I didn't engage or respond to her texts. It's just her trying to dredge up things to justify her actions again.
dw - I only thought about the past when she mentioned it. In regard to going dark, I have thought about that but in my case and on the forums the general advice is if you were someone that did not communicate, going dark would be construed as 'more of the same'. I am only responding to her if it pertains to the children. Anything else I do not respond for awhile until I have thought about a response and only if it is financial related.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I hate the mornings, they are the worst time for me as I think about my wife, the children and my life. I am still out of work with nothing coming on the horizon, I feel inadequate and my savings that I have worked hard for are dwindling. All the worst aspects of my life come to the front of my mind - the divorce, the thought of her with someone else, the children, summer holidays, and receiving the decree papers. I try to think of being in 'a happy place' but within seconds I am back to square one. As I am out of work I try to focus on finding work but I cannot do this all day. I try to think of a different career, something to get some money in, being unemployed means it is impossible to focus on anything other than my situation.
I'm sorry to sound so low but I just cannot seem to see any light at the moment and I am really hurting. She does not see any progress in me, I am DR'ing, attempting to GAL, etc but it does not make any difference to her. She has not wavered one bit since Decemberr 08, 100% focus on the divorce and as quickly as possible. She seems as though she has compartmentised all aspects of her life, and it feels as though she has a checklist in her mind that she ticks off when one item is completed.
This is so frustrating and painful particularly as NOTHING appears to be working. I know time and time again I have been told to forget her and concentrate on me and the children which I am trying to do, but when you adore somebody so much and think about them all the time it is virtually impossible. I also know I must be patient and try to be realistic about the outcome, which to her is a new life, but I am having real problems trying to come to terms with this.
I am sorry this is such a negative post but it is the way I feel at the moment and I am in complete turmoil.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Good morning. It must sunny where you are; it is gorgeous here in London. I'm looking forward to escaping the office at lunchtime to sit in the park!
It is totally understandable that you feel down and I experienced, and still do, those morning feelings. They are the worst! You wouldn't be human if you weren't suffering right now. Remember you are grieving, be kind to yourself.
What I would say here is that you need to do the work. Look at your situation objectively. Look at what you contributed to your marriages downfall and start on your 180s. This is what I believe will make the difference. You start to become more interesting and attractive to your spouse and it really helps you to take a good look at yourself.
I know your confidence has been shattered; mine was too for a long time. But people comment to me how different (in a good way ) I am to the pre h-gate/ post h-gate saga and H is starting to notice. It has taken so much longer than I ever imagined but I am better now (although still ride the rollercoaster occasionally) and our relationship is too. You don't want your wife back as she is right now do you? That wouldn't be fun! Let time work its magic.
One of the main principles of DBing is to do what works, re-read the section in the book when Michelle talks about nothing working. IMO you are not consistent enough yet so she doesn't see your changes as real.
If I were you I would identify what your 180s could be and then stick to them. I would take 3 at a time and be consistent and when those are part of your nature in interactions with her then work on some more. Don't try everything at once. There is general advice on this forum which is really good - take what will work for you and disregard the rest.
Do the work Mark.
And don't assume and get disheartenedthat she isn't noticing. Just because she isn't outwardly showing it does not mean she isn't noticing.
I hope you are well, I am in Reigate, Surrey and it is beautiful here too. Thank you for your response, it is such a boost for me when I see posts that can give me a lift.
I would like to ask your opinion on something if you don't mind. I did something for my wife that I did not need to do but it would have affected the children if she had to wait for someone else to do it. This is a boundary I have set in that I will do things for her if it involves the children.
When I texted her to say I had done the task which she did not know I was going to do, she responded with the nicest text she has sent for awhile. It said "Thank you so much Mark, I really am very grateful". For the rest of the day I received 3 more texts pertaining to the children including one that ended with her saying "ok its a win win situation, it only takes a bit of communication". This was in regard to arrangements for the children on Sunday. All the texts were 'friendly' worded if I include the last one, (or was she being sarcastic)?
Cut to today where I have had 5 texts (the first one was 0656 am)regarding different things and one of them was in regard to a message I forgot to give to her weeks ago. I apologised and said next time I will make a note, though instead of just saying 'ok' she said " don't worry, there probably won't be a next time". She seems to have reverted to WAW mode, though could me saying the next time I'ii make a note could have been construed as pursuing?
Lastly, since yesterday she has texted me 9 times mainly about the children, one if I had made arrangements to see a mate, and the other one was the one above. Does it seem strange she is texting so much?
Thank you in advance.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 04/29/0910:42 AM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Just wnated you to know that I have read, I just have to go to a meeting. I will respond properly later but the fact that she texts so much are great signs and great DB opportunities.
