WAW1

[markhaving probs]

J,

I have identified 3 180's that I can do though I am bothered in that they seem to conflict with DR'ing.

1. Be as good a father as I can - I never gave them enough of my time so this is a HUGE 180. The only problem I have here is that now my wife is living a "single life", she tries to use my past to get me to have the children even when it is her weekend with the children. When I say I have a life too, she gets annoyed and says I only want the children when it suits me, and regards this as 'more of the same'. I am confused over this as if I concede to every date she wants me to have the children I then become a glorified babysitter and doormat.

2. Be helpful - This was another area I was petetioned in the divorce as being unhelpful and selfish. I want to improve here but I want to draw boundaries so that my wife is not asking me to do things around the house that I no longer live in, do not appear to have any decision making in regards to fittings in the house, and generally only needs me when she requires rubbish taken away, things she cannot do but asks me to. When I had accomodated her in the past she obviously noticed and genuinely thanked me.

3. Communicate Better - Another 'reason' on the petition, no communication. For us to communicate better would fly in the face of DR - detachment, going dark etc. I want to improve this but do not know how to improve communication without this clashing with my attempts to datach and letting her initiate contact. I always respond in things pertaining to the children, which sometimes requires vocal talk over the phone as things for the children are sometimes convoluted, but she has the knack of throwing in something that is not important and does not involve the children. I sometimes ignore or contact later things that do not concern the children. I want to try and create a small degree of mystery, though this is hard with children, I also want to improve communication, because as you have read in my previous post she was impressed we could sort out arrangements for Sunday because we communicated better.

These three 180's could have huge consequences if I was able to pull them all off over a period of time, though I only have a few weeks before we are divorced. The problem is how to resolve these 180's without compromising DR and my previous inadequacies.