Newcomer Looking for Feedback

[somuch2learn]

Four weeks ago, my W told me she wants a divorce after 1 yr and 11 months of marriage. I am guilty of placing my career before the marriage, but I still had no idea she had reached this point.

She has completely walked away from the marriage, moved out, and refuses to attend marriage counseling. I am in counseling alone in hopes that she may be willing to give it a chance. I have been using this website's resources for several days now, and will receive a copy of the DB book by the end of this week.

There is no history of alcohol, drugs, physical abuse, or infidelity in our marriage. Her biggest complaints are my neglect of the marriage due to work, and she feels I have become too conservative (socially, not politically) for her to be herself. This is my first marriage, and her second.

Many of her frequent statements for leaving are showcased on DB's homepage,"I love you, but I'm not in love with you, we got married for the wrong reasons, we have grown too far apart, etc."

I would appreciate any feedback, especially the no-holds-barred kind. I need help, and I need it fast, so don't worry about being polite. If anyone notices that I'm taking the wrong approach, please point it out to me.

Many thanks

[PortlandDad]

Welcome somuch. I'm glad you found the website, even though I lament the reason that you are here. You will get a lot of good advice and support if you hang out here long enough. You might want to mosey over to a few folks threads here and read up on their sitchs and pick out some good ideas that may be working for them. While you are there, feel free to toss a few comments or words of encouragement wherever you feel it appropriate. The more folks get to know you, the more likely they are to follow back and post on your thread.

which brings up another good idea: edit your signature and put a link back to your main story thread so people can follow your posting back whenever you post on other threads, too. Any additional information that you think will help people get to know you and your sitch is also a good candidate to put in your signature block. Also, feel free to just journal from time to time in your thread about the goings on in your sitch. It will serve to bump your thread and keep it in peoples eyes. There is a lot of activity here on the newcomers forum and threads tend to get old quickly.

Ok, so about your sitch. Tell us a little bit more about it. You have been M a pretty short amount out time! Are there any kids involved? What was the trigger event that led to the bomb? Is there a possibility of an OM in the picture? Since this is your Ws 2nd M, what is her marital background like? Have you considered the possibility that this is a MLC?

Post back with some more information and hopefully you can get some help and advice rolling your way!

[DeadmanWalking]

hey whats going on man, first off i just want to say sorry your here but nice to meet u anyway. I myself am not the person you want advice from, since i am still learning, but what i have learned so far is that when my W left i begged pleaded and cried, and all that did was empower her. So stop all that nonsense.....I know easy to say tough to do(especially condsidering i think i just cried the whole 7 hr car ride from ohio to chicago, but she dont know that). Secondly the only way that i got her to talk to me was to go DARK......totally DARK... again easier said than done. When i say DARK i mean no contact dont call or text no im's,no e-mails. This killed me hell the only way i made it is when i went fishing or out i gave my phone to a friend and just said dont give this back to me unless she calls. But she called me and we talked didnt really achieve my ultimate goal but we r talking and are on a friendly basis. Thirdly read DB also after you read DB the first time read it again. The last tidbit 2cent piece i can throw into the mix is as much as you want to tell her "I love you" or profess your love to her, dont i did this and i was trying to do a 180 I told the W that I understood that this is what she feels will make her happy and that I love her enough to let her go.....her reply to this was simply that if i loved her so much i would have done the dishes more often.

But like i said man just my 2 cents, im still learning and the people on this board are very supportive and will help you alot. I just wanted to throw something out to get some ideas flowing till some of the more experianced people have time to join in.

[somuch2learn]

Thanks for getting in touch. Can you tell me how to place a link to my main story thread? I updated my signature like you suggested.

My W has been engaged a few times prior to marrying me, and married and divorced after two years of marriage to a physically and emotionaly abusive ex-H. He had numerous affairs, and left her in severe financial debt. Two years after her divorce, we met, and we fell in love. Looking back, I now see she had a timeline on how qucikly our relationship progressed.

I have always had the philosophy "well if this will make her happy, then let's do it". I moved with her to her home state of Maryland. We got married, and not even six months after the wedding she wanted a house. At this point, she has become very financially secure, and I am in my first year of graduate school. Against the advice of my faculty, we use my VA home loan to buy a house.

