Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

Thanks Peace.

I need advice as I am utterly confused. Communication class went well, we learned active listening techniques and did some practice with our spouses. H actually offered comments in class and participated fully. He shared some things with me, one of which was that compliments are meaningful to him if they provide him with a feeling of specialness or significance and aren't just about actions/tasks he does(which is what I've been focusing on!) At the end of class we are asked to thank our spouses for participating with us and H sincerely thanked me and said he wouldn't be in this class with anyone else(and when I said its because its only me that has poor communication with him, he shook his head).

On our drive home H shared that he found the class depressing b/c he realized that when we did our exercise he didn't want to stop talking(and let me summarize). The instructor said that some spouses feel that way when they don't feel they are heard in the relationship. H identified with that and says he has felt that way for years. H also was sad that over the years I've told him hw I and the girls are fearful of his anger. In class the instructor noted that anger often is a mask for disappointment and sadness and H felt that was what he often was feeling, but it came out as anger.

I asked H if he thought if he felt heard and significant within our relationship if he thought he would want to stay in our relationship. H said he doesn't know how to rewrite where we are. He can't see how to fix things. He is scared that if he puts effort into fixing things and it fails it will be the most depressing thing ever and a waste of his life. What I tried to understand and didn't quite get was if he felt that he was putting in effort now. H felt he has wasted half his life(and didn't blame me when I asked if he thought that was due to me), but he needed to figure out where he was headed and get on with things.

Also H said that he really felt he needed to be more separate and not work at the house in order to figure things out. So we are separating or bank accounts tomorrow.

So my confusion stems from his rational explanation of his misery. The feeling insignificant and the feeling I have the control in the relationship(which filters every word or action he sees from me)and he does not, seems to have guided him to separate from me and find the OW. So I am now wondering is this a MLC or is this just a man with great issues to deal with. Is this just a man exrememly unhappy in his marriage that got fed up one day and decided to leave? Have I been just a clueless, controlling wife who has inadvertantly and totally unintentionally made her dear husband miserable?

I was the optimist that things could work out, but after tonight, hearing his explanation I can't imagine him wanting to ever be with me again. I feel like I've done him a greater disservice over the years than he did by having an A.

H did notice that I've withdrawn and not pursued him. He says part of him is proud of me and part of him is sad b/c he doesn't know what to do with this new dynamic.