Learning to Detach

[Fallgirl]

Sorry, not quite sure how to do that quote thingy but when you say about your H that

"he has said over the last few months that I don't know who he is..."

it made me smile. Seems like MLC brings out such a selfishness in them. So he knows who you are? Do you even know who you are? We`re all on a journey and so much of it has to be made alone with parts of us yet to be revealed to ourselves, never mind anyone else.

So his OW knows him better than you? And you`ve been together 21 years.

No, I wouldn`t say any of that to him but please give yourself a break on that one. MLCers will doing anything to blame those closest to them.

Stand back and stand tall. Do your GAL stuff-you`re already doing that anyhow.

I do think its important that the kids know Dad loves them. I think its important that you praise their Dad to them. "Your Dad loves you dearly and even when you were little he was such a great Dad" give them the anecdotes of chidlhood stuff they`re too young to remember, that kind of thing. I believe it can lessen their sense of conflict and self blame in separation.

And after than trust in their resilience. If you hover too much they`ll just get over anxious.

There`s another woman in all of this. Lord knows what hold she has over your H. Maybe he`s the one feeling a huge split. He`1l feel it more if he sees a happy, attractive,lovingly detached you. He`s got a much bigger bond with you than her-a lifetime of history and two lovely daughters.She may well move on to other prey when she`s finished with him. And he may already be well on his way to discovering the grass is not greener when the honeymoon`s over.

It will take time. Use all that time for you! Get a life just like you`ve been doing. Don`t worry about forgetting his good points. In fact do forget them if it helps you distance from him!

Have as much fun as you possibly can for the girls sake too. Our main duty as parents is to make happy memories for them and to be the happiest people we can be coping with what life throws at us.

I wish you well

[kjensen]

Thanks for the support!
The girls and I were busy today, spring cleaning, yard work and just hanging out. I do speak positively aout their Dad. They both know I'm doing my best to keep our marriage intact and make it stronger.

The OW is older than me, which is a bit unusual, she is 46. She's recently(in the last few years I think) divorced with two younger children (age 8 and 10). They met working out at the local rec center. She is very outgoing and started talking to my H and his friend...My H and the OW both work in the field of finance, doing different things-so I guess that was one thing in common. She is very different from me, in that she wears 'skimpy' workout clothes, has a large tattoo on her back, great body(works out all the time)[mine is OK but a work in progress :)], and is very conservative politically. My H's friend says that my H said he and the OW have had some rows and my H thought the OW was scary when angry. H has told me he feels active when he's with the OW, but he texted me once that he doesn't see building a life with her. I really don't get the hold she has over him, except to say she probably represents the kind of woman my H never thought he would attract.. He did say once that he was surprised she liked him.. the attraction was so strong-it was hard to deny....

Definitely the stuff of adolescence. All of the complaints my H had about life with me, I have worked on. I listen better without inerrpting so much. I am more active(and have lost 20lbs and have kept it off now that my appetite is returning). I appreciate my H whenever I have the opportunity. I rarely watch TV now(no time trying to keep everything going!)

Its funny in our first couple communication class last week, we had to mark a sheet with the things we thought we knew for sure, and the things we didn't know-about our spouses. I felt I knew 11/15 things and my H thought he knew only 8/15 things. One of the items, the most stressful thing that happened in our childhood, my H said he had never heard me tell him before(I know I did at some point in our relationship)!

I guess this is just more evidence that the spouse going through a MLC is so not the person we knew before the MLC. The re-writing of our history, the not knowing who we are, the absentee parenting, the attraction to people they would otherwise have found unattractive...They are different people during this journey. To have faith in the spouse returning to some semblance of their former self seems to be a monumental task. In my mind a marriage committment is for better or worse and this may very well be one type of worse. And I'm still in.

[kjensen]

OK,
I haven't heard from H since the text Friday night. The girls never heard from him this weekend, although D11 got a text tis morning asking how she and her sister were and saying he was busy. She never responded.