Within a year of buying the home, she takes a new job with even higher pay. However,the commute is so long, that she rents a corporate apartment close to her office. My courses and lab work are starting to overwhelm me, and we hardly see each other, except to run errands and buy groceries on the weekend. Neither one of us was happy, but I had tunnel vision, and simply wanted to get through the first two years of mandatory coursework so I could begin work on my dissertation.

The trigger event was in January. She took her first international business trip right in the middle of my exam week. When arrived home at the airport, I was in the middle of a lecture. She always felt that I placed graduate school before the marriage, and this act sealed the deal for her. However, she waited until March because we were looking to refinance the house. Two weeks after we refinanced, she tells me she wants a D.

She makes well over 100K/year, and I'm living off of a 26K/year stipend. I know that divorce courts are heavily stacked in the female's favor. I'm going to have to borrow thousands just to show up for court. My marriage counselor is trying to get me to start calling lawyers, but I just can't accept that this is actually happening. How can a person walk away from a marriage that is less than 2 years old, and refuse to go to counseling?

My W has not filed papers yet, but I expect her to do so soon. I told her about DB, and asked her to check out the website. She went to the DB website, and later told me that she was disgusted, because this program is simply trying to sell manipulative tactics to spouses who don't want to get divorced. "This is NOT about real change, this is about tricking your unhappy spouse into thinking you have changed" she said. She's angry that I bought the DB book, and she told me that I had better not dare try any of these tactics on her, for it will just make the situation worse.

Well, I have rambled on enough for now. Thanks for getting in touch.

[somuch2learn]

Thanks for the advice Dead Man Walking. Going dark is definitely going to be a challenge. I hope when my copy of DB comes in, that I'll be able use the techniques to fight the temptation to try and contact her.

[pearlharbr]

Somuch, read the first chapter of Divorce Remedy (DR) in the forums here. That will help while you're waiting for the book. This is your tool for you and should not be shared with your spouse. Unfortunately you've already tipped her off which will make things harder for you. This means you'll have to be consistent in your actions and patient.

DBing really is about making real changes for just this reason. If you only do it to get your W back she will see right through that. You must be committed to taking a long hard look at yourself and making honest changes to become the best person you can be.

Also, do NOT immediately go dark. A lot of people jump right to this tactic but as MWD points out, this should be a last resort unless your W is having an affair. Start out by identifying what you did to contribute to the current situation and then do the opposite (180). For example, in my sitch I realized that I had become uninteresting because I just sat around in the evenings watching tv and playing on the computer. This was not the person my xBF fell in love with and was certainly not the person I wanted to be. So I started being more active: walking every day, trying to teach myself piano, taking dance classes, going out with friends. These were also my activities to get a life (GAL) which is another key component.

I recommend finding sandi2's list of things to do/not do for some behavioral guidelines. Also read up on other people's threads and post to them. Once you get a link to your thread set up in your signature they will be able to find you and come here to comment. Please keep your story on one thread. If you want to bump it up to get some attention just make another post. It gets very confusing trying to follow people when they have multiple threads going simultaneously.

Hope that's helpful.

[markhaving probs]

Hi somuch,

pearlharbr has given very good advice. I am seperated from my wife and children, but going dark in my case would be construed as doing 'more of the same'. Try to do the things pearl said in regard to GAL etc, and as hard as it is let her initiate any contact and then do not answer immediately. Let the phone ring, do not answer the texts immediately, let her think you are getting on with your life. Is your wife still involved in the EA or is she now in a PA? How did you find out about the EA? The only reason I ask is my wife said the I Love You But......, became distant, no conselling, commited to divorce, and I think she is now involved in an PA. If you know your wife well enough you will have a gut feeling, and as hard as it is, she is saying and doing the 'script' as more seasoned posters put it.

[somuch2learn]

Hi Mark:

Sorry for the elementary question, but I'm still learning the acronyms. Does EA stand for extra-marital affair? What does PA stand for? So far, she denies committing adultery, but I'm not an idiot. I bartended in college on the weekends, and I know the phrase "girls' night out" at bars and clubs has to be taken with a grain of salt. When I'm at home or in the lab studying for an exam, & she is out drinking, it is only a matter of time before the alcohol and the temptations of that environment will entice her to be unfaithful.

[markhaving probs]

somuch,

EA is Emotional Affair, PA is Physical Affair. She will admit all day long she is not having an affair, but losing weight, a new wardrobe, wanting to go out with her "girlfriends" and in my case my wife "having a few drinks", tell me lots.