New here and seeking advice

[25yearsmlc]

Sorry I don't know all your history and only read the past 4 or 5 pages... so if thissounds like a 2 x 4, it may be one BUT I am not sure. I'm only going by these past few posts...but did you honestly feel you were really DBing in this talk with her? Your confidence went UP after this? Why? Sounds more like you made her mad and that...somehow seems to have pleased you? Or you're claiming that she "would've been angry even if I hadn't been that way"??..am I missing something?

I thought your conversation sounded very conditional. Now, perhaps it's all b/c she has been blaming you 100% for the M's problems. If so, I get that. But you'd STILL have to START THE BALL ROLLING which it says in the table of contents of DB books...you almost quoted the "before I read DB" section which was "Why should I be the one to change first?" And the book addresses exactly why we DO have to be the ones to change FIRST AND then, here you are telling her that she has to do blah blah blah for YOU to think that there's a chance.

Also you said nothing about passionately wanting to stay M..it was like you were flipping a coin and could go either way, divorce, stay married, hmmm, how do I feel at this moment??? What's with that? Like gee maybe it'd be more noble to do this CHORELIKE endeavor called marriage"...but for me as a woman, I was struck by it as being sterile and clinical and cold and UNATTRACTIVE...some sort of test or weird game, just my opinion though.

Also Sounded to me that for every "change" you'd make, you got out the measuring tape to make sure she'd be giving an amount that you'd feel was worth your time and effort. NO ONE has the same score card nor do we measure things the same way so there are parts of your M that you will not ever agree on historically. The best you can hope for is moving forward in sync. But for now, that tone is a big turn off for me, especially if you are someone who has been critical of her or unromantic in her eyes. Sounds sooo conditional. If I thought my h was primarily (not solely, but mostly) responsible for the demise of the m, and most WAS DO...then I'd be looking for 180's on his end before I'd take a real look at him. Sounds to me as if you've decided "to teach her a lesson" and that sounds more punitive to me than DBing...it's NOT your job to tell her what she needs to work on...that's just so NOT DBing...'

all you can do in the DB world is tell her what you need in a R...BUT NOT NOW--SHE WANTS OUT OF THE M....SO WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU TELLING HER ABOUT YOUR NEEDS?? SHOULDN'T THAT COME A WHOLE LOT LATER? I'm wondering if you just eliminated any chance of her seeing you as being very different, or more of the same, AND if it's pushing her into a L's arms...or court.

I mean, before the bomb, what were YOUR issues? What exactly do you "own" in your role in this? Is every problem you feel you yourself had, quickly explained by a counter fault of hers that really ends up justifying it? Like "I'd come home on time if she didn't nag so much", or "I may sound controlling but that's bc she can't take negative feedback or constructive critisizm"...??? That's not really owning it. It's just keeping score & justifying being a critical person...and I have never seen that work in a happy M or cause a reconciliation.

But as I said, i'm missing some chunks of your history. If this applies, take heed and if not, ignore it. So far, how's it working? Making her mad and filing may have happened anyway, BUT don't say it proves you were right...meaning, don't look for excuses to justify your pride talking you into a problem, only to pretend it didn't happen. Then you'll be in denial as well.

Hope I got it every single part wrong OR that something written & hashed out here helped you. Sorry if it hurt you, But that's how it hit me.

(( j ))