Do you mean from the exposed spouse, or from those in your support group to whom you exposed the affair?
If you mean the former, then my advice is "Hunker down and let 'er blow" for a bit, because it eventually dies down.
Junkies don't like it much when you mess with their stash. But they usually get over it, and -- hopefully -- someday see the truth that you had to separate the addict from the source of their addiction, by whatever reasonable means possible.
I think it is killing her that it is becoming harder to present herself as the 'victim' and she is going to be escalating if possible allegations, etc. about me to try and represent herself as such. Of course, if I get the psychological evaluation result I'm expecting - will put up expert witnesses to discuss cognitive distortions, etc. and that she is an unreliable witness.
I'm not playing victim nor righteous. I'm very honest about my faults - but there is no excuse for this.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I re-read "Not 'Just Friends'" from cover to cover last night. I'm apparently in the lowest statistical chance:
Young wife (22) Young marriage (2 years +/-) Long-term EA/PA (4-9 mo) She filed divorce to pursue new R She refuses to admit the A She is showing little to no regard for children's welfare Possibly undiagnosed-BPD (Splitting black/white)
Just going through the motions... but maybe will have a chance to at least get her in therapy.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Received the following reply from OM's old girlfriend:
Quote:
I appreciate the generous consideration you have shown me by divulging the information in your previous message.
I am unsure if you are aware that OM and I are no longer attempting to maintain any sort of relationship. I have neither seen nor heard from him since mid November 2008. He simply cut off our five year relationship and thirteen year friendship without any word or reason. I am now inclined to believe that his relationship with W may be the reason based upon the information in your message.
I am profoundly sorry for you and the dissolution of your family. I was unaware that you and W were getting a divorce. I would gladly aid you in any way that I am able; however, I do not know of a way to assist you. I am not in a position to speak to either OM or W anymore.
Before OM ended our relationship he was told by W that you were abusing her both physically and emotionally. I spoke briefly with him about the 'situation' and I advised him that he should not involve himself because such allegations are extremely serious without proof of abuse. W did not display any bruises or other physical marks, and your behavior did not exhibit any warning signs commonly seen in abusive relationships. OM did not agree with my opinions and he did not explain the reasons for his beliefs to me.
Please let me know if there is any way that I can help you in this horrible situation.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Ahhhh...and THAT'S her story.......She dealt with abuse in her relationship with you. Befriended the man next door, he comforted her when she needed comfort, and continues to see that friend that was there while the abuse ensued. She will seek a restraining order because of the abuse, try to limit your time with child because of abuse, and act "scared" around you when with other people.
NOt true, I imagine. But, there ya go...that's her story.
Question, and I may have missed it or something, it seems like you only see your daughter at the daycare place or for a few hours here and there. Do you take her overnight? If not, why?
Received the following reply from OM's old girlfriend:
Quote:
I appreciate the generous consideration you have shown me by divulging the information in your previous message.
I am unsure if you are aware that OM and I are no longer attempting to maintain any sort of relationship. I have neither seen nor heard from him since mid November 2008. He simply cut off our five year relationship and thirteen year friendship without any word or reason. I am now inclined to believe that his relationship with W may be the reason based upon the information in your message.
I am profoundly sorry for you and the dissolution of your family. I was unaware that you and W were getting a divorce. I would gladly aid you in any way that I am able; however, I do not know of a way to assist you. I am not in a position to speak to either OM or W anymore.
Before OM ended our relationship he was told by W that you were abusing her both physically and emotionally. I spoke briefly with him about the 'situation' and I advised him that he should not involve himself because such allegations are extremely serious without proof of abuse. W did not display any bruises or other physical marks, and your behavior did not exhibit any warning signs commonly seen in abusive relationships. OM did not agree with my opinions and he did not explain the reasons for his beliefs to me.
Please let me know if there is any way that I can help you in this horrible situation.
Seems like pretty good grounds for a SLANDER case, no?
Question, and I may have missed it or something, it seems like you only see your daughter at the daycare place or for a few hours here and there. Do you take her overnight? If not, why?