Have a great day and good luck with the job hunting!
I look forward to your response. I am eager to hear your DB opportunities. Also, the other day my wife had thrown out our place names that we had at our wedding (hurt really bad)and she also had put our wedding pin cushion (not tacky believe me)withh our names, date we wed etc into a drawer. When I went home today she had taken the cushion out of the drawer and placed it back on the chest of drawers. What do you make of that?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I know it's easy for you to read a lot in to these gestures like the text messages and the pin cushion but try not to. Your W isn't making a lot of sense right now and her actions may be for completely alien reasons that you're unlikely to understand.
Like JCJ told you in an earlier post, try to remain consistent with your changes. Your W really is noticing regardless of what she says to you. You mentioned before as well that no matter how hard you try to DB/DR or GAL she doesn't notice. You should be GAL for yourself, not for her. The idea is to become a better person in yourself and hope that she comes along for the ride. It's not about becoming a better person for her although I know that in the end you want her to appreciate what you've done. It has to be about you.
I know you're still totally hurting about losing her but you really need to keep your wits about you to have the best chance of reconcilliation. Ignore her messages relating to your R. You can think about things like that at a later date. Don't let her get a response from you that you'll later regret. Every reposnse you do give to her has to be short, to the point, and pleasant. Don't give her anything she doesn't specifically ask for. Don't go telling her about what you're getting up to in life unless she askes first. Even then, keep it brief and polite. If you go out of your way to do something for the kids, don't tell her. Let her notice on her own. If you tell her that you've done something and look for her approval it's like a dog waiting for a pat on the head for being good. You're not her lap-dog. If you do something expecting a reaction from her, that's known as a covert contract in the 'No More Mr Nice Guy' book. These are to be avoided at all costs.
Aside from all that, you seem to be doing better. We all have our off times and mornings do often seem to be the worst. Hang in there and start living DB, not just doing DB. She needs to know your changes are for real and if you aren't consistent and true to yourself, it won't work. Even if you're trying to change, you still have to be yourself. You can't change in to someone you're not because it wouldn't last.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
It's nice to hear from you again. Kev, I look for scraps to give me a lift, I also try to second guess her. I just do not seem to be able to shake off what my wife thinks /does which is so damned stupid on my part. I have been told so many times to forget what she is up to and concentrate on the children and me.
One thing I can do successfully is non-contact with her, she initiates ALL contact with me, though I took this too far by not phoning my children for two nights which to her obviously was 'more of the same'. I am having trouble detaching which I need to get to grips with.
I am going to take JCJ's advice and concentrate on three 180's to make it managable and give me some focus.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I have identified 3 180's that I can do though I am bothered in that they seem to conflict with DR'ing.
1. Be as good a father as I can - I never gave them enough of my time so this is a HUGE 180. The only problem I have here is that now my wife is living a "single life", she tries to use my past to get me to have the children even when it is her weekend with the children. When I say I have a life too, she gets annoyed and says I only want the children when it suits me, and regards this as 'more of the same'. I am confused over this as if I concede to every date she wants me to have the children I then become a glorified babysitter and doormat.
2. Be helpful - This was another area I was petetioned in the divorce as being unhelpful and selfish. I want to improve here but I want to draw boundaries so that my wife is not asking me to do things around the house that I no longer live in, do not appear to have any decision making in regards to fittings in the house, and generally only needs me when she requires rubbish taken away, things she cannot do but asks me to. When I had accomodated her in the past she obviously noticed and genuinely thanked me.
3. Communicate Better - Another 'reason' on the petition, no communication. For us to communicate better would fly in the face of DR - detachment, going dark etc. I want to improve this but do not know how to improve communication without this clashing with my attempts to datach and letting her initiate contact. I always respond in things pertaining to the children, which sometimes requires vocal talk over the phone as things for the children are sometimes convoluted, but she has the knack of throwing in something that is not important and does not involve the children. I sometimes ignore or contact later things that do not concern the children. I want to try and create a small degree of mystery, though this is hard with children, I also want to improve communication, because as you have read in my previous post she was impressed we could sort out arrangements for Sunday because we communicated better.
These three 180's could have huge consequences if I was able to pull them all off over a period of time, though I only have a few weeks before we are divorced. The problem is how to resolve these 180's without compromising DR and my previous inadequacies.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 04/29/0912:16 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
) I am to the pre h-gate/ post h-gate saga and H is starting to notice. It has taken so much longer than I ever imagined but I am better now (although still ride the rollercoaster occasionally) and our relationship is too. You don't want your wife back as she is right now do you? That wouldn't be fun! Let time work its magic.