Ms. H, I'm sorry to read that you are having some down days. You know, maybe it's best to sell and move to a new home. It will give you and the boys a fresh start and your xh will have absolutely no control over that one. He will have to knock or ring the bell to enter as this will be new territory and territory that belongs to you and the boys. No more free entrance passes.
It will also give you an opportunity to declutter and get rid of things that you no longer need or desire to keep. I know, it's a tough task, but one that will need to be done. With the market the way it is, you may be able to sell and purchase something really nice within your price range.
Things happen for a reason and I suspect this chapter of your life is coming to a close, but that doesn't mean that the new chapter is going to be worse...it just means it is time for you to live your life to the fullest w/some exciting changes coming down the pike. Ms. H, it's time to spread your wings and soar!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I make him knock as it is now. He does not have free entrance into the current house.
I also cannot afford to purchase anything else. This area I am stuck living in is so damn unaffordable.
I am trying not to be bitter, but it really p!sses me off that ex got to walk out on his family and have an affair yet he is the one who was able to purchase a new home, in a really nice area, on 1.2 acres of land. Meanwhile, I am the one with the kids and am being forced to sell to move to God know's where, to rent out some place for more money than I am currently paying to stay in a home I own.
It just really gets me mad. Where is the fairness in all of this? Why am I always the one getting punished while he gets away scott free? He gets to have it all (except for the children full time, thank God!) while I and the boys have to suffer.
I don't think I am meant to be happy in this life time.
Hey MissH. I think maybe I have posted to you before? Not really sure. The ages of you, your husband, and your kids are almost identical to my family. My d is 3 1/2 and son is 8. It does seem sometimes as though they "get off" scott free, but I'm sure that's not the case. I know my h is SO confused and has no clue what he is doing with his life. He has told me that. They will suffer with deep regret for many years to come after everything crashes down. We, on the other hand, can hold our heads high, sleep with a clear mind, and enjoy our children. That means a lot more than where we live, or what we have. I know how you feel though, I have had the same thoughts. Try to focus on the positives.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
I make him knock as it is now. He does not have free entrance into the current house.
I also cannot afford to purchase anything else. This area I am stuck living in is so damn unaffordable.
I am trying not to be bitter, but it really p!sses me off that ex got to walk out on his family and have an affair yet he is the one who was able to purchase a new home, in a really nice area, on 1.2 acres of land. Meanwhile, I am the one with the kids and am being forced to sell to move to God know's where, to rent out some place for more money than I am currently paying to stay in a home I own.
It just really gets me mad. Where is the fairness in all of this? Why am I always the one getting punished while he gets away scott free? He gets to have it all (except for the children full time, thank God!) while I and the boys have to suffer.
I don't think I am meant to be happy in this life time.
Miss H, I understand how you feel, its never fair. In fact, life isn't fair. I have heard many on here talk about "what comes around goes around" but I have never seen it in my life. I'm sorry that I am not more comforting to you, but unfortunately, that is the way it is. In almost every situation I have read on this board, the LBS takes the worst of it. Miss H, what you have to do is work on rebuilding your life. It won't be easy and it does take time.
Thanks SoConfused, I'm trying to focus on the positives, but the negatives just keep beating on my door. Unlike your husband, my ex does not show signs of confusion. He is very clear on what he wants. Thank you for stopping by, I appreciate it.
Braveheart, I am with you, I don't believe that most of the MLCers come back. I believe most of them don't. I also don't believe in what comes around goes around because I have yet to see that. Your understanding of my feelings is comfort enough. Thank you.
I don't think we always 'see' the 'what goes around comes around' when it does eventually happen. I don't think we're suppose to.
It's not like it's a 'prize' for our suffering.
There are consequences for every action we make or do not make. That is a fact.
Whether we LBS ever see, ever hear, or ever find out when the circle becomes complete is not a given. But there is no doubt a consequence the other person will encounter for their choices in life.
They will live their lives believing that they are thought of in one way, when in truth, the people they know..and know of their past/actions...will never, ever again be thought of the same. Doesn't mean people will tell them to their face, but their reputations will never be what they were...or what they thought they were.
It doesn't matter how many OW/OM they go through or marry...what material things they are able to obtain, what they do for a living or what positions they might hold....they will always be less than what they once were.
And it will remain this way until/unless they humble themselves enough to take responsibility for their actions/choices and try to fix whatever issues they have the RIGHT way.
I believe this is why so many WAS/MLCer never seem to return to the people we once believed them to be. They cannot, or will not admit their own weaknesses/issues...they cannot humble themselves..and they've learned all too well how to blame others for their failures, and don't know how to take on the blame that they should for their own mistakes/weaknesses.
I truly believe that is why LBS come out of this much stronger and much more confident of themselves. I can't remember ever reading on here about a LBS that didn't have their own awakening....realizing their own contribution to the downfall of their marriage. We (LBS) do a great amount of reflection. We start to realize, in retrospect, all the things we could have done, should have done...but didn't. We start to realize all the things we took for granted, and shouldn't have. We start to realize all the words/actions that we unintentionally may have hurt our spouses with. We also, after some time, start to realize that our spouses could have, should have communicated better with us, before things got so out of hand. That no marriage is 'unfixable'..and it's much easier to fix a marriage than it is to 'replace' a marriage.
We did not fail our marriages/family/home. We fought for these things. Our S, in the end, did not. And there will always be a consequence for that.
How we end up living after we are divorced/separated is an earthly issue, and can/will change throughout our lifetime...married or not. On the other hand, no matter how well off our exes/WAS live...they will never be able to run away from the consequences of their choices.
We don't need to see the results, we only need to know that there are consequences for every action/choice. Even if you never hear someone talking negatively about your ex, I can guarantee you that he is thought of much differently now than he was when he was with you 100% in the marriage. The OW and the materialistic things he may have will never, ever be able to replace the reputation he once enjoyed.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
So well said, Creed. I know my h is undoing his own reputation just by how he presents himself and walks around nowadays. Our whole former circle of friends (my friends now, since he wants to hang out with the young folks) is just left scratching their heads each time he comes around.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Creed I so appreciate your words and thoughts. I know my H, just at the beginning of his MLC can see at times just a hint of what people may think of him based on his choice of having an A while married and leaving me without any chance to work on the marriage with him. I think someday he will come through this crisis and I really don't know if I'll still be waiting. I'm going to try my hardest. I worry that since my H has said he has no energy to put into our marriage, its too much work..that when he comes out of his MLC he'll not want to work at being forgiven, at rebuilding trust and at being honest.
I worry that it will be easier to dispose of me and start fresh elsewhere. With all that has happened in the last few months I'm not sure I know my H well enough to predict anything he will do.. guess thats a sign that the trust isn't there, there is no predictability or dependability.
Miss H. Sometimes we can't change our circumstances. But we always have power over how we see our circumstances and what we do with what we have. Something good will come of this. Sometimes its a positive change within us, sometimes its something external, sometimes its a new person entering our life that will enrich us, sometimes is a lesson our children can learn for their lives, but something good will indeed come your way. Your job is to pay attention and see what it is and run with it! Hang in there!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
