This is my first post. Long story short, my husband had an EA 2 years ago. Many lies to me during that period. Got rid of the girl and was very transparent afterwards, letting me read emails, etc. This has changed in the past year and everything is password protected, secetive. I do not know if there's an EA or PA. Additionally, a bad investment has nearly (and is still) banfrupted us. This drama from the investment caused a lot of anger on my part bc it was without my knowledge.
Well my husband said in March he's sick of me nagging in addition to being continuously angry and critical regarding the past issues. I will admit I've been very resentful with its subsequent behaviors.He said he wanted divorce and I could not have another chance. I did the ususal response-grovelling, crying, begging, which pushed him away further. We are separated. For financial reasons, he's still in the house, but we're in separate rooms.
He recently took a trip with the kids without me and came back from it and said he'd give me more time to improve myself. He said I need to change. he said he's changed all he can and now it's my turn. So I'm doing the Last Resort Technigue mixed with a little Love Dare. I'm trying to not chase, avoid talking about the marriage or the future. I make lots of fun plans with my friends, stay busy, am exercising, losing weight, dressing well. In the love Dare approach, I am doing ittle things I didnt'd do before, getting him morning coffee, giving more compliments and encouraging words.
Problem is I keep backpedaling. Last night we were watching a movie and I was keeping it light, until I said " I just can't understand why wecan't sleep in the same bed." Well of course this response got me nowhere. He said if I don't understand that then I just don't get it. I immediately said goodnight and went to bed. (Don't show anger, remove yourself from upsetting situations).
My question is, am I doing the right thing? And what should I do when I backpedal and screw up? I also have a problem showing more cheerfulness when I feel such pain, and tricks with that?
Me 39 H 42 M 11, T 12 S 10,6 D 3 EZ 2005 separated since 3/10/09
Me 39 H 42 M 11, T 12 S 10,6 D 3 EA 2007 separated in same home since 3/10/09
Not sure what to tell you since I too only posted my first thread this morning.
We will all backpedal because we are only human and fear, anger, regret will make us feel like asking questions and seeking answers although we know it is counter productive. Forgive your self! When you feel these questions coming leave the room as fast as possible. Whatever you do, do not make a big deal to him about back pedalling. I think you handled it correctly.
Acting cheerful when sad? It is HARD. Maybe you can just listen to your favourite music through an earpiece or to some stand up comedy as you go about your chores. Read Archie comics! Whatever can put a smile on your face. Or just go to the nearest mirror and give a big old grin. It will make you laugh. Try green nail polish on one nail, purple on the next! You get the idea. If all else fails visualise OW having a bad bout of diarrhea without a bathroom nearby! Or without TP.
Make yourself laugh. It is hard but you are a survivor. So am I. I may get knocked down but as sure as the sun will rise I will get back up again.
Yeah, today I'm moping around the house. He keeps asking what's wrong ...but I'm not supposed to talk about the relationship. I feel like saying "YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG YOU IDIOT!" But I bite my tongue. Will be taking kids out to spend day with friends and H staying home, so I'll be cheered up when I'm with my friends.
Me 39 H 42 M 11, T 12 S 10,6 D 3 EA 2007 separated in same home since 3/10/09
Sortoff in a similar situation 2inlimbo. H had EA, don`t think PA went beyond kiss and cuddle and yeah, the problem is ME! Well, that`s what he thinks. I even had a similar recovery from you-a great reconciliation that lasted a couple of months then H getting more withdrawn, unloving, and me getting angrier and more confused. And yes, he`s convinced its all my fault. I have no friends(he said) no class(he said), we have nothing in common and he doesn`t know whether he loves me or not. Oh I could go on-and believe me it gets worse!-but its funny how these guys can screw up their marriage vows, drag us through the humiliation of an affair, attempts to break up our families... and still say its all OUR fault!
With that said, from all I`ve read, the very best thing we can do in a situation like this is to change ourselves. No not change ourselves to cut and fit into what I husbands want us to be, but to value ourselves, to care for ourselves, to ask what do I want for me out of life instead of focusing first on what everyone else wants.
