She doesn't love me anymore

[xalelle]

how she wants another band on her wedding ring at five years...?? Huh? Yep... That's what she said last night. She told me that it feels like she is dating me again.

She has stopped planning for a future without you, and "dating" is excellent - this means she is starting to feel the dating type of feeling - the "romantic" part that is the "in love with you" piece WAS always say is missing - and if you think about it you probably were missing it too, pre bomb! Enjoy it and let it take its course.

[PortlandDad]

DN, it almost sounds like you are ready to graduate from the DR/DB newbie forum! If you haven't already, it might be time for you to start reading posts over in the Piecing Forums. Good advice there for folks like you who are rebuilding their relationships and have willing spouses.

It's great to see a things going well for a fellow DB'er!

[Duly Noted]

Thanks X & PD,
Yes... Things seem different now, but she constantly reminds me "...how close I came." and "You're getting a little bit too comfortable." and "I'm starting to feel pressure." She commented on the ML and said that she wanted to do it, but wasn't ready for the "emotional repercussions." We continue to have good conversation, and last night she somewhat warned me not to get too gung ho... In bed this morning she said,"You love me don't you?" When I answered in the affirmative, she has a slight perplexed, far away look. Today, she called me and she proposed that at some point we start seeing the MC again. I have an appointment with an individual therapist next Tuesday and I told her because that is my son's birthday and she asked if we were going to do anything that night. She said, "You didn't tell me about that!" All in all, she has repeatedly told me (or suggested) to keep reading. She really wants me to connect with her daughters. And after our phone conversation today, she sent me an e-mail and i quote, "It’s a fine line for you feeling guilt and remorse because “historically” what has happened is that you went into your shell of pity. I hope today, you will be able to look forward and show ME what our future could be. I want you to be the man I need and be positive!!!"

[xalelle]

Duly,

be very happy that W is giving you these comments! Most WAS simply dont give any feedback - you have no idea what is working, what is not, what they want. Your W is painting it on the wall in 20 foot letters!

Also, remember, don't just do what she asks - she will not believe that over time either. Make sure you are improving where you think you need to improve, as a man, not just to please W! I am not saying don't do anything to please W - as some on this board will - because I personally believe that a good M requires give and take. Love (real love) is a decision, and an action, not a chemical based emotion. You make the decision to care for your S, and part of that decision is sometimes doing things for them, even if they are not your first instinct!

I would like to suggest a book for you - "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/ This book was recommended to me during my first pass through this forum, and helped me immensely. The basic precept is everyone gives and receives love differently. Each person has their own love language, and to be successful in an R, you have to learn how to speak the other persons language.

I will give you an example. One of my W's LLs is "gifts" - not big lavish expensive things, but tokens - love notes, cards, flowers, etc. This dosnt come native to me, as for me my instinct says I show love by taking care of my family financially and physically. Instinctively the fact that I come home every night and provide for my family day after day is how I show love. But one does not translate to the other, and while my W can look at that logically and understands, internally she does not "feel loved" because I am not speaking her language. So as part of my Love for her (love is a decision) I make an effort to think of little things I can do for her from time to time. Just writing a little love note now and then can make a world of difference in our R.

So, while you should be mostly focused on improving you, dont be afraid of making some changes for her - as long as you are committed to continuing whatever change it is, because once you commit to it, and then fail to continue to follow through, you will be back here for sure!

[Duly Noted]

Still status quo. It's a bit uncomfortable. She is not very exuberant. She came up and hugged me the other night, still have not told me she loves me without being prompted. Now I am uncomfortable saying it... Thinking I'll stop and wait for her to make that move. No more ML... We've been talking a bit about the future. She wants to plant flowers and we talked about camping trips with the kids this summer. All in all, I don't see the love there. Maybe I'm confusing the stage 1 "In love infatuation" for a settling in toned down love, but with all this D talk, I'm not sure if she just isn't sure, is taking it slowly, or I'm just paranoid. And I know... Work on me!

The one area that is very difficult is building a relationship with her children... not so much the older one, but the younger one. She is stubborn and argumentative and has a close relationship with her father, which puts a bit of a barrier between us. Problem is, W scrutinizes every interaction and verbal exchange between us and then tries to coach me. There is no was in hell that I can discipline her in any way, or critique anything she does. My thought is that if the daughter relationship doesn't work, neither will the W relationship. I'm getting the feeling that the daughters are more important than me, so I'm expendable, rather than making the daughters conform to some sort of a family unit that includes me. Anyway, I just don't sense a closeness with the W. I'm feeling a bit adrift again after feeling moving in the right direction. I'm feeling almost like she is wavering a bit... not so much by her tone or actions, but by her inactions. Bringing this up, pushing the issue or throwing in the towel are not options for me, but it does beging to grate on me. If I exhibit frustration or try to express my views, it will appear to her as a retreat to "my old self." It's just so damn uncomfortable!

