Father Alone

[PortlandDad]

Hey mlb,

Welcome to the roller-coaster. It is not a fun ride, either. One day the W will be sweet, contemplative, and will be confused and be sending all the signals that they want to try and make up with us. The next day, they will be cold, short, and angry with us. It's all part of the sitch and the fog that they are in. The only way we avoid getting motion sickness of to pull back and let them go on their merry way until they figure it out.

And yeah, online games were a very destructive force in my life for a long time. My son is still trying to deal with the fallout from his gaming addiction, too. Fortunately I broke away and have no intention of every going back to that world. That's one of my 180s that has stuck: 9 months clean, sober, and MMO-free. Not too shabby.

So what kind of car were you looking for?

[mlb1976]

She wanted a convertable, so i let her pick one out, then used every horse trading technique i had to get it for her. It was an older one but she loves it, 2002 Chrysler Sebring, fully loaded , leather interior, she looks great in it lol.

I dont play anymore, however i do pop in and talk to my friends from time to time, One of my world of warcraft buddies was on his way to boston from Seatle before flying back to australia. We had some drinks, sang karaoke and had a blast. Im supposed to go to Perth sometime next year.

I figured why not, she is on this mission to find herself anyway I might as well help her along. She breaks my heart on a pretty regular basis, but I set myself up for it.

Ive been reading this book "The way to Love: The last meditations of Anthony De Mello" The whole book is philosophies on lovingly detatching, not taking anything for granted, Just admiring things for what they are and not trying to control or change them. Lots of good stuff there.

[PortlandDad]

You have a heart of gold, mlb. I won't say that buying her a car is exactly DBing, but I am sure she appreciates you and your efforts, that is for sure.

My sone still plays WoW; but does more for the social aspect as well. He is going to go visit a guildy of his over the summer in Missouri.

I will have to add that book to my amazon wish list: it sounds like a good read. If only my reading queue weren't already stuffed to overflowing already... Have a good weekend!

[mlb1976]

Well she gets to pay for it, i just did the leg work. After spending the week together im afraid im in a full on backslide. I call, i question I want answers. She wants me to leave her alone. Well that was nice while it lasted

[mlb1976]

Priority #1 is to get my head back on straight again.
Priority #2 is to get my life stable again
Priority #3 go fishing, a lot lol
priority #4 probably the hardest, tear down my walls and move on

I think she is too far gone, She is living like a rockstar right now and i cant compete with that. I have a loving home, a patient attitude, I dont drink too often or run the bars. These are the thing that are important to her and truth be told they always have been. She wants to be the center of attention, she throws tantrums when she doesnt get her way, she spews out some of the meanest things ive ever heard. Not just at me but the kids too. She let our house go so she could move in with her grandmother, who watches the kids constantly while the W is out making new "friends". I feel so bad for granny, she is almost 80, dealing with a troubled teenagre, a 5 year old boy and sometimes our 2 year old.
The only reasoning ive seen from her is "whats in it for me"

Now our relationship was hardly conventional, We had this overwhelming sense of security and trust. Beyond what you could imagine, ours was what i thought to be unconditional, I was wrong, she is a cake eater as you all put it. At this moment i want to walk up to her and hand her the D papers myself.

The car was a nice gesture, but now im back on the shitlist after she got what she wanted.

Do i really want to spend my days doing these tasks so she can blow me off on a whim. I wasnt interested in sex, just wanted some us time. She seemed so torn about that, the only thing that made sense to me is that she doesnt know how to mingle the two new lifestyles together.

I wouldnt stand for the going out nightly and not coming home.

Pain is an insidious foe, just when you have it raionalized it rears its ugly head and humbles you.

I have a date tonight, dont know if i should go on it thoughj. this woman is very sweet and she would go sbove and beyond to keep ma up beat.

I keep womdering )what if mu W called me and said come home, not likely but its still there.

do i still wantt her now?guess ill figure it out

take care guys and have a great weekend.

rollercoater you say: i love those lol

[mlb1976]

Well i guess we arent dating anymore, her exact words were "I dont know how it would work, my dad hates you for some reason"
I replied "Your dad loves you and just doesnt want to see you hurt, Its not a decision that affects him like it does You, the
children and I"
She was silent on that one then got off the phone with me, Maybe is all she ever tells me, Maybe this, maybe that, Im so tired of maybe.
Im starting to think that i may be the fall back if things dont turn out the way she wants them to, i dont know how well i like that. She has to be crazy to think that we arent great together,
We are so close, and get along so well now (other then when i start chasing) We have the right stuff and I know it.

Honestly i dealt with her infidelity, in very short order. It was something that i expected, the only shock was Knowing and not just thinking that it was the case.

She really needs to grow up and think for herself, if the decision rests on her dads shoulders then im out, no if ands or buts.

The last thing i did say was that If we wanted it bad enough that we would find a way.

what i wanted to say was if your dad cared he would want you to be happy. His main complaint with me is that im from the north and he is from the south, thats no joke.

[PortlandDad]

I feel ya mlb. No one wants to be the fall-back plan. My W even went so far as to say to me last week that she doesn't want to come home a failure. Wow. So does that mean if she would have succeeded, then she wouldn't come home at all? Nah. I don't feel like the consolation prize AT ALL.

She is still fogged out. Her decision rests with her, and she knows it. She is just looking for justification and solidarity right now. Keep working on yourself and see what happens: Not only is it a good thing to do, it is the only thing we can do.

[mlb1976]

That book im reading has some great insight, its hard to implement it being that we are used to living a certain way and expecting things.
Im trying real hard to tune out the hot/cold mood swings.

She keeps saying "i dont know how it can work". Ive sucessfully taken away all her reasons for wanting to leave me, so now i just need to wait it out i guess.

I really dont want to go dark on her. But maybe thats what she needs is a dose of life without me. Thoughts?

Im hoping things take a turn for the better on your part PD. You would think that something has to give...

ps. And i certainly would try not to overthink that comment, coming from an irrational person. Sucks to be here, but im sure glad that we met man.

[PortlandDad]

The waiting is definitely the hardest part of it all.

I think that going dark/dim just might be a good idea. Heck, I think we both need to do that. At the end of the day, all we can do is improve ourselves. If our WAS want a piece of what they lost, especially when they discover that the grass isn't quite as green on the other side of the fence, then we are in the position of deciding if we want them back or not.

I'd say that's a pretty nice place to be.

I'm glad to have met you, too. It's nice to know that we are all in this pie together and that there are people cheering your successes and mourning your setbacks. Keep on keeping on, my friend!

[mlb1976]

So be it, here's to not talking to my WAW for a couple weeks. A She-tox is what i need anyhow.

And it is definatly nice to be amongst people who understand how im feeling and whats going on.