Need some answers from posters in this forum......

[sandi2]

Dear alexjadams, I understand everything you said in your post to me.

so sad sandi you were/are constantly looking outside of yourself to make you happy ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT!!!

How do you know that I wasn't constantly looking outside of myself for something or somebody to make me happy? I read the books such as "Happiness is a Choice" and dozens of others like that, so I know where you are coming from. I HAD to make myself happy for over 40 years! I sure couldn't depend on anybody else to do it. I found that out at a young age.

Try to look at it this way.......I bet if your wife had not slept with you in over 20 years and had not had sex with you in over (now it's been 13 years), and was not showing any affection or giving any of her time or attention to you, we would be hearing you cry out your frustrations and pain in a different song. I don't care what people do to find other ways of making themselves happy; when they are "married" to what is suppose to be another living person.....they want comanionship and intimacy. Is that not what YOU expect in a marriage relationship? I did not marry for friendship......I already had friends. But, I married for love and intimate comanionship. Of course, I wanted to raise a family and be happy with my H and grow old together. Is that not what every person dreams about?

I had been married to my H less than a month when he got up out of our bed after having sex, to watch TV until he fell asleep. That started a pattern of what would be his routine for the rest of our marriage. I use to beg him to go to bed with me so we could snuggle and talk and let that lead up to having sex, but he never went to bed with me unless he knew it was to have sex....and then he got right back up and left me laying there. I felt like a prostitute. I TRIED to know what his needs were, as I pointed out in my last post. His answer to anything that came up was always...."more sex", and yet nothing I tried ever seem to be enough. The man does not talk. It is like living with a wall! Whenever I tried to talk about our relationship, he never said anything. He mainly continued to watch TV and not even look at me. He did not respond to me. His only answer was always "more sex" and everything would be fine. However, it was his choice to stop having sex altogether. When I tried to talk to him about it......I got nowhere. He would not give me any explanation for it.

Don't you think every person wants emotional intimacy in a MR? If not, then why get M at all? If it is just physcial intimacy, then they can buy that!

I have not read your stitch, but I recogonize the tune to your writing as being a LBH who is bitter against most WAW's and have put them all in the same barrel. But don't judge all by one. Anyway, I would be almost willing to bet that if you had been the person in my shoes and in my stitch.....you would have felt differently or seen things through different eyes than the way you are looking at me now. I did everything I could think to do to bring spark and excitement and happiness into my MR. But, I felt as if I was doing all the giving and I didn't think I was asking for too much in return.....just a little meaningful conversaition......that is all I wanted! I mean, the man will come in and sit down and not say a word if I don't speak to him first.....and then it is just "hey". So, please don't make me out to be some kind of "immature" monster, b/c I don't think I am. I chose to stay with my H of 40+ years knowing that I would probably never have any type of intimacy (physical or emotional) and yes, I know that if I am going to be happy.....I will have to do it on my own. It is just a bit hard to be emotionaly intimate by yourself.

I agree that immaturity does not mean "age". But it is not the "one" pat answer for all WAW's and it certainly was not the problem in my stitch.

There have been some very harsh words come from angry, bitter, spouses on this board and it takes so much courage to come here and admit that you are/were a WAS or was almost one. I have seen bitter people run others away who were reaching out for help b/c they felt attacked. The ONLY reason I even stay around is b/c I would like to pay forward a little of what was given to me when I came. Thank God I had the right people that was willing to help me. Hopefully, I can help a few along the way. But, let me go ahead and clear up a few thing for you in case I've missed something.

when a woman expects her husband to make them happy, she will always be a WAW because only you can make you happy

I did not expect him to make me happy. I think I have established what I wanted from him, which I thought was what a marriage was mostly about. What do you think a marriage is mostly about between a man and a woman?

Sandi you let his thoughts, actions and "what he did or didn't do" affect you and your happiness

You can say that about your boss or anyone else b/c they are not people you are M to and have any intimacy with. And I agree about what you said when it comes to other people, but not when it is a marriage relationship and intimacy that is lacking. So, I beg to differ on that statement. I think you have missed the entire point that I tried very hard to make in my post. It was not his actions or lack of actions as most people think in terms of "actions"......it was no intimacy in a marriage. Don't you get that? Let me say this and I am not trying to be a jerk........but if you are past 60 years of age and you have gone over 40 years without any emotional intimacy and over 12 without any physical intimacy........then I will take to heart more of what you say. However, by your words, it does not sound as if you have been there. If you had, you would be singing a different tune.

so when you start letting life dictate your emotional state you have WAS

Is that what you think? What about people who are not married and allow life to dictate their emotional state?

it's about the way someone handle life situations

Let me tell you something sweetie, you have no idea......NO IDEA.....what life has handed me. I could spend hours telling you some of those things, but I won't put you through that--and besides, I doubt it would change your mind. You have your mind made up and I doubt I or any other AWAW could change it. You are right and all the WAW'S are wrong....period! You know it all!

To try to set straight one more thing I think you misunderstood......I DID NOT GO LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY OR SOMETHING TO MAKE ME HAPPY. As usual, I was trying to stay busy and keep myself entertained (for a lack of a better word), but........I was in a very vulnerable condition b/c I had not had any of the things a woman needs to flourish and thrive like she needs to do. Being in that condition, led to my waywardness.

do you know the definition of insanity??

That sounds rather rude and degrading from a young man, and I don't know why you find it necessary to ask that unless it was my reference to my conditiion at the time of my AWAW. I did feel that I was about to have a nervous breakdown and it scared me. I had and still do have health problems that the doctors don't seem to know what to do about. Every doctor I went to said I was way over medicated and then would write out two more prescriptions to give me on top of all I was taking. I had reached the place that my body and mind could barely function and I would start crying at any given time. I felt my neves were shot and I did not know what may happen next. So, I felt that I had no control over myself. I don't feel that I have to give you an explanation to that question---even though I tried. I just don't know why you felt it was important to ask unless it was another chance to take a jab at me. Why do you feel that you want to be angry toward all WAW'S???? (See, it makes about as much sense as you asking me if I know the definition of insanity.)

You may have heard the comparrison of a female being like a flower. If you give a flower the sunshine and water it needs.....it will bloom and become beautiful, but if you neglect it, it withers and dies. A woman is the same way. And, that is the way I felt. No amount of trying to make myself happy replaced what I needed from my husband, and if you don't "get that"......then I think you are the one immature and don't have a clue as to what marriage is all about.

Now, I came here and told about my "uglies" and owned up to what I did wrong, and I don't back down from what I know I did wrong, but neither will I back down from what I know I did try to do right and how I have worked hard for a very long time to keep from walking away from this marriage. It still is not perfect, but I am still here after all these years.


Go in peace, and I hope things will go well for you.

Sandi