those feelings and shown him that you value how he feels ("Thanks for telling me that H. That helps me understand some of what's going on for you." - instead, you made it all about you and the R ...

Please stop talking about your relationship with him. It's time to learn to keep some of your thoughts in your head. I do understand that you've spent most of your adult life sharing everything with this man - but it's not helping you now. Have some mystery.

He told you

H did notice that I've withdrawn and not pursued him. He says part of him is proud of me and part of him is sad b/c he doesn't know what to do with this new dynamic.

that's a good thing. He needs time to deal with how you are changing and growing.

Keep it up, take care

V

[Walking]

H sincerely thanked me and said he wouldn't be in this class with anyone else.... On our drive home H shared that he found the class depressing b/c he realized that when we did our exercise he didn't want to stop talking(and let me summarize).

So stuff was going well - you had a good session - he wanted to keep talking with you and he stuck up for you when you put yourself down ... and then you had to go and ...

I asked H if he thought if he felt heard and significant within our relationship if he thought he would want to stay in our relationship.

raise the relationship.

KJ - I think there is great hope for your relationship with your H but you seem to keep sabotaging it. You don't need to verbalise every thought that comes into your head.

You SHOULDN'T have relationship talks when everything is going well.

You keep throwing him these tests - "If I do this and this will you stay?" of course he has to keep his pride at this stage (and he's trying to assert some control over his own life - because as you've identified he feels as though there is an imbalance in that regard) so he has to pull further away from you - to demonstrate he has control.

Just leave it KJ. Don't enter into heavy conversations with him. By doing so you lose valuable opportunities to validate him.

When he told you he felt sad and dissapointed and unheard etc - you could have validated those feelings and shown him that you value how he feels ("Thanks for telling me that H. That helps me understand some of what's going on for you." - instead, you made it all about you and the R ...

Please stop talking about your relationship with him. It's time to learn to keep some of your thoughts in your head. I do understand that you've spent most of your adult life sharing everything with this man - but it's not helping you now. Have some mystery.

He told you

H did notice that I've withdrawn and not pursued him. He says part of him is proud of me and part of him is sad b/c he doesn't know what to do with this new dynamic.

that's a good thing. He needs time to deal with how you are changing and growing.

Keep it up, take care

V

[kjensen]

Virgnia,
Thank you. I needed your clarity.
I've been a basket case since last night. I sent H an very sincere apology for doing/saying things within our marriage that cause him to feel insignificant and powerless. It was purely an apology. I wanted him to know that I truly heard his feelngs last night and accepted my part in causing them.

I understand that I did a major backslide by talking about the R last night. I will try harder to be more vigilant. I guess old habits are hard to break.

[Walking]

Girlfriend this stuff is hard. Probably the hardest thing you'll ever go through. Part of the journey is a crash course in humility but a big part of it is our own growth.

You are growing every day and I can see you are trying so so hard to do all the right things. Maybe it's time to relax. As Snodderly says - live your life and let him dangle in his own breeze for a while.

He's going through his own journey and your ONLY realistic option right now is to trust him to make his own decisions and mistakes. That sort of trust is probably the ultimate gift of love.

He's clearly very conflicted - you've got nothing to lose by untying the rope and setting him off onto his journey.

You might be surprised by what happens.

Take care, V

[Walking]

And stop apologising to him.

You have nothing to apologise for. Your backslide was your backslide - how it impacts on him and what he thinks of it is up to him.

Forgive yourself - you don't need to seek his forgiveness.