Hey LoginName and delia! Sorry for not coming by in a while. I was trying to GAL, focused on my new job, etc.
I'm the ultimate optimist, when I want something. I can say I'm happy and doing fine, but on the inside I'm in hell. I think of my ex daily, still. I sent him an email a few weeks ago and he hasn't acknowledged receipt of it.
His reaction to my apology was extremely painful, yet expected. All I can do now is see what happens, while desperately trying to GAL.
I was afraid I might regret sending it, but I don't. It's a little more comforting knowing that I got it out in the open. The ball's in his court so to speak.
Quote:
Dear ex,
Thank you for all of the good memories you shared with me. We had some bad times, but I seem to have forgotten them and can only recall the good. I'm so sorry for having hurt you and our family.
If only I could have trusted that we could make things better. You were so sure and strong, and I was so stubborn and anxious. I was so sure that my love for you had turned strictly platonic. I didn't mean to reject you and I'm very sorry that is how it came across. I always felt proud of you; you're a very attractive, handsome man, take care of your body, and a wonderful father. I rejected our relationship. You wanted to change things, I remember, but at the time I didn't think it was a possibility. I thought we'd hurt each other so much that repairing the hurt could never occur. Does that even make sense? What I'm trying to say is that, I got so stuck on what was wrong, that I couldn't see any right, any more.
I know you think I never truly loved you, and I simply used you to have our children, but that is not right at all. I know you think I can't communicate or show my affection. I did have difficulty expressing myself at times, but I've learned from my mistakes and strive to live in the present moment as much as possible; facing issues as they arise instead of putting them away for later.
I'm happy you were able to find a compatible partner in new girlfriend. I was worried by the swiftness of her moving here, but you must have been sure of your feelings. You always had a good handle of your emotions and knew what you wanted. At least I helped you to discern what you didn't want.
As for me, I haven't been happy for a long time. The happiest I've been, was probably when our son was still a baby. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for myself, but I believe I suffered from postpartum depression, among other things. The help I sought to fix what was wrong, only did damage. I'm angry that I wasn't helped properly. Now, after the fact, and after I've completely destroyed everything, I find the truth to what I was going through. It's very upsetting and makes me want to speak up, on behalf of women like me who end up waking from the nightmare they instigated.
I'm trying to keep this brief and to the point. I've wanted to talk to you and pour my heart out to you for an entire year now, but between work, the kids, dodging the arguments and accusations from new girlfriend, my new boyfriend, and worrying that you hate me, I just haven't had the chance to be that confident, assertive woman you found so attractive in the past.
Ex, I think about you daily and each and every time, I get teary. I still love you, actually, I think still isn't the right word. I do love you, and it's killing me.
I know this is inappropriate, but I just had to let you know. Despite everything, if I was to die tomorrow, I'd hate for you to not know how I truly feel about you and how sorry I am. I don't expect anything from you. I simply want you to know that I'm here for you should you ever wish to forgive me.