H had a meeting in Denver this morning then said he'd be in the (home)office. The girls are out of school today and tomorrow, which he knew, and had wanted to spend time with them on their days off. So this is weird, but maybe not to everyone else. Just weird for my H to be saying he'll do something then not do it. Very odd for him to disregard his business(he has several phone calls and faxes he's missed). Maybe its a phase of MLC-just not sure which...maybe he just doesn't want to be around me at all? Maybe he's just having a grand time with OW..Confused and a bit worried.
I did leave H a quick upbeat voicemail around 3pm, just saying I hoped he had a good weekend and the girls hadn't heard from him (I didn't know about D11s text message)and Just wanted to see how he was. Very brief and cheery(not how I felt at all).

I'm worried when I finally do hear from him, I won't be able to hide my confusion and anger(at his irresponsibility to his children). I'm trying to get my brain in the right place-any advice? Obviously I'm not being/feeling very detached riht now. This weekend I did pretty well overall. I keep wafflng between detachment and anger, not feeling the love right now.
Torn between anger, worry and worse case scenarios in my head(he and OW are off travelling as this was the weekend he wanted to go to Moab with her).

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((k)))))

Detach, detach, detach!

All of your emotions make perfect sense.... but he doesn't need to see them! You can do it! I expect that you have cooked up a pretty awful story in your head.... why not cook up one where you'd be glad just to hear from him when you do? So that you can sound happy to hear from him rather than upset at what he's been doing?

OK, that's weak..... but try it for your girls!

[kjensen]

Thanks VH
I know that's what I need to do. I'm just having a really hard time getting my mind there-lots of worst case scenarios rumbling in my head. Thanks for the input/support. I'm trying to take it one minute at a time.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I can only imagine the things you are imagining! But, right now, you really don't want to know, right?

In his MLC state who knows what he is thinking... (oops, gave him a bit too much credit right there!) I guess when you hear from him, you try to sound upbeat, and keep it short. Then go and beat up a pillow or two....

[peacetoday]

K
You will notice this sort of behavior time and time again from the mler
they are irresponsible and more so as time goes on
It got to the point where we me and the kids do not expect anything form XH
He may or may not show
he may or may not call
I am sad for my kids
THis is a place of pain only a child knows when a father abandons them partially or fully
I detach
from my XH
from his immaturity
from the pain he causes us from the kids pain
the kids find wys to forget Dad
they are happy to see him when he comes, but they dont trust him or expect much after time
there is nothing we can do
I have sugar coated and made excuses for him
they know he is Not there
sorry for your confusion
peace

[kjensen]

D13 texted her dad to see if he could transport her to a school function tomorrow, surprisingly he responded. So he is alive.

I just realized we have the couples communication class tomorrow. I wonder if he'll bail. I really half expect him to, but I will still be disappointed in him if he does. But I will try ot to show it, although maybe he needs to see a more realistic reflection of himself periodically? Any help to the MLCer to have brief reality checks? or are they pretty much useless and hurtful to the DBing?

Actually VH, I much prefer the truth to the ramblings of my mind, because usually, but not always, my imagination is worse. I can handle the truth. When H has told me truthful things about OW and the A I was always calm and collected. When I feel I'm being lied to(and I know it), I have a more difficult time being calm. Truth is always better for me, although often painful of late.

[Virtually_Handsome]

True.... I can see where you would rather know the truth, though maybe not the details!

[kjensen]

Exactly. Had fun with my girls tonight. With H gone, its a different vibe. I think if H returned there would be some adjusting for the girls. D13 would be OK, but D11 has the most anger towards her dad, and doesn't really want much to do with him.

Jeff, I read on our thread about you telling family about getting divorced. My H hasn't mentionned anything to his family about moving out, only that he depressed. I haven't spoken to his parents since they visited in December, because I don't want to be put in a position of needing to lie, or telling the story that is not really mine to tell. Any repercussions that you noticed in telling your family at this point in the process? Anything you would have done differently?