blueheart...in your last post on your own thread, you wondered if possibly your H has transferred his alcohol addiction to a sex addiction. Yes I would agree with that, and I also have addiction issues so I am speaking from personal experience.
There is literally zero chance that your H and this OW will make it on down the line. But it could go on for a very long time, especially if they are both addicts and it sounds like that might be the case. So are you willing to wait it out, maybe 2 - 5 years for him to come to his senses? Even if you do, he won't respect you by the end of it, because he won't be able to respect someone who let him eat cake.
I'm so sorry to say this but in your sitch, I would absolutely just go dark completely. Yes he will be confused and will wonder what is going on with you, he will ask what's wrong, he may even get angry or say something like "see? This is why I left you!" Let it all roll off your back. As you know, addicts will say things that are not true, especially when their actions are slapping them in their own face.
I know that you fear by going dark you will lose him forever, and that is why you (and most LBS's) don't go dark. Please re-read my original post on this thread. Don't let yourself be fooled by your own heart hoping for something other than reality to be true. There is still and always a chance he will snap out of it before its too late. But ... letting him eat cake will not only prolong his waffling, it will also cause him to feel contempt and disrespect for you purely because you are allowing yourself to be disrespected by him. It doesn't matter that you love him. That is not the message he is getting. What he's hearing is "Go ahead, wipe your feet on me, I love you so its ok"...to which he can only reply "what is wrong with a person who would say that?" Right? I do hope that didn't hurt your feelings, and remember these things all go on subconsciously. Your H is not consciously thinking this...but subconsciously, yes he is.
I'm so sorry, I wish I could say "oh it sounds like everything will be fine". It doesn't sound like that to me. It sounds like you should go dark and begin moving forward. Like I always emphasis though, moving forward doesn't mean divorce per se. It just means moving forward from the position you are currently in. Make that change and move forward to the next step, whatever that is. Moving forward does not mean moving on. It means taking charge of your own life and in that process, at a minimum he WILL respect you. Even if it doesn't bring him back. Remember all that I said above about how he may freak out, yell at you, accuse you of changing the rules, etc, when you try to go dark. IGNORE THIS. It will blow over. Be prepared. I hope you have a good network of people close to you to help you through this difficult time.