I too am living separately in the same house with my H. Not an easy ticket. Since Oct(cos that`s when we split too) I`ve pretty much gone on a journey within myself.I`ve worked my way through Louise Hay`s books(love her for aspirations, and yes, they do work) Susan Jeffers, and Melanie Beattie(I definitely havea co dependency tendency). They have all helped me heal,and crucially led me to valuing me.
My self care has gone through the roof. I`m sleeping eating exercising and back on the GAL track too. I know I look good now. And I`m having more fun these past couple of months with my kids and with family and friends than I`ve had for a long time.Everything-except my relationship with H-has improved so much.
Having my nose pressed right up to the implications of separation I have decided more recently to hunt out my old copies of Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting(bought last summer when my world was falling apart). Its like I`m ready now to divorce bust. I`ve minded me first, now I`m ready to save the marriage.
I think you have to focus your efforts on you for YOU; not for your husband`s sake. Its your husband who should be working harder to have you in his life. That`s why I`m not so sure you should be doing the love dare thing with LRT. Love dare sounds to me like pursuing.
Anyway, what are the changes he`s made? He`s boing more secretive and has driven you to the point of bankruptcy. Sounds like he`s in the fantasy world of the MLCer and again, you`re not to blame for that either.
I love all you`ve achieved already. That`s all good for YOU. Its great that you have friends(boy, they can keep you going at a time like this) and a good laugh.Get going on positive affirmations about you. Draw up a vision board of what you want in life.
Forgive yourself for backpedalling. We all do that. Its a two steps forward one step back kind of game
Thanks, Fallgirl. You had some excellent insights. I too am wondering about the combination of Love Dare with LRT. It's just that I'm trying to show him I care and love him (bringing him AM coffee, making a dinner I know he likes), but I'm not pursuing him in that I don't call or text often, and am avoiding questions regarding relationships and the future (although I screwed up last night). It kills me to not ask him ?'s cuz he's so mysterious with his computer and cell protected passwords. It really is hell. I had a good day today with friends and family but then I come home to him. I can't fake the joy, I just can't do it. I can't fake being happy to see somoeone who just told me "I love you only as the mother of my children." WTF?
Me 39 H 42 M 11, T 12 S 10,6 D 3 EA 2007 separated in same home since 3/10/09
2inlimbo, could you tell me more about that Love Dare thing? My 180 is patently driving my husband crazy-and in none of the ways I wanted. He`s gotten even more aloof(even though that didn`t seem possible as he was pretty withdrawn as it is!)
It`s given me great perspective however and has made me really calm instead of being the reactive haranguing wife he`s had in the past.
And I`ve just thought today that maybe that`s what`s making him more aloof. PA people need a co dependent to express the anger they have but cannot express openly. They just love to push our buttons. I think that`s why H exploded which such bizarre behaviour last Friday(locked me out of my bedroom totally out of the blue). He`s just doing anything to get me mad and is jealous that I am actually thriving.
It would be a complete 180 for me to give him dinner tonight-and, i suspect, a bit of a Love Dare thing? I`ve refused to feed him since last November. But he`s not coping. He`s not eating properly, he looks wretched and I`m begining to think is somewhat depressed. I`m really at breaking point myself with all of this. Finding it so so so difficult to even want to stay married to him. I`m only feeding him because I hate to see him suffering.
It does sap my joy too when I see the look of contempt on his face.But I make damn sure he hears me happy-whistling in the shower(I`m a lousy whistler but you get the picture) laughing with the kids, chatting merrily on the phone.
I think PA types need us to be miserable. They need us to feel as miserable as themselves. I just have a theory that maybe, maybe we drive them to breaking point when they realise they cannot control our emotions, our lives. And maybe they need to hit that breaking point to come into a more honest relationship with us.
I don`t know, but I`ll keep you posted on how I`m doing.
Hi Fallgirl, it's a Christian based attempt to save marriage based on the movie "Fireproff". It's actually a book. Each day for 40 days you're assigned a task. Give your husband one compliment today, do something unexpected for him, congratualate him on a recent acheievement. I think you can do the LD as long as it doesn't include the needy, pursuing behavior we are taught to avoid in DR. Also, I follow the advice of DR and I do not say I love you (cuz H has said he loves me "only as the mother of his kids".)
