Hi, this is my first post ever but I have been reading the BB for a few weeks. Thanks to all for your help.
A bit of my history: married 12 y, 1 D age 4. I am 37, he is 42. We had been having problems for 5 years but he always said there was no one else and all was a communication issue. Went to MC, retreats, the whole thing... Better for a while, then more of the same.
In Nov 2002 I got a card from his office manager (50, divorced, 6 children and 7 grandchildren)saying that they were in love and I was damaging my D by not agreeing to a divorce. I was devastated. Confronted him and he denied. He said she was crazy and was trying to destroy our marriage and not to worry: he'd fire her. In Dec he said that she would not be back after Christmas. In Jan, he says she is in OK and he is looking for someone to work for him. In Feb she's still there because he has not found a replacement. In March his mail started to be forwarded from our home to hers. I confronted him, he got angry and threatened to leave. I said "it is probably the best" and he left. Ostensibly he was going to live in his office but he was not there at 3 am more than once.
We were separated but he came home often to see our Dtr and go out with us. Had the gall to give me a wedding band for my birthday (3 days after the S) and to say he loved me. We even started MC again and for 2 months he denied any R with OW to me and the C. He just kept saying he could not get rid of his office manager and obscurely threatened legal consecuences. At the end of April he said he had fired her.
May 7 I went to his office and found her there. I asked her why she was there if she was fired and she told me that they were engaged and just waiting for the divorce to be final. I said what divorce? We talked all night. In summary: they had had an A for 5 years and she did not know he was married the first year. Since then she had thought we were getting a D but I was being difficult. He had moved in with her in March but had left in a rage in Easter. They had not had a PR since, but they worked together. Apparently I had more sex with my H than her.
I went to a lawyer the following day and filed for D. I confronted him that Sunday and fully expected to be D'd within 2 months (naive me). He admitted the A but said it was not important, that he loved me and all he wanted was for me to wait 2 days before serving him.
I went in the rollercoaster and he was there. Would be available on the phone at 4 am for long, reproachful talks. Kept up with all the anguish. Agreed to D terms that I asked for. Said it was over with OW (and I do believe they did not have sex). BUT HE DID NOT STOP WORKING WITH HER OR CALLING HER.
After 2 horrible weeks I was much better. We were polite to each other and were together much more often than since 1997. He kept saing she'd be gone in 2 weeks but the 2 weeks never came. I talked to her and she says that he behaves like nothing has happened between the 2 of them but no PR. I gave him an ultimatum: either she is gone or its over. He brought me back his keys and garage opener. I stopped all contact and he started hounding me: would call 8 or 9 times, page me, show up and ring the door bell... I finally started talking to him again. We were back to 'roommates that do not live together'
In August 8 he went on vacation with our Dtr to think things over. Called me several times everyday and asked me to go with them. I discovered DR then and read it and DB and a great book called "Breaking Apart: A memoir of divorce" that should be compulsory for everyone wanting to divorce. I decided that I did not want a D, was not going to do his dirty work for him and to give DB'ng a try.
We came back from vacation Aug 17 and he staid home. I was nice and he would respond. I had occasional relapses but mild and things were better. She was working with her but would be home early and we'd spend hours together.
But he has been a bit more distant lately and tonight it is 9:25 pm and he is not back home. I had called him at 5:30 pm when I finished work and he said he still had some stuff to do and would call me when done. I very much fear he is with her and do not know what to do. We were supposed to go to AZ for the weekend... I am writing this post to avoid paging him and giving him hell.
I do not understand anything. He says he does not want a D. He says he loves me but cannot get rid of OW. He does little things to help me (calls sometimes from work, leaves cell phone open occassionally...) but not the NC that I need to start healing (or stop worsening the wound).
Any ideas?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Quote: I do not understand anything. He says he does not want a D. He says he loves me but cannot get rid of OW. He does little things to help me (calls sometimes from work, leaves cell phone open occassionally...) but not the NC that I need to start healing (or stop worsening the wound).
why can he not get rid of ow?
are you trying to believe that they had a r for 5 years...the first of wich she did not know about you...they've lived together...supposedly been engaged...and they've not been physcial?
what to do is ultimately up to you... can you live with this ow as a constant part of your life?
