Hello everyone First of all im new to this and forums all together so.... Here is whats going on with me... Been married 4 years this june and have a D3... W drops the bomb on me friday that she is done. She has been out of town for 4 months training for a new job. We have had three visits with eachother since she left all have been great as far as i knew... We got married at first because she got pregnant with our daughter, i know some people dont believe that is a reason to initially get married but we felt it was the right thing. The begining of our marriage was really rocky due to my own fault I was really distant, always second guessing me getting married, at some point i competely withdrew. We got past that some how but im sure we did not solve that problem in the long run. anyways, the next couple of years was a up and down hill battle we would have our good times and then have a really bad times. Our main problem i believe was that we actually didnt do anything to solve our problems the right way we just went on brushing stuff aside... anyways we both have done all the wrong things, typical stuff she wants something, she is not happy of the results so she starts complaining about everything and i stop listening all together, then she stops and i think everything is ok, we worked it out... You know there would always be random comments but no real complaining. So Friday i was caught completly off guard. She tells me that there is no way she can keep trying and that she has been thinking about this for months (now that i know about it she has been thinking about the same time she quit complaining, and about the same time she went out of town). She explains to me what her problems with me were...not helping around the house, doing things my way, not listening to her, etc. But this time she finally lets it out In a way i have never heard before and i completly understand what she wants now but she says its to late. She says she knows she doesnt want to give it another chance. So needless to say when she told me i freaked out and did all the wrong things begged, pleaded, tried to compromise, etc. I did tell her by the end the conversation that i would give her what she wanted and that i would be ok. Sat didnt go much better we didnt talk much messed up that day too though by calling a couple of times. 1 or 2 times was for legit stuff but the other times was just trying to call her and feel her out. Sunday morning i talked to her. She called me early and was crying saying she was sorry she didnt want to hurt me but she feels there is no other option. i talk to her and i tell her she is right i have messed up and and that i should have been a better husband. I say to her that i think deep down she doesnt really want to do this and she says of course she wanted it to work but that she believes its just not going to change and she needs to go be happy without me. i thought the conversation ended alright didnt ask her to come back but did tell her i was going to see a counsler even if its by myself and i made the mistake to say i was going to change but i told I needed to change anyways wether i was with her or not...then sunday afternoon i got weak couldnt take it anymore called her in the afternoon begged and pleaded again went as expected she got irritated and still the whole "there is nothing that can be done stop giving yourself false hope."
Post is way to long need to start another one give those who are reading a little break lol. Sorry for the grammar and spelling writing is not really my thing.
So... sunday's conversation ended horrible but did get a goodnight text from her later that night.
Today stuck to my guns didnt call her or text her like we normally do in the mornings. Got a text from her though. Convo went like this:
W: "Good morning"
Me: "Good morning"
Me: "Thank you for that"
W: "Of course"
W: "How r u"
Me: "ok i guess... you?"
W: "Same." tells me she is not carpooling today which makes a better morning
Me: "that's good"
Me: "Just so you know if you want to talk about anything I'm more than willing to listen I won't try and change your mind but i would like to be there for you"
W: "Thank u. I dont even know what to say, but i appreciate ur attitude about all this"
Me: "well when you do know what to say I'm here to listen and give you all the support that you need"
Me: "but this is still not what i want but i am here for you"
W: "all i can say is thank you"
Me: "your welcome"
10 minutes later... She texts me and says her friend is going through a really hard time with her husband and she might need my help cause her friends husband was acting crazy and that her friend might need me to protect her.
Me: "Ok just tell her if she needs anything ill help her out"
Not sure how to judge how well i did DBing. (critisim welcome need to get better at it)
that was the extent of our contact today.
I dont know what to do? went today and picked up DB and DR started reading DR about 1/4 of the way through it. Need help i feel so lost and hopeless but at the same time im trying to be optimstic and positive. I love my wife very much even through all the things in the past, and she claims to love me. I dont want my D to have to go through what i or my wife went through as a kid. I know we will both be loving and everything to my D but I dont believe that we have reached any point that this has to be it and that our only option is to go through with a Divorce and put my D3 through this. Also, because of my career i could be relocated at any moment due to the needs of my employers.
