I'm a big talker too, but you can do it. You were doing really well, and I think your H pulled you right back in. You need to stop the R talk; I know you know that. If I can do this, you can, no excuses.
What they say doesn't really matter, it's their actions. And I don't think any of them do know why they do it--they certainly don't do logical, rational thinking or they wouldn't be doing that kind of stuff.
I think I pulled myself back in, not him. I was actually doing pretty good and will return to that. Sometimes I wonder if its good to turn the lights on for a bit then go dark again. But I really am looking for actions b/c H has done a lot of talking and this back and forth has been going on way to long. And I KNOW it has gone on so long because I haven't put my foot down and made demands. So I trying to sst standards too.
H said today that we should be able to talk but I did tell H though that I don't really want to be his friend. It's either all or nothing. So I'm back to doing me. I think he would just love for us to start back being good friends so he could still have contact with me. But no. I won't do it, I promise. It would hurt too much to be his friend.
So I have been thinking and reflecting today and a revelation came to me... I realized that given my H's history of the back and forths with OW, my H has always chosen to want to be with me. In 2005, when he told me about his son, like a little chicken he left for about 5 weeks and then came back hoem. Then a few months later in 2006, when he continued seeing OW, I moved out to a different town and about 3-4 weeks later H followed me and was there. So I think there is a good chance that H will come back home. BUT, and a big but, what is consistent in all those times is that H wanted to come back and have me as his wife but still carry on with OW on the side. Also, I realized that I have never really made H chose that if he wants to be with me there is no way whatsoever he's also with OW. I think I have allowed my sitch to continue because I have not made it a requirement that H chose. I know it sounds crazy but my revelation today was that not that I need to worry about whether H will be back, its very likely that he will, but I need to concentrate on how he will be back. I need to really set some boundaries and standards here. H will want to come back to play to same old game. I need to say this time NO, it's either me or her. End of story.
Then another realization, which will make my sitch even harder to reconcile. H says that he will need to contact OW to check on his son, which is true. But I strongly beleive H and OW cannot be friends for our marriage to work. Marriage is hard enough as it is and H, nor I, should be friends with anyone who is against our M and will be feeding him bad thoughts about me. So really one of my demands is no friendship with OW. But how to have this with H having a child with OW? Very sticky situation.
Yes, it does sound like your H bounces back and forth. Being brutally honest here, but why shouldn't he? He has both you and OW ready, willing and able. Sure one or both of you may put up a fuss for awhile but he knows eventually he will wear you down. So, now that you know past history...what are you going to do different this time if/when he comes back? Verbal ultimatums wouldn't be enough for me this time. Also, how many times will you take him back?
The child will always be between them and it is sticky but manageable.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
What I am going to do differently this time? Good question. And something I am truly struggling with because I don't want to keep going down this road over and over. I know that many people carry on this type of lifestyle for years and years, and its definitely not what I want for myself. It's just too demoralizing. I totally agree that words, promises, and verbal ultimatums aren't enough. Although, I think a verbal ultimatum will be a start for me - meaning that I truly set my standards and stick to it that its either one of us period. I think that although I haven't been at all happy with the situation, I have gone along with it all the while still working hard to maintain the M (probably doing all the work). So I don't want to sell myself short anymore. Truth of the matter, I think that this will be something I struggle with if H and I get back together - how to not worry that he will ping pong again. What should I be requiring? What else is there other than the verbal ultimatum? Other than requiring very limited open contact with him and OW? Throughout the whole ping pong, H has maintained close contact with OW so I know this would be one change.
Sometimes I feel so lost and hopeless with all this.
I would think that anything less than absolutely NO contact would be setting yourself up for more heartache. "No contact means no contact," and a bullet-proof transparency plan, would be what you should require.
Pup, but isn't the total no contact thing impossible given that the child is involved. H loves his son and anything other than having him involved and knowing about the welfare of his son would seem to be not workable either. How do divorce parents do it? Thoughts please. Thx.
I don't know. That question is currently floating on another thread as well. I just don't know. I just know that, physiologically, the "love" endorphines kick back in every time there's contact, and that's a problem.
Let them communicate via email or maybe a third party. There are ways and if he wants it bad enough he will do it.
I only say what are you going to do different as I have been down this road with my now exh. He knew I would come back over and over with a bit of convincing. Now he knows I am dead serious and his life is sprialing out of control.
Lay out your demands and let him jump to them.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Alrighty. I agree b/c even I experience it when I'm in contact with H so I do agree that no contact is the best bet. Not really sure how to do this though with H having the child with OW. I will definitely need God's guidance with this one.
