Oldtimers: IS Mlcer good parent after crises?

[peacetoday]

Hi
I was wondering if the MLCer becomes a good parent again after the crises?

MY XH was a very devoted dad before the A and crises

During our seperation before the D he still seemed connected to kids
During D: I fought him regarding visitation b/c I didnt want OW to be with my kids
They never met her yet

so MY xh Got 1 overnight every 2 weeks in settlement
if he obetains a 3 bedrrom apt.( he lives with OW in 1 bedroom)

Now MY XH visits less..seems very committed to OW
not his kids (She has no kids and he has vasectomy)

So XH found a way to diconnect from all of us
he doesnt answer phone or return calls
not committed here at all

MY question is
Does that change after the crises is over> Does the MLcer