Am I stupid or do we have a chance?

[optimist]

Hi, this is my first post ever but I have been reading the BB for a few weeks. Thanks to all for your help.

A bit of my history: married 12 y, 1 D age 4. I am 37, he is 42. We had been having problems for 5 years but he always said there was no one else and all was a communication issue. Went to MC, retreats, the whole thing... Better for a while, then more of the same.

In Nov 2002 I got a card from his office manager (50, divorced, 6 children and 7 grandchildren)saying that they were in love and I was damaging my D by not agreeing to a divorce. I was devastated. Confronted him and he denied. He said she was crazy and was trying to destroy our marriage and not to worry: he'd fire her. In Dec he said that she would not be back after Christmas. In Jan, he says she is in OK and he is looking for someone to work for him. In Feb she's still there because he has not found a replacement. In March his mail started to be forwarded from our home to hers. I confronted him, he got angry and threatened to leave. I said "it is probably the best" and he left. Ostensibly he was going to live in his office but he was not there at 3 am more than once.

We were separated but he came home often to see our Dtr and go out with us. Had the gall to give me a wedding band for my birthday (3 days after the S) and to say he loved me. We even started MC again and for 2 months he denied any R with OW to me and the C. He just kept saying he could not get rid of his office manager and obscurely threatened legal consecuences. At the end of April he said he had fired her.

May 7 I went to his office and found her there. I asked her why she was there if she was fired and she told me that they were engaged and just waiting for the divorce to be final. I said what divorce? We talked all night. In summary: they had had an A for 5 years and she did not know he was married the first year. Since then she had thought we were getting a D but I was being difficult. He had moved in with her in March but had left in a rage in Easter. They had not had a PR since, but they worked together. Apparently I had more sex with my H than her.

I went to a lawyer the following day and filed for D. I confronted him that Sunday and fully expected to be D'd within 2 months (naive me). He admitted the A but said it was not important, that he loved me and all he wanted was for me to wait 2 days before serving him.

I went in the rollercoaster and he was there. Would be available on the phone at 4 am for long, reproachful talks. Kept up with all the anguish. Agreed to D terms that I asked for. Said it was over with OW (and I do believe they did not have sex). BUT HE DID NOT STOP WORKING WITH HER OR CALLING HER.

After 2 horrible weeks I was much better. We were polite to each other and were together much more often than since 1997. He kept saing she'd be gone in 2 weeks but the 2 weeks never came. I talked to her and she says that he behaves like nothing has happened between the 2 of them but no PR. I gave him an ultimatum: either she is gone or its over. He brought me back his keys and garage opener. I stopped all contact and he started hounding me: would call 8 or 9 times, page me, show up and ring the door bell... I finally started talking to him again. We were back to 'roommates that do not live together'

In August 8 he went on vacation with our Dtr to think things over. Called me several times everyday and asked me to go with them. I discovered DR then and read it and DB and a great book called "Breaking Apart: A memoir of divorce" that should be compulsory for everyone wanting to divorce. I decided that I did not want a D, was not going to do his dirty work for him and to give DB'ng a try.

We came back from vacation Aug 17 and he staid home. I was nice and he would respond. I had occasional relapses but mild and things were better. She was working with her but would be home early and we'd spend hours together.

But he has been a bit more distant lately and tonight it is 9:25 pm and he is not back home. I had called him at 5:30 pm when I finished work and he said he still had some stuff to do and would call me when done. I very much fear he is with her and do not know what to do. We were supposed to go to AZ for the weekend... I am writing this post to avoid paging him and giving him hell.

I do not understand anything. He says he does not want a D. He says he loves me but cannot get rid of OW. He does little things to help me (calls sometimes from work, leaves cell phone open occassionally...) but not the NC that I need to start healing (or stop worsening the wound).

Any ideas?