Prior to my answer/counter-claim I was keeping D1 overnight on every other weekend. Meanwhile W was heading to OM's house "secretly." Afterwards she was preventing me from seeing her at all pending our Pendente Lite Relief hearing. After that I got her every Saturday from 9-4. Otherwise I see her 15-20 minutes each weekday morning at the daycare. W has played indian-giver about overnights since then, saying I could take her to visit my family and then withdrawing the offer a few days before a planned trip.
All the stories of "abuse" I've heard have generally been third-party, except for a few notable incidents:
1. That I tried to "drown her" because she was in the bathtub and I yelled that the phone was ringing. This apparently happened 2+ years ago. 2. That I was "choking her" and she could tell I wanted to "beat the s**t out of her" while referring to us being in the daycare surrounded by her coworkers and kids and nothing actually happened - she just got stressed because of going in front of her boss to discuss visiting D1 in the mornings. I mean... there would be camera footage, witnesses, etc. 3. I've heard from her attorney something about a picture of her with a bruise when she was pregnant. I went to the daycare and obtained a list of people who witnessed her falling when a kid ran into her when she was pregnant - this is where the bruise was from. 4. She has said things like "I'm scared of you!" and when I ask why she says "I'm sorry I just feel that way." Other times she said things like "I feel like you are going to hit me."
So... just bizarre things.
D1 was doing great this morning though. She didn't want to let go of my hand and kept saying "DA DA" and giggling so hard she would bend over forwards like it was tickling her stomach to laugh.
Other notes: Lots of inter-family politics in W's family. MIL's sisters would love to take advantage of this situation (huge Catholic Italian family) in order to cause drama on their end. Meanwhile - they are in a no-win situation. Give me a lot of time with D1 and undercut their argument that I'm "abusive" or go to trial and be exposed. The first thing out of MIL's mouth was "who did you tell?" and asked if I had told her sisters. So that gives me an angle. Reputation is everything to W's family, and I didn't react and play along with their cover story like they expected I would. They figured I would just passively film as usual and they'd have a cover story... but they are trying to micromanage too much. I'm showing pattern, long-term, journal, witnesses, PI report, etc.
So they should probably step outside of the bubble. I'm done giving them legal advice though - I tried but they won't listen. Feels like I'm going up against the mentally handicapped... and that is probably accurate.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I might be missing something, but are you going for full custody? If so, shouldn't you be having your daughter 50/50 AT LEAST right now. How can she not LET you have her? SHe is your daughter as much as your wife's. I don't even get the every weekend thing. If you set precedence of your daughter being with her most of the time, that is what will be.....right?
I don't get the "she won't let me". You go and get her, and let her know you will call the police if she won't let you have your daughter. I would freak out if my H would not let me have my child. This is HER idea to leave you, so why are YOU the one not getting to have your child. It's like you are "visiting" your own daughter.
I might be missing something, but are you going for full custody? If so, shouldn't you be having your daughter 50/50 AT LEAST right now. How can she not LET you have her? SHe is your daughter as much as your wife's. I don't even get the every weekend thing. If you set precedence of your daughter being with her most of the time, that is what will be.....right?
I don't get the "she won't let me". You go and get her, and let her know you will call the police if she won't let you have your daughter. I would freak out if my H would not let me have my child. This is HER idea to leave you, so why are YOU the one not getting to have your child. It's like you are "visiting" your own daughter.
They abused a procedural process designed for deadbeat fathers in order to get an emergency hearing granting her temporary full custody without me having much of a chance to do anything. (They knee-jerk filed it when I hired an attorney) Getting every Saturday is better than what I was facing (2 Sundays a month for 6 hours) because it would have been rubber-stamped despite my evidence.
I had evidence (receipts, communication with W, etc.) to refute all the allegations - but my attorney advised me that it wouldn't matter, the temporary order would be rubber-stamped with "standard" visitation applied. My best option for the most time with D1 was to go for the "deal" they wanted to get out of the courthouse.
My long-term strategy is full custody. But it is unfortunately a long-term strategy. My Psych Eval hearing got pushed to May 12 due to the busy schedule.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
