I don't know what square. I am not in his head. But it set you back. I don't really mean in terms of your relationship to him, as much as in your strength within yourself. That's not the Renee you want to be!
Ok VH, I understand. I always am in the thinking mode of setting me back with HIM instead of setting me back with MYSELF. KWIM? I know this is ABOUT ME TOO.
Beg, I loved your last post and I totally agree with you. I did send a text first. BUT where I messed up is not letting it be at that. I am trying to take the easy road I guess by expecting him to do his part. I guess I need to get things done myself. It is just such a effort to go through this the hard way when it could be so much easier if he would cooperate. I wish so much he would just go on be happy all while being at least civil with me. Honestly does it threaten his relationship with her so much that he cant communicaate with his childs mother? I was nice to her when she answered his phoen and asked nicely to speak with him. She instead said NO YOU MAY NOT and hung up on me. She's just as bad.
S, I wish a lot of things too. I wish my life could be the way I planned. I wish my h wasnt having an affair. I wish my son wasnt hurting. But you know what? Wishing doesnt make it so.
So, its ok to wish things were different. Its ok to wish that your h could be in your life. But dont let the wishing stop you from your living your life.
Maybe someday your h could be in your life. No one really knows. But, I could promise you this, he will not want to be if you continue on the road that you are on. He will not see that you are moving forward unless you REALLY are moving forward. Not trying to, not hoping to, not doing it so he notices. But really and truly taking control of your life without thinking about him in it.
You can do it. Stop thinking about him and her for an hour, then two, then a day. Keep yourself really busy. Then you'll see, you wont have thought about him for a week, then two. I promise you, it will get better and easier. But you have to help yourself. Come on. DO IT.
(((((Donna))))) I think you are a perfect person to help Renee out! You have a great feel for where she is coming from, and her H sounds a lot like yours. I'm glad you are here!
(((((Renee))))) Listen to Donna (beginnersmind). She was "stuck" for a time, but she is on the right path now. She can help!
Renee.... I am getting the feeling you fell for the same thing many of us did when we got married. You thought you two were supposed to literally become one, and you lost your identity. A lot of us did that. It's the storybook, movie, song, TV version. But, I have come to realize it doesn't work. We should have become a unit, but we should have maintained out individuality. Together we could do things we couldn't do alone, but though combining our strengths, not limiting ourselves. There are better words, but I hope you get the idea.
Anyway, the way you stop thinking about him is by thinking about you. What do YOU want. What can YOU see yourself doing? Then live for YOU. You really will find that he occupies less space in your head as you use it for other things!
I agree with my friend, VH. I did the same thing in my marriage. I lost me. My whole life revolved around my h and my son. So, believe me when I say, I understand how you cannot possibly imagine going a day without thinking about your xh.
But I can promise you, you can. Look, as VH told you, I was stuck for a long time. I just couldnt get it. I could not detach. I would ask how over and over. Everyone would tell me what they are telling you. Focus on you and your son. Stop thinking about h and ow. Figure out what you want.
I finally realized - everyone was right. Whether I thought about him or not, contacted him or not - he was still gone. And I was wasting my life waiting for him to change.
I could continue doing that day after day, losing more of my life - or I could start living for me. If, in the future, my h turns towards me, I will decide if I want to move toward him. In the meantime, I am living my life, trying to figure out what I want.
And you know what, I am excited about it. I am not going to lie and tell you that I never get sad about my situation - because I do. But I feel it and then I try to let it go. I am too busy trying to figure out where I want my life to go. I am too busy enjoying my son and my niece and nephew. I am working on my health issues and trying to find a good job and taking a few fun classes.
It isnt easy what we are all telling you to do. I know that, really I do. But all the good people here really want what's best for you.
I am going to tell you something from my heart. I would not want to go back to the person I was or to the marriage I had for anything in the world. Really. I was lost and dependent and needy and insecure and depressed. This really was a gift.
So, dont try to think of the big picture. Dont think, how am I going to go without talking to him. How will I get over this? Tomorrow, find something to do that will make you happy. Keep as busy as you can. Try not to think about him for a little while. Then a little while more. Think about you and your son and your nephew. That's all I want you to do tomorrow. Ok?