But I think my showing confidence and GAL but at the same time doing kind gestures and offering him praise can work. This is just my theory though, and who am I? Just a chick muddling through the BS of separation like so many of us.
I think it shows a lot of confidence and self-esteem to be nice to those who treat us poorly. Taking the high road so to speak.
Hope that helps. Hubby and I had a good conversation last night, him telling me his needs and admitting some of his recent mistakes.
""""I think PA types need us to be miserable. They need us to feel as miserable as themselves. I just have a theory that maybe, maybe we drive them to breaking point when they realise they cannot control our emotions, our lives. And maybe they need to hit that breaking point to come into a more honest relationship with us.""""
Regarding your above quote, you are right. When we show them we cannot make them miserable, it upsets them. But we must break the cycle. Be strong, Fallgirl!
Me 39 H 42 M 11, T 12 S 10,6 D 3 EA 2007 separated in same home since 3/10/09
Gosh, I wish I could get to that point of me and H having a conversation 2il! I did get `thanks` for making him dinner last night. And I`m rating that as progress!
Thanks for your love dare tip and info.Tricky one. I don`t want him to think I`m pursuing him. But, on the other hand, I do get that turn the other cheek thing.
But, its been such a big change for me to be cool and unreactive and to be happy despite his moods.
And, more progress, he actually told me he`d be late home this evening AND where he would be.
I`m sticking with being unpredictable too though and trying new things. I`m off for a cycle now. Something I used to love but hadn`t done in a while.
I`m also taking a tip from Jack Three Beans and rowing back a bit on what I say to those people-two friends and two sibs-that I`ve confided in. It too hard on them to be caught up in all this drama and they need to hope that things are improving.I need to give my own head a break from it too. And leave space for that improvement to happen.
Oh, and I`m a very, very long way off from saying "I love you"!
Wishing you well, you really seem to have made a LOT of progress already!
Fallgirl, So glad you got some appreciation for your dinner last night.
I agree, I do NOT want my H to think I am pursuing him, it would boost his ego too much. On the other hand ,if I am a complete bitch, that would not serve me well in terms of repairing our M. That's why I try to do the Love Dare as well, within reason. One day of the LD proposes you write a letter to H saying how much you love him, etc. In my mind, that is not reasonable at this time, so I skipped that.
Being unpredictable is good- they don't know what to expect. Just make sure to be kind and if you can't be kind just be silent and go dark.
I get what you're saying re: friends and sibs. I've confided a lot to my Mom and she's gone and F***d everything up with her big mouth. You gotta be careful who you confide in.
Enjoy the cycling,I'm getting into running. Wishing you well...
Me 39 H 42 M 11, T 12 S 10,6 D 3 EA 2007 separated in same home since 3/10/09
I suppose the Last Resort technique can be a little confusing at times.My reading of it is that its really supposed to be about pulling back from your spouse and focussing on you. Giveing both of you space to breathe and think and not be in that unhappy dance place where you`re reacting to what spuse does all the time and are ultimately controlled by them.
So its primary aim, as I understand it is not to win them back. So maybe success with the LRT has to measured in terms of how you`re feeling about yourself and not in terms of what your spouse thinks or not.
Am I right about that? So for the past three weeks that I`ve been in LRT(and I`m told three weeks is a very short time. Sigh!) I`ve been watching H carefully for any shred of change in him. Not realising that actually, I am just fine myself. He has failed to upset me. I`ve even have had moments(brief!) where I`ve actually forgotten about the painful place our M is in!
I`m more relaxed, optimistic(though not about M) enjoying most of what life has to offer. And I`m laying off from sharing so much with the few I`ve confided in. They need to see I`m in a more peaceful place for their sakes.
I`ve started to keep a scrapbook of my journey. Little things like sheet music, theatre programmes, cinema tickets wherever I`m getting my buzz from.
I think I`ll hold off on Love Dare. It`ll put me in a spot where I`m waiting for spouse to show appreciation and he just isn t there right now.I`ve decided just to tweak my LRT by focusing on being unpredictable. So I`m played the piano this morning, f`instance,where normally I`d have left that til evening.I`m indulging myself with some new lingerie tomorrow which I`ll charge to our joint cc so he`ll know about it but won`t get to appreciate it.
