I want to record some thoughts on my sitch, so using the forum to document them, and work on myself. I am looking for feedback and support, so please feel free to PM me, or comment as I work on this.
About Me: 39 years old, about to hit 40 in one month, Been with my wife for 15 years now, but only legally married for 4 years. My situation seems to mirror a lot of what is written about, I thought we had a good relationship, but had blinders on, about 3 years ago, my wifes Mother became ill with Cancer, and passed away last year. Her father had passed on when she was 9, and she doesn't have any other family in the area.
We have a lovely 8 year old daughter, and W has 2 older boys, 18 and 17 from an earlier marriage, that are my stepsons.
During the last 3 years, she has become distant and withdrawn from our relationship. Looking back, I sensed that something was occuring, and did all the WRONG things, trying to 'force' intimacy, but just smothering her, I see that now, but couldnt then. I can't go back and fix this, I can only acknowledge what I did wrong, and try not to do that again.
About a year ago, it all started coming apart fully, 6 months ago, our physical contact ended, not even hugs or kisses, etc. She had said I had been emotionally and verbally abusive to her through our entire relationship. I see now that I had been. That is a tough pill to swallow. How does one get to the point where they so deeply hurt the person they love in this world the most? That comes from my own insecurities, and issues.
We have been in counseling for about 7 months, and I still can not get out of the circle of insecurities/jealousy/anger/resentment, etc.
Last Sunday the final bombshell dropped, and she said it was over, with no hope for ever being more than friends, and that I had ruined anything left for her about feelings for me, and she wanted to move on before she just had nothing but hate for me.
She says she is in a different place now, and that I will never be able to be in that same place with her, even if I started now, she will have moved beyond where I will be.
I am calling the above, day 0, and it is, without a doubt, the worst day I have ever had. I took to the road for a few hours, stopped and commiserated with my parents, tried to come to grips with things, analyze what was/had happened.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
