Hi Rob, The sad moments seem to be coming along more rarely now - though they still show up from time to time. I'm in a different place now than I could have imagined myself being just a few months ago - and realizing a lot more about why things fell apart for us as they did.
Her revisions of our life don't bother me anymore - they just kind of intrigue me...and make me see again and again just how much anger she has in her. This past weekend, my S2 was sick on Saturday - which he usually spends with me - so she suggested he stay with her so that he could get some rest - I understood that, and agreed, especially since I knew that I had a lot of running around to do on Saturday - and he would not have enjoyed it much. So Sunday came around, and I texted to ask if he was feeling better and also to ask if he come spend some time with me that day since I hadn't seen him the day before - she agreed - and dropped him off around 10:30ish...five minutes after dropping him off she called and started snipping at me about being back by 1pm - because he needs to sleep. I said he could nap at my place if I'm running late - but she just kept getting angrier...so I let it go...
I didn't let go because I wanted to avoid an argument - I let it go because I realized what she was doing - she was, once again, trying to draw me into her dynamic of tension and anger - and I just don't want to have anything to do with it.
About a week ago - she sent me an email asking if she could borrow my portable hard drive so she could copy some files off of it - I had already said no to this request before, and had offered to burn her a disk with all the files she needed - that was a month ago - and she ignored that offer. Now last week she emailed me in a panic saying that she wanted to borrow the hard drive, and adding that if I was uncomfortable with that, would I mind burning the files to disk for her...So I did - I burnt all her files to three disks...and having to look at some of the images she requested was just heartbreaking. Along with other files, she wanted "family pictures" for an album she says she's putting together for S2. His birthday is in Sept - so there's plenty of time until then - but she seemed to want these pics now - so I saved to disk all the pics of him from when she was pregnant until she moved out...
Gathering those images meant that I had to look at months and months of memories - and constant reminders of the little family that she broke up. It made me very sad to look at some of the pictures - and it did make me cry - but I stopped short of wanting her back - it was mostly just sad to me that what I saw in these pictures wasn't enough...the happiness was clear - but not captured in the pictures was the tension at the margins. Looking back now, I can see the memories that surrounded the happier images - and I remember how often she snipped at my S11 and how often she made both my S11 and me feel like we were interfering with her time with S2. I could also see picture after picture that contradicted so many of the things she said about me in order to justify her leaving - and it made it so much easier to see that her leaving wasn't really about me...since the disparity between who I am/was and who she claimed I am/was is just far too vast.
I'm doing better now - a lot better. Still dealing with practical issues of life - like work, finding time and inspiration to write, etc - but always enjoying my time with my kids - and ever more certain that the end of my marriage with B is for the best.
