H sincerely thanked me and said he wouldn't be in this class with anyone else.... On our drive home H shared that he found the class depressing b/c he realized that when we did our exercise he didn't want to stop talking(and let me summarize).
So stuff was going well - you had a good session - he wanted to keep talking with you and he stuck up for you when you put yourself down ... and then you had to go and ...
Quote:
I asked H if he thought if he felt heard and significant within our relationship if he thought he would want to stay in our relationship.
raise the relationship.
KJ - I think there is great hope for your relationship with your H but you seem to keep sabotaging it. You don't need to verbalise every thought that comes into your head.
You SHOULDN'T have relationship talks when everything is going well.
You keep throwing him these tests - "If I do this and this will you stay?" of course he has to keep his pride at this stage (and he's trying to assert some control over his own life - because as you've identified he feels as though there is an imbalance in that regard) so he has to pull further away from you - to demonstrate he has control.
Just leave it KJ. Don't enter into heavy conversations with him. By doing so you lose valuable opportunities to validate him.
When he told you he felt sad and dissapointed and unheard etc - you could have validated those feelings and shown him that you value how he feels ("Thanks for telling me that H. That helps me understand some of what's going on for you." - instead, you made it all about you and the R ...
Please stop talking about your relationship with him. It's time to learn to keep some of your thoughts in your head. I do understand that you've spent most of your adult life sharing everything with this man - but it's not helping you now. Have some mystery.
He told you
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H did notice that I've withdrawn and not pursued him. He says part of him is proud of me and part of him is sad b/c he doesn't know what to do with this new dynamic.
that's a good thing. He needs time to deal with how you are changing and growing.
Keep it up, take care
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