[xalelle]

Duly, i tried to warn you to be ready for this. Return of a WAS seems to almost always be 2 steps forward 1 back - sometimes 1 forward 2 back!

Stop trying to analyze every little detail - in fact, try to focus a little less on W overall!

Absolutely, stop prompting for her to tell you she loves you! every time you do that you make her think and feel like she may just be giving you lip service.. self fulfilling prophecy, eventually it will be nothing but response. Stop telling her. She knows, and it is through your actions that you will show this.

The fact that you are still discussing things together and planning is all positive.. that there is no romance in the air at the moment is just the current waiver in romantic love - it can come back, but even if it does it will come and go, and if you want it you will have to learn how to feed it (lesson I had to learn the hard way with two separate bombs.. and expect I will need another reminder again eventually)

Dont expect closeness.. heck, dont EXPECT anything from W. Just keep working on being the best you can be.

The R with D is tough, but man, for yourself it is important! If you end up spending the rest of your life as part of this family, you have to find a way to make it work. But like any other R, give this time too.. oh, and dont fake it, kids see through that in no time. Just be genuine, caring, and use the same techniques you are using with W (listen, validate, etc) with the Ds! DB is NOT just about how we interact with our spouses, but also how we interact with everyone!

Let me put something in perspective for you. You have only been married 7 months, and on this board about 2 weeks. My first sitch resulted in a 4 month sep, 3.5 months of which was spent on this board, DBing my heart out.. guess what, I am better, and more deserving of the love that I reinspired in my W.. of course I drifted, which is why I am back.. but same lessons returned and are helping us recover again. And even now, with both of us proclaiming joy for the return of romance and "love" to our marriage, there are times when W is distant.. I think still recovering, and still wondering if it is for real.

DBing is for life Duly, not days or weeks. Live it. The rest will fall in place.

[Duly Noted]

X,
Yeah... I sound like a bit of a whiner... Like breaking my fingernail in a room full of pro football players, but thanks for listening and providing your input. I've only been married 7 months, but all of my relationships including my first marriage were marred with the same crap going on here... Looking back, I can see where I felt the same and made the same mistakes in those relationships. The difference is that now, I am committed and trying to do something about them... but it's about as difficult as ever and I'm a hard-headed sort...

[xalelle]

but all of my relationships including my first marriage were marred with the same crap going on here... Looking back, I can see where I felt the same and made the same mistakes in those relationships. The difference is that now, I am committed and trying to do something about them... but it's about as difficult as ever and I'm a hard-headed sort...

So, all of your R's have been essentially the same, and you dont want that to continue.. so DBing is DEFINITELY what you need! You need to learn more about how to take care of you, be who you need to be, and how to build healthy long lasting relationships! Bravo to you for recognising the bad pattern in your history, and for being enough of a man to realise you can do better!

Dont walk out of newcomers too quickly - you may think you are in a different place and forget what you are working on and towards!

Have you made any goals yet? My old DB friends took me to task on this several times, and it was one of the things that absolutely saved me and my M, so I would like to try to do the same for you. Please post your goal list - at least 3 items!

[Duly Noted]

You know... I/we haven't set any goals. I can see where they would be helpful and help you stay focused. Things that come to mind are things like communication, family relationships, spending time together, etc. But I don't know how to agree and implement such a plan.

[xalelle]

Duly,

you are misunderstanding the point of goals - there is no "we". You need to set personal goals for yourself, following DB practices. You must stop trying to make this about you and W!

What are you doing to improve yourself? Set a goal.
What are you doing to Get A Life? Set a goal.
What are you doing to improve your R with the children? Set a goal.

Here are a couple of starter goals for you:

1:Set some goals!
2:Go one day without including W in your posts here (make sure it is a day you post)
3:Plan one activity (even a small one) with the kids.
4:Do a GAL activity (go out with friends) but where drinking does not come into play at all

Come on guy, you have about 1/2 of it - get the other half, which is focus on YOU. You cannot do ANYTHING to change W - let her see that you are someone she wants to be with, is interested in, and let her, if and when she is ready, follow you.

Think back to the days you posted the most positives - they were all after you didnt text, didnt persue, and were out being interesting just by being mysterious.

Get to work on YOU. Read DB/DR again.. and again! Read success posts here. Dig in the newcomers archives, there are a lot of good threads there. See if you can find threads by MAK_ - one of my early inspirations.