What about with the ml-break going for at least two more weeks, how to keep her thinking about it? It really eats away at me that I think aside from being sore, this is an ideal setup for her and she doesn't miss it at all. I see a lot of Mrs. Cinco in my W in this regard.
I totally agree with Bagheera on the approach you need to take. I've not been able to access your early posts - how long have you been married? Do you have kids? When did the SSM "start"?
So I'm missing a lot of the pieces. But what comes across very clearly is a mixture of resentment and passivity - not a good combination.
It seems you are great at being The Man in the outside world, but then switch off at home. The reality is that The Man cannot afford to switch off at home. He needs to be There, thinking, functioning and being. In other words - all the things you were manifesting on the campaign trail. Marriage is not a couch, not a resting place; its the crucible in which we heat up and reveal our true intimate selves - and so it exposes fear, anxiety, resentment and laziness quite mercilessly.
Here are some things you need to think about:
(1) Do you really love your wife? As in the verb love. Do you really and honestly want to spend the rest of your life with her? (Or do you simply see yourself "stuck" with her as a result of children, finances, intertia?)
(2) Do you actively desire her sexually? Enough to intitiate sex frequently, and push through her crappy excuses? Or do you give up at the first sign of disinterest and retreat into your shell?
(3) If you can't answer "Yes" to (1) and (2) then.. why should she want to have sex with you? Why should she be attracted to you sexually? Particularly in a LTR, women can sense a man's presence i.e. the degree to which he is "in" the moment with them. They can usually tell if he's half-hearted or "not that into them" and they simply don't find it attractive. That's not me spewing Mr Nice Guy platitudes, its just the way it is. And if you turn that around - it makes perfect sense - as in, the best version of yourself does not really want a woman that is not really "into" him either. Correct? So the point I'm driving at is that You need to decide deeply and honestly what you feel about your wife, and start acting in accordance with it, you need to go "all the way in" to sorting out this marriage. The alternative is year after year of the same.
(4) I haven't forgotten about your wife either. I highlighted just one paragraph of your last post - attempting to make her "think" anything, being resentful at how You "think" she feels about sex, and comparing her to other women. None of this will get you anywhere. As Bagheera says, Take The Lead. Sort out the finances in a fair and sensible way. Start doing the other things around the House that you've put off. Bring some of your dynamism into the Home and Shake Things Up. Do things that are unexpected, and without the expectation of sex built into them.
(5) Once her "sex holiday" is over, you are going to have to sit down with her and spell out what you want from this Marriage and from Her. Describe to her what You want - frequency, details. Be direct and honest. If its the case (I don't know) that this is a deal-breaker i.e. that you are willing to divorce if this marriage doesn't change, then you must state this as well. If your first instinct is that you would Not be willing to divorce over this, then you have some more thinking to do. We each have to decide how we're going to live our life, because we only get one. It has to be down to you as to how far you're prepared to go to get what you want. Think about what value you put on a proper sex life and therefore what value you put on yourself. Think about what value your wife puts on you and therefore what value she puts on her marriage.
(6) This may sound counterintuitive, but Too Much safety and security is bad - it leads to laziness and complacency. I see it as a big problem in marriages. Being told that you are strong enough to leave this marriage if it isn't what you want, may be what your wife needs to wake her up and work with you on making it what you want.
(7) To make any real progress you will also need to state a time limit to your wife, by which there will have to be substantial change in the Marriage, or you will leave. Its up to you - 6 months? Much more and it seems to lose its sense of realism.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
