I'm ready to wake up now...........

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Y'all.

Well, I'm back in the house. Still have a lot of un-packing to do.......

Had an issue with H late last week. He didn't like the wording of an e-mail I sent regarding the house (actually it was a reply to an e-mail he sent me). Anyway, he took exception to my wording and threatened to "let the lawyers play". I kept my cool though (hung up on him 2x when he wouldn't stop talking his disrespectful attitude). I think he may have been drinking. Anyway, the next day he sent an e-mail that outlined his "plan" for getting the house done (which will take upwards of a year to do). But, I understand that because we just don't have the money ......

I am going to see a lawyer though because he sent me a proposed budget today that I want advice on. Such as, if declare bankruptcy and the judge allows a home for each of us because we are seperated, does that then reduce my claim on the dream house since that is the one "alloted as his" for the bankruptcy purposes (if indeed the state allows him to do that which I'm not totally conviced they will).

Also, H is now terming the co-pays for C for S18 and me as "luxuries" that he won't allow for (H has stopped his C). I'm pretty sure H underestimated his income a touch(didn't show his raise from his promotion).

H went to dream house for the weekend. Pretty sure he took OW. I so hate that! He promised he wouldn't......I know, I know. Small potatoes. But it still hurts.

T (guy from dating site) is still calling pretty much every day and texting. I like him. He still makes me laugh, but we've also had some serious talks too. At minimum I have a friend in him (but he is openly hoping for more). I have been very honest with him about everything (including the fact that he is not likely to get "lucky" with me any time soon if ever!) and he still wants to meet me.

I'm really not sure how I want to proceed from here. I am feeling weepy a LOT, but the Dr said the new med will take a couple weeks at least to kick in. I'm hoping it helps with the depression (i.e. tired all the time, weepy, no motivation).

I've been thinking about my whole past with H. I remember one time a couple years ago when he had been being so edgy and combative and I asked him if we could just take a month to not fight at all and just be accepting and supportive of the other and not judging. Just to love each other as we were for a month. He said he couldn't do that. When I asked why, he said because he just couldn't. He always contended that he couldn't "respect" me because what was there about me to respect. I wasn't a "Suzy Homemaker" but I wasn't a "Career Woman" either, so what the he** was I? I couldn't answer that question. I agreed with him. I felt I was lucky to have him and I made no bones about telling him so, and he agrees with me!

What does it say about me that I sit here in tears over a guy who doesn't care that neither of his kids want to be around him, and he says he needs space and doesn't have anything to give a relationship any more, and then 2 months later has a girlfriend and is moving in with her.

He has said he feels very clear on what he wants and is very happy with the direction he is going in. I don't see him looking back at all. And even if he did ever want to come back, if I took him back, how could he ever have respect for me then? How could I respect myself?

I'm so angry at myself right now! Why do I have such a tough time really letting go and moving on?!! I never thought of myself as such a freakin' wuss!!