Ok now this will seem to contradict myself, but I have to make a point based on something in your post. You said:
"There were things he said that told me he has somehow understood the weight and effect of the affair in our marriage. He hinted that this separation could be the thing that would save our marriage, and said that he will want to move back for good for the right reasons (and not just because they fought). He is looking for that reason, among other things."
I am having a problem with the he has "somehow understood the weight and effect of the affair in your marriage". Somehow?
Here's the point I want to make...when you are having an affair, yes you make all kinds of rationalizations to yourself about how it wasn't your fault and I have been trying to tell him/her all along and blah blah blah...but at the same time, YOU KNOW when you are having an affiar HOW THIS WILL AFFECT THE MARRIAGE! To pretend not to "really get it" is bull crap.
When a cheating spouse has you under their thumb and begging for scraps such as, he pretends to only "somehow" understand how the affair affects the marriage, this can mean only one thing: he has brain washed you into believing that he really doesn't get it, BUT HE DOES. They always do.
All that is really happening is that he has the upper hand in the relationship. He knows inside that his affair is death to any normal marriage, but you've also let him know by staying by his side and letting him cake eat, that you are willing to "overlook" how bad the affair really is out of "love" for him. But as I was saying to blueheart above, he isn't really hearing "love" from you, he is hearing "I'll let you wipe your feet on me", to which his only reply could be "what is wrong with a person who would let me do that?"
So like blueheart, my advice to you is to go completely dark and GAL. Pull all the way back and do your own thing.
I know and understand how hard this advice is to take, because of the huge amount of fear and anxiety it produces. But sweetie, he has ALREADY done and continues to do the most horrible thing you can do to a spouse! What more hurt do you fear could be coming?
I'm a big advocate of trying very hard to understand your own contribution to the problems in the marriage, and I truly believe that most WAS's did not want to walk...they feel it was a last resort, or that their OP only turned up at a vulnerable moment but the problems were already there....these things are truly felt by the WAS. It is not b.s.
But at the same time, there is no person who is having an affair that doesn't "understand" what an affair "does to a marriage". That is just pure nonsense.
I have to shake my head at times....when I confessed my first A to my ex-h, I fully thought he might leave me and he would be fully within his rights to do so. I did not throw at him any part of the issue at that time. I just confessed and asked him how he wanted to proceed. There was no confusion on my part AT ALL about whether my A was "caused" by "him". I knew it was my decision and it was wrong and he had every right to hate me for it, no matter how bad our problems were.
My later A's, I never revealed to him, but if he had found out I would not have said "well I didn't realize it would bother you so much, what's the big deal?"
