Mulesqb - A Day in Court

[mulesqb]

Unbelievable. It's the only word I can think of.

Do you think they ever do realize one day just what they gave up when it comes to their kids?

Hey Bill - so glad to hear from you! I feel like we're having a reunion!

Yes I do think they realize it. In my case she is just so bitter about the kids. She has anger and impatience and a jealousy towards them. It truly is unbelievable. She tells everyone how happy she is when she is not around, I just don't see it. It looks extremely phony to anyone that knows her.

I have had Zach with me virtually every day since the 13th of September 2006. He was 14 when his Mom left. He has not lived a day with her since, except for a couple brief visits at Christmas and once last summer.

She spent his first 14 years sharing the responsibility for washing his clothes, cooking his meals, taking care of him when he was sick, helping buy new clothes, taking him out to eat, going to the movies, etc.

Now? Nothing.

Wow Bill. I know how hard this has been for you, but you have an incredible bond with them. It's almost impossible for the kids not to choose sides. One parent is fighting for them and staying with them. The other left and is doing incredibly painful things to them. How can they not choose sides?? As a husband I know how the betrayal and abandonment felt - I can't imagine that coming from a parent to a child.

Do you really think either of our ex's will ever feel bad about what they've given up?

I used to think so. I'm not so sure now.

I hear you. In my mind it really depends on what is really causing the unhappiness. If they don't resolve it (and I think they are both seeking out the answer in the wrong places), then no, I don't think they will ever feel bad. They are just too wrapped up in their own world. Searching for a form of happiness that doesn't exist. There is no doubt in my mind that my STBXW is severely depressed and has an incredible form of OCD. You know, now she won't touch the dog. She doesn't want to get his hair on her. I'm sure she took great care of him while we were away!

She wont find the answers on her own. She stopped counseling and is just wrapped up in these undesirable friends. Unless they find out the truth about themselves - I don't think there is any way they look back. At least in my sitch I have heard her say too many things, even in family therapy, that tells me this is all about her happiness and how nobody else matters, not even her kids. Sick.

I didn't like the comment that was made about these spouses having not changed but simply finally revealed for who they always were. I don't think it's true, mostly because I lived those 20+ years together. If it was all a lie or a ruse, I must be a complete mindless idiot.


But there are times that I do wonder if this wasn't being planned MUCH earlier than I ever knew.

Very good point. I know exactly how you feel. We were too close for me not to see it. And one of the things she used to tell her friends about me is that she could be herself with me and that I loved her for who she truly was. So I just can't buy there wasn't some type of massive change. She looks different, she sounds different, she thinks different. She changed. Her attitude towards the kids has changed. I'm comfortable that I did everything within reason to support her. Once I stopped because of the neglect of the kids- I became her problem. I can put my head on the pillow at night.

I made some mistakes during this, but I know the reasons why and I know my heart was always in the right place. I can no longer look at her and feel any kind of compassion. Not after the last few months. I will work through that. I am taking a "parenting apart" class that helps me deal with things like that.

You have taken the right road Mules. We will NEVER regret stepping up and choosing to play both Mom and Dad to our children. Yes, it is hard and there are times that it wears you out. But the positives we see in the faces of our kids FAR outweigh the temporary difficulties.


Again, it's stunning to me how far your wife has gone.


You, on the other hand, are being the man that your boys will never forget.

Thank you very much Bill. Your words have been a big help to me all along and sometimes a little spooky in their accuracy.

I'll never regret this decision. No way. I have also been able to move past the second guessing of myself. I am in a great place and have reconnected with so many family members and friends. I am ready to move forward with strength and honor. The tough times are coming to an end, and the tough people are still standing - core values intact.