Thank you for your response. I think you misunderstood me. I know they had a PR on and off for years. They stopped in Easter but they obviously continue having an emotional one (or he would dump her).
As to the other question: no. I will not live or submit my dtr to living with a three way R.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I don't have any adivie for you but I do remember reading in Conways's book, Men in Midlife Crisis, that it is very hard for the men to disengage from the affair. They have a hard time huting the OW for some dumb reason. They sure don't have a hard time hurting their wives. but anyway, my point is that this is probably not usch unusual behavior. Maybe if, with your c, you talk about that issue directly (why it is difficult for him to leave her) you may be able to get him past it so that he can make the break.
Hello everybody, I am back. We did go to AZ for the weekend and things were better (though I had to practice a lot of thought-stopping).
Though we nearly didn't go: H came back at 10 pm on Thursday and I was really nice and understanding, but on Friday I was watching him like a hawk. He got mad and snapped at me with a "this cannot go on". Instead of begging or backing off I calmly agreed that he was right. It could not go on while she is there and I did not want to go back to how we were. So I said I would go to AZ (it was a bussiness trip for me) and expected him to leave when I came back. Then our D and I left for carpool. I had not gotten down to the main road when he paged me and I was just at the school (5 minutes away from home) when he called my cell phone to ask what I was going to do with the dog (we had planned on leaving him at the vet while we were out). I said 'it depends, if you stay I will leave him home'. The upshot of it is he agreed to come and even called later to say he was sorry. I chose to see it as a small step forward.
I do not know what she is giving him. My SIL thinks she is a manipulative b**** that wants him to provide for her and her family. I think it may be that he feels she needs him (both her and her daughters work for him) or that he cannot confront her. Her has always had a problem with confrontation, especially confronting women. He says OK, then simmers and resents. I used to joke that if he were a woman he'd be a whore because he cannot say no. I am quite happy that he actually confronts me now when he does not like something.
I have done a bunch of things and they have helped. I do not complain or nag or tell him what to do... My goal is to get rid of her before Xmas. if at all possible
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I think I have to do some major work on myself first. My H just called to say he was not coming to a staff meeting and give me details on what he is doing this evening and the first thing I think is 'is he lying?' and then I ask him to keep his cell phone open. Instead of being smart and thanking him for letting me know. I NEED TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!!!
Sorry, just venting.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I still need a lot of work on myself. He is making efforts but I find it impossible to trust him. Yesterday he came home late but he called me twice to tell me where he was. And this morning he left at 5:30 am to work because we are going kayaking from 6:30 to 9 pm. I cannot keep myself from thinking he is going to the OW for breakfast... So I came to the BB to avoid paging him and hounding him.
What do you guys think? Should I talk to him? I always set the place and time for our talks, so I thought to tell him that I needed to talk to him and when would be the best time for him. Also my plan was to state calmly that I could not start healing while that woman is working for him, that I understood it is difficult for him to fire her and stop all contact and how does he think we can find a way around this.
Any thoughts? I know I will lose him if I cannot work this out. And I do not want to live again with the 'where is he? Is it true?' worry. It was much easier when he did not live here: at times I did not care and others it felt like I was the OW (the lover, the pursued one ...)
One good thing: our sex life is better that had been in years.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
8/7/03 my H told me he loved me but wasn't sure if he is in love with me. Now it is 1 week and a day since he told me he is in love with OW and she is pregnant. So many feelings. Trying to let him wake up. He seems very confused. I try to listen to him, not crowd him. Very hard not to wonder every minute he's gone what he's doing. He just left on a business trip and will be back tomorrow night. I'm so jealous right now. My heart hurts!
But I do agree with you and I have no clue why, but we are having the best sex life we have ever had. We keep saying we should stop until he figures out his life, but we can't seem to do that. Go figure ...
...)