My perception is that I'm the only one changing, or even putting an ounce of effort in to self-reflection.
My communication to W was that we still needed to figure out ourselves before we could work on resolving the M issues. Yes, I did it in a very confident way without caving in to her demands for details.
W has suggested a few times that it wasn't just me, but seems surprised that I would/could have anything to point out that she could have done wrong other than perhaps enabling my gradual sink into a low self-esteem. She expressed concern that when I went to an IC to address my workplace setbacks that hurt my confidence, that the IC should've fixed me --- but the IC was only to address the workplace situation, nothing to do with its impact on the family and M.
Throughout our M I am the one who changes based on her input. After years of her making choices, I let her, which I now know from NMMNG demonstrates lack of confidence and leadership simply for the purpose of playing nice because I was raised with 'a happy wife makes a happy life' without the understanding that it was about letting her have her way on everything, it's about balance... which honestly I didn't do during the last few years and it put to much pressure on W to be the family's cruise director and chef.
She pointed out that I am always critical of her hair and dress, and yet my memory (granted, it's my perception) tells me that I only made comment when she asked me for input and I can count my 'constructive criticism' on two hands in the last ten years. In fact, I frequently complimented her on her dress and her beauty.
She tells me 'This is not the life I wanted, I didn't want the white picket fence.', and blames me for creating an 8-to-5 lifestyle with a house. Yet, I supported her in full in going after her lifelong dream of going to law school and becoming a lawyer -- which has the requirement to remain rooted in the state that she passes the bar within. This tells me she at least participated in the choice of the 8-to-5 lifestyle that she is blaming me for now.
I don't find happiness in her getting mad, I was excited to see her finally expressing some emotion and standing up for herself, too.
I specifically stated that I'm not telling her what to do, just how I feel, and that I'm still working on improving me - which I felt was a prerequisite to identifying what went wrong with us. Yes, I did say that the easy way out is for us to simply go our separate ways, but that I wanted to work hard to learn and grow in hopes that it helps us.
I understand that I cannot 'see the forest for the trees' from my perspective, but I don't really see how I was controlling in the marriage and in this conversation.
My perception is that I stood up for myself, she didn't like that she could manipulate me or convince me she has acted appropriately, and is taking the easy way out by pointing the finger at me and making rash decisions to run away.
