WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

[confusedinpa]

As do I. That is "traditional wisdom", and the advice you will receive from people who have not actually looked deeply into the subject.

I'm proud of you man, I know how hard this must all be, and you are keeping it together for your kids.

Spellfire,

Thanks for checking up on me again and offering your encouragement. Hope your situation is getting better than mine. I know you have been in the fight a lot longer than I have.

Take care

[confusedinpa]

"She was very talkative after that and called me a couple of times afterwards (basically nonsense stuff). One of the times I told her I was in the middle of something so I couldn't talk."

Before she starts getting talkative, just say, I was just about to go out with some friends so I just wanted to say goodnight to the boys before they went to bed. Then end it.

Right now you are a crutch for her and you will continue to be until she finds someone else. Then she will move all her attention to her new man and you will be left out in the cold wondering, WTH happened? Think about it as preventive medicine.

You have to start this before it happens. Is that what you want to be used as? A crutch until another man comes along? Keep things cordial initially, then become friends again.

"I had lunch with one of my friends today. She told me I need to be careful not to give her so much space that she decides that I've given up/moved on so there is nothing to consider anymore. "

This is true, however you've only been at it for a week. She hasn't even been weaned off of you. All you're doing is giving her the space she wanted. She's still using you to make herself feel comfortable until she finds someone else that will do it for her. Do you want to be used like that?

I most definitely do NOT want to be the crutch. It is a very hard line for me to toe - between being a cold jerk to cordial/mysterious. I'm still trying to find my groove.

Tonite, she had sent me a text picture of the boys (she gave them a buzz cut) at 8:00 PM, then she tried to call at 8:10, then 8:15. I didn't answer. She left a message at 8:15. I called her back at 8:25 as her message said she was trying to put the boys to bed early tonite since my youngest has baseball tomorrow.

The boys picked up and my youngest asked why I didn't answer. I told him that I was taking a shower and just got out. The three of chatted for a while before we said goodnite. They sounded excited for tomorrow - most likely for baseball, but they are also coming home tomorrow.

She didn't get on the phone at all nor did she reply to my text about not being available for lunch today or tomorrow, but could do Thurs to talk about the B'day party.

She did send me an email torwards the end of the day about tactical stuff though.

My therapist, and my friend, seemed puzzled that I wasn't acting like I missed her. I'm puzzled by it too. It could be that it's been so difficult dealing with her the last several weeks, that I'm relieved right now not to have to deal with the nonsense. Not sure. I really have to dig deep to understand what's going on in my head/heart.

Guess that's just part of working on me.

I went to the gym today and then drove around for about an hour in my 88 IROC convertible since it's the last day that's suppose to be nice today. I've been trying to call one of my friends that I haven't talked to in a few days (he emailed to see how I was doing), but his line was busy. I've also cleaned/picked up the house to get it ready for the boys coming home tomorrow. I looked in the fridge and just realized I need to pick up groceries for dinner on Thurs, Fri and Sat. Guess I'll have leave work early to do that tomorrow afternoon before baseball.

I'm working on keeping busy, and reconnecting with some of my friends. I have a busy week at work next week and will go out to dinner with work folks Mon & Tues (can't do it Weds due to Baseball and I have the kids on Thurs & Fri).

Guess this is all part of getting a life, now I just need to be able to it outside of work....

[JayMan]

My therapist, and my friend, seemed puzzled that I wasn't acting like I missed her. I'm puzzled by it too. It could be that it's been so difficult dealing with her the last several weeks, that I'm relieved right now not to have to deal with the nonsense. Not sure. I really have to dig deep to understand what's going on in my head/heart.

This happened to me - there truly is a point where you are so weary emotionally/mentally that NOT dealing with it becomes more attractive than getting back your W - at least at the moment.

I love my wife more than I ever have, but her being gone right now, and not seeing her at all is great. I can love her and miss her and move on with life - it's all about letting go.

I'm not saying your marriage is done, but I believe your feelings are a positive step in the process.

[MrBond]

"My therapist, and my friend, seemed puzzled that I wasn't acting like I missed her. I'm puzzled by it too. It could be that it's been so difficult dealing with her the last several weeks, that I'm relieved right now not to have to deal with the nonsense."

This is perfectly natural. In fact, when my W did come back home, I actually felt irritated that she did since I was enjoying my time alone. It does come with dealing with it for so long that you are in a way happy that you have some breathing space.

That's why one of the fears of separating is to not even want to get back together with the WAW. Just as a warning, the next thing you're going to feel is anger for her leaving in the first place. The roller coaster doesn't stop.

You will however get to a point where you are "at peace". And at that point you will find yourself asking if you still want to be in this M or not. That's going to be the real test.

[confusedinpa]

This is really getting scary. My therapist and several of my "well meaning" friends have really been pressing me that perhaps I didn't/don't love my wife and saving the marriage because it's the right thing for the kids is the wrong reason. I know I have to stay strong and get myself recentered.....

I don't like this numb/non-missing feeling I have right now. I'm not looking forward to the angry phase.....

[MrBond]

Re-read DB and DR. They'll help you stay focused.

That's why there's that section about "well meaning" friends and ineffective C. The C I was seeing was surprised my W actually came back because she was so hell-bent on leaving and never coming back.

[confusedinpa]

Re-read DB and DR. They'll help you stay focused.

That's why there's that section about "well meaning" friends and ineffective C. The C I was seeing was surprised my W actually came back because she was so hell-bent on leaving and never coming back.

My counselor/therapist feels the same about my wife, that she's hell bent on leaving and has moved on and not looking back. I hope mine gets surprised as well.

I've read the section on "well meaning" friends. I try to take what they say with that in mind, but today's friend raised an interesting point that at least made me want to pause and think and bounce it off the folks here.

Thanks again for all your support.

[confusedinpa]

It was a busy day at work. She called me at 7 AM to ask me to bring chairs to my 3 year old's baseball game. She called again at 7:30 AM but I missed the call. She didn't leave a message.

She sent me an email later in the day asking if I wanted her to pick up our youngest to meet me and my oldest son at the park. I told her that I would pick them both up. Then she suggested pizza for dinner tonite. I replied that was what I was planning.

Then she called at 5:30 asking what was the plan. I told her that I was picking up both boys and pizza and we were already at the park. She seemed urked that she didn't know the plan and had expected me to call. I said that I thought the plan was in the email that she sent and I had confirmed. We went back and forth a bit and I just said that there must have been a misunderstanding in communication and asked if she was going to make it to the park. She said she would be there.

When she got there, she still seemed urked, but I just focused on the kids and had fun while we waited for baseball to start. She wound up leaving early as her stomach was bothering her.

I'm tempted to call tonite to see how she's doing but not sure if I should. Any thoughts?

[MrBond]

CIPA,

How was it today? No posts from you hopefully means you're out GALing.

[confusedinpa]

CIPA,

How was it today? No posts from you hopefully means you're out GALing.

Actually I had just posted.

It was a busy day at work off site most of the day so I couldn't get to the computer. My wife had called/emailed a few times during the day. I saw her tonite at my 3 year old's baseball. I tried to be cordial and polite but it was hard as just seeing her hurt. So rather than let it get me down, I focused on my kids and had fun with them. It was an interactive baseball where I got to work with my 3 year old during the baseball drills. Even my 7 year old got involved.

My wife would up leaving early as her stomach was bothering her. I'm tempted to call her tonite to ask how she was doing but know that's probably the wrong thing to do.....