On a better note though i do feel a little better today than i have all weekend I feel little more positive after I started reading DR and the posts. And i would like to thank everyone even though your advice is not specifically directed at me it has inspired me to be positive and stay hopeful
Any advice i can get from anyone would be greatly appreciated i want this to work so bad my family means everything to me. thank you in advance for your help.
ammo, I definitely feel your pain. I M my W for the same reason; it wasn't paradise either, but life got a lot better. First thing: keep reading DR and start DBing, cuz up until now, you haven't been. Second, prepare for a long slug. Your roller-coaster ride is just starting. You are going to have good and bad days; be read for that, too. Don't jump up on cloud nine when you have a good day, and don't go jumping off a cliff after the first bad one. Your M didn't get where it is quickly, and it won't be fixed quickly either.
Keep that PMA going and be positive. Work on yourself and try to spend time with your D. Do your 180s! Very important!
Keep posting here and hopefully you will get some more advice from some of the vets (I've been separated since November and I don't consider myself a vet yet!) Just remember to be patient and take each day as it comes and don't get discouraged!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Ok... I feel a little better now after shaving head and taking shower(had a few mins to give myself a little pep talk)
Still nothing since yesterday mornnig from wife fighting the urge to be nice and loving by sending her a good morning text NEED TO STICK TO MY GUNS! DONT DO IT!
I think today im going to do one of the things my W says that i slack on and thats follow thru. We have been talking about putting up a playground for my daughter in our backyard for months. So im going to start putting that in today after work. Need to finish reading DR as well.
D3 said some upsetting things last night (not on purpose she is 3 and doesnt understand or really know yet) She made a couple of comments implying we were going to all be together when mommie comes home. broke my heart... I wish she didnt need to go through this.
Speaking of her she just woke up time to put on the happy face.
I too am new to this. You can read my post and see. In the beginning you definitely feel physically ill. I threw up for two weeks straight, didn''t eat, lost about 10 pounds, cried most of the day even in my office. Some nights I only slept one hours and got up and went to work. But this too will pass. See a doc and get your blood pressure etc checked out. There are pills that they can give you to calm your nerves a little. I got some but never took them. Don't know if you are the praying type but it helps to calm yyour nerves and get rid of some of the anger.
Make sure you exercise and eat well even if you don't feel like it. You don't see her falling apart , do you? My dear H keeps eating well right in front of my face and has not missed a meal since he dropped the bomb. You have to take care of you. You have your daughter to take care of. I wish I had one.
DO NOT CALL OR TEXT YOUR W. I cannot repeat this enough although I am not an expert. If there is one mistake I wished I had not made when I found out was the constant pursuing. Read my thread and you'll see what I mean. I don't know how to link you so hopefully you can find it.
Ammo, I see that you are a very young couple, both of you probably are envious of those around you during those tough times having a great time, while you two were stuck with grown up responsibilities.
This is going to be tough, but you are off to a great start by reading and FOLLOWING the books. It is time to do those things for yourself that will make you a better man. The playground is great! Get it done. I started to help around the house more, little things that she will notice.
When will she come back, or is she moving out? Do not ask her if you do not know. Do you work out? What other things can you do to make yourself better?
Remember this is for yourself, like you told her, whether or not you two are going to be together or not, this will make you a better person. If she notices and likes it, it is just a byproduct, a good one at that.
I actually thank my wife now, that we are together for putting me through what she put me through, because without her doing so, I would not be the man, husband and father I am today.
Hang in there, what are we going to do for 180's? and when is she coming back? And this may sound rough, but is it possible that she has met someone in these 4 months?
First of all I am 99% sure there is not an OP. I say 99% because i guess there is always a chance but contrary to what my wife believes i trust her and i do believe that if there was she would tell me about it, no doubt.
She is suppose to come back in a couple of weeks but i do know that she has looked at a couple of apartments online. Wether she is leaving right away or not i dont know, she has already said there is no point in us staying in the same house if she knows there is no chance to make this work.
As far as working out I use to was for awhile sustained an injury and couldnt for a couple of months i have finally been cleared from the doc to resume activity but finding it really hard now to get motivated or even make myself do it. I know i need to.
As far as the 180's im not sure i know what I do that she doesnt like doesnt like but most of that she cannot see cause shes not here. I dont know im open for suggestions.
Don't we owe it to the child to see if it can work out, not saying it will but can we at least go to Marriage Counciling? This is the next time SHE brings something up about R. Stop the texting, let her do it first, and always end the conversation first. Tell you have to go to meet some friends, or you and D are going to the park. Busy, busy, busy. No woman likes a desperate, pursuing, pressuring, man. It is very unattractive. They like men that have it together, and you need to get it together if you truly want this thing to workout. So buck up, are you ready to work, or are we gonna lay around and cry about it while we watch this thing go in the toilet?
