Need some answers from posters in this forum......

[sandi2]

Hello, well I’d like to jump on this bandwagon and give my usual more than two cents worth. As some of you know, I was a rather “late in life” AWAW. With that said, I don’t know that I had "true" MLC, but the symptoms were close enough, okay? So, let me comment on some things that have already been said and these are just my opinions from my experience as an AWAW.

“In my opinion I believe that adultery is not OK, and I feel very strongly about it....BUT I also believe that many Women turn to someone else when they feel their emotional needs are not being met by their Spouse.”

I agree whole heartily! I do not believe adultery is okay. I have always felt very strongly about it. I was raised in a very strict Christian home and continued to live in my own home in the same fashion. I married a man who was very different “emotionally” than I was. I talked about everything to him. I turned myself inside out emotionally to him trying to make a connection and wanting us to be emotionally intimate. He, on the other hand, had nothing to say and was only interested in the physical intimacy. Over the decades of marriage, I read every “how to improve your marriage” book out there (or at least, I felt like I did). I read all the little tricks to spice up your relationship and used quite a bit of my own imagination. But, my emotional needs were starving. Every time I talked to my H about this, he never “got it” and we ended up with me crying and him having nothing to say…..as usual.
I might add that over the decades, many unhappy things happened as it usually does in raising a family and growing older. My health began to get worse and I was on a huge amount of medication, including a lot of anti-depressants. I just threw that in b/c I don’t know if all the meds had anything to do with my actions or not, but I think it did not help my mental condition whatsoever. Finally, it was as if the straw finally came that broke the camel’s back, but I didn’t see it. But, I won’t get into all of that.

“Could they have prevented it? Yes definitely. Did they ask for it, maybe or maybe not. But when something like this happens, there is no excuse because WE ALL know the rules and we all know where the line is.”

Very true and I agree, but still it happened. Do I have an justified excuse? No! Did I feel like I did at the time? I think when I realized I really was in an EA, yes, I think I felt that I had an excuse b/c I was very defensive about it when I was confronted. For an example......my H had not made love to me in 12 years (his choice). I was neglected in many ways. I was lonely, sad, bored, ………on and on I could go with the excuses, but the bottom line is that when all is said and done…it is still wrong.

“But I think that's how most affairs start. It's by people who go out looking for help from other people. I think really everyone should look to their spouse or family or someone from the same sex for advice and comfort. Stop playing with fire, they know they are playing with it and are surprised to find that they can get burned.”

Oh, but I did turn to friends & family for years and years. They did not have the answer. Playing with fire? I think that was the hook. B/c I had always been the proper Christian wife that would never “dream” of doing anything so improper as flirting with another man! So, when it happened in an Internet game, I found it to be very exciting and an ego booster, and very “sinful” to this church-going woman. Therefore, it drew me back for more.

“For whatever reason, I was able to share everything with this guy. Things I could not seem to talk about with Jeff, I easily discussed with him. Todd had taken the soul mate position in my life, and Jeff was booted out. As I've pondered this situation, it makes sense. It's easier to share with a stranger you don't live with, who doesn't know your weaknesses and quirks and who doesn't see you at your worst. There is safety. Home is where the truth is. Home is where your guard is down. Home is where the real you is displayed.”

ABSOLUTELY! I was nothing with the OM over the Internet like I was in real life. I could be the “bad girl” and say things to him that I would not dream of in real life. I also chose to have an EA with a man totally opposite from my H. Strange, huh? You know, I even "tried" to fall in love with him, but in my heart I knew I didn't really love him. He kept pushing to meet with me in real life, and I kept finding excuses for not meeting.

“One word immaturity, What causes a walk away to leave is IMMATURITY”

Well, considering my age, I can’t say that I agree with that statement. There are many reasons that causes women to walk away…….and some ARE justified when abuse is involved. Immaturity was not my problem. Maybe selfishness or close to a emotional breakdown……but not immaturity. That is not to say it is not the problem in a lot of cases with young women and men.

“The WAS is seeking validation, or security, or their needs, elsewhere! Because they have created (in their own head) such a warped since of reality that they refused to sit and talk to their spouse like an adult and express their own needs and why they need what they do.”

That statement does not fit all WAS. As I said, I DID try for years and years to talk to my spouse and tell him what I needed and what I wanted and what kind of R I wanted us to have. But nothing ever changed and finally, after all my attempts in trying to make things better, I was worn down and I got sick and I gave up.

“ If for one second we all got out of our own head and thought about "are we really giving what my spouse really need" the answer would be NO!”

That is probably a true statement about most of us. I did try to meet my spouse’s needs, however, since he would not talk, I had to “guess” at what they were. After a while, you get kind of worn out by trying to be the one in the M that is doing all the work and trying to meet everyone’s needs (including the kids) and you would just like to have a tiny bit of your own needs met occasionally.

“But we are so caught up in our own pain we never for one second think "what is my spouse going through" & it doesn't matter LBS or WAS we both don't do it until it's too late (LBS= when the WAS leaves & WAS = when the fairy tale of the OP dissolves )
WAS are so quick to blame the LBS for all of their issues, but half of the blame is the WAS's”

I DID think about what my spouse was going through and that I was hurting him! But, you are correct in that I was in so much pain. Maybe it was that selfish pain that drove me to continue the fair tale. As far as the blame, I was told by my H that he had done nothing wrong! So, I was faced with all the faults and blame and he sat there self-righteously and smug and did not own any part of the break-down of the MR. The EA was my fault and I never have said that it wasn’t. It was my choice. It was my pain. I was looking for something to make me feel better and my H wasn’t doing it and nothing else was doing it……so you are right about that part. Maybe I could have started drinking, but it didn't occur to me.......

“Did the LBS fulfill all your needs, probably not (were all your needs reasonable "make me happy" do you know what even makes you happy?)”

Yes, I knew what would make me happy……for him to talk to me. Was it reasonable……I thought so.

"Did the WAS fulfill all of the LBS needs, probably not”

How can you if he won’t tell you what they are?

Well, that is just my take on my own stitch. I know there are a lot of bitter and hurt LBS and I am not here to make anyone feel worse, but I do know from my own experience that a WAW can be any age and it can happen for more than one or two reasons. My main answer has been that I believe from a wife’s POV that if a H meets her emotional needs that most women are not going to walk away from that. You notice I said "most" women b/c there will still be the immature and the selfish.

Take care,
Sandi