Do you think they ever do realize one day just what they gave up when it comes to their kids?
I have had Zach with me virtually every day since the 13th of September 2006. He was 14 when his Mom left. He has not lived a day with her since, except for a couple brief visits at Christmas and once last summer.
She spent his first 14 years sharing the responsibility for washing his clothes, cooking his meals, taking care of him when he was sick, helping buy new clothes, taking him out to eat, going to the movies, etc.
Now? Nothing.
She calls him. She texts him. He's not very into the phone and just doesn't care to spend much time going back and forth with her. I know he loves her - she is his Mom.
Do you really think either of our ex's will ever feel bad about what they've given up?
I used to think so. I'm not so sure now.
I didn't like the comment that was made about these spouses having not changed but simply finally revealed for who they always were. I don't think it's true, mostly because I lived those 20+ years together. If it was all a lie or a ruse, I must be a complete mindless idiot.
But there are times that I do wonder if this wasn't being planned MUCH earlier than I ever knew.
You have taken the right road Mules. We will NEVER regret stepping up and choosing to play both Mom and Dad to our children. Yes, it is hard and there are times that it wears you out. But the positives we see in the faces of our kids FAR outweigh the temporary difficulties.
Again, it's stunning to me how far your wife has gone.
You, on the other hand, are being the man that your boys will never forget.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
<< But there are times that I do wonder if this wasn't being planned MUCH earlier than I ever knew. If not planned then at least intended; commitment was lacking all along.
<< I didn't like the comment that was made about these spouses having not changed but simply finally revealed for who they always were. I don't think it's true, mostly because I lived those 20+ years together. If it was all a lie or a ruse, I must be a complete mindless idiot. Have been told repeatedly that people do not change; perhaps it refers to some fundamental level of being.
<< We will NEVER regret stepping up and choosing to play both Mom and Dad to our children. Its a true gift to be given that option for 100% of the time; most men sadly will not have that option due to the legal system.
Do you think they ever do realize one day just what they gave up when it comes to their kids?
Hey Bill - so glad to hear from you! I feel like we're having a reunion!
Yes I do think they realize it. In my case she is just so bitter about the kids. She has anger and impatience and a jealousy towards them. It truly is unbelievable. She tells everyone how happy she is when she is not around, I just don't see it. It looks extremely phony to anyone that knows her.
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I have had Zach with me virtually every day since the 13th of September 2006. He was 14 when his Mom left. He has not lived a day with her since, except for a couple brief visits at Christmas and once last summer.
She spent his first 14 years sharing the responsibility for washing his clothes, cooking his meals, taking care of him when he was sick, helping buy new clothes, taking him out to eat, going to the movies, etc.
Now? Nothing.
Wow Bill. I know how hard this has been for you, but you have an incredible bond with them. It's almost impossible for the kids not to choose sides. One parent is fighting for them and staying with them. The other left and is doing incredibly painful things to them. How can they not choose sides?? As a husband I know how the betrayal and abandonment felt - I can't imagine that coming from a parent to a child.
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Do you really think either of our ex's will ever feel bad about what they've given up?
I used to think so. I'm not so sure now.
I hear you. In my mind it really depends on what is really causing the unhappiness. If they don't resolve it (and I think they are both seeking out the answer in the wrong places), then no, I don't think they will ever feel bad. They are just too wrapped up in their own world. Searching for a form of happiness that doesn't exist. There is no doubt in my mind that my STBXW is severely depressed and has an incredible form of OCD. You know, now she won't touch the dog. She doesn't want to get his hair on her. I'm sure she took great care of him while we were away!
She wont find the answers on her own. She stopped counseling and is just wrapped up in these undesirable friends. Unless they find out the truth about themselves - I don't think there is any way they look back. At least in my sitch I have heard her say too many things, even in family therapy, that tells me this is all about her happiness and how nobody else matters, not even her kids. Sick.
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I didn't like the comment that was made about these spouses having not changed but simply finally revealed for who they always were. I don't think it's true, mostly because I lived those 20+ years together. If it was all a lie or a ruse, I must be a complete mindless idiot.
But there are times that I do wonder if this wasn't being planned MUCH earlier than I ever knew.
Very good point. I know exactly how you feel. We were too close for me not to see it. And one of the things she used to tell her friends about me is that she could be herself with me and that I loved her for who she truly was. So I just can't buy there wasn't some type of massive change. She looks different, she sounds different, she thinks different. She changed. Her attitude towards the kids has changed. I'm comfortable that I did everything within reason to support her. Once I stopped because of the neglect of the kids- I became her problem. I can put my head on the pillow at night.
I made some mistakes during this, but I know the reasons why and I know my heart was always in the right place. I can no longer look at her and feel any kind of compassion. Not after the last few months. I will work through that. I am taking a "parenting apart" class that helps me deal with things like that.
Quote:
You have taken the right road Mules. We will NEVER regret stepping up and choosing to play both Mom and Dad to our children. Yes, it is hard and there are times that it wears you out. But the positives we see in the faces of our kids FAR outweigh the temporary difficulties.
Again, it's stunning to me how far your wife has gone.
You, on the other hand, are being the man that your boys will never forget.
Thank you very much Bill. Your words have been a big help to me all along and sometimes a little spooky in their accuracy.
I'll never regret this decision. No way. I have also been able to move past the second guessing of myself. I am in a great place and have reconnected with so many family members and friends. I am ready to move forward with strength and honor. The tough times are coming to an end, and the tough people are still standing - core values intact.
Last edited by mulesqb; 04/28/0907:45 PM.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Its a true gift to be given that option for 100% of the time; most men sadly will not have that option due to the legal system.
This is so true. The odds are so stacked against men. It is truly unfair. A bad parent is a bad parent, doesn't matter whether they are male or female, because both sides have representation. There has got to be a better way to find what's really best for the kids. I was lucky. My STBXW didn't want them. I like to believe that part of my DBing -which was letting go of the rope and focusing on the kids- led her to at least figure out they were better off with me. But then again - that's a perfect world. The reality is that they were just in her way to being this new free and independent person.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Hey Puppy - That makes it a lot easier to let her go though, right? She no longer resembles the woman you married or knew. Mine is just plain nasty and bitter - tough to be around.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I never thought of it that way, but I guess you're right. You know one of my prayers was always "Lord, either reconcile us or take away my love for her, because this hurts too much." Maybe the "looks/acts different" thing is one of the ways He does that?
I never thought of it that way, but I guess you're right. You know one of my prayers was always "Lord, either reconcile us or take away my love for her, because this hurts too much." Maybe the "looks/acts different" thing is one of the ways He does that?
Puppy
You and I will have to be teammates at the Myrtle Beach outing! I prayed for the exact same thing, for the exact same reason.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
You and I will have to be teammates at the Myrtle Beach outing! I prayed for the exact same thing, for the exact same reason.
Just hope Mules is a better golfer than whiffle ball player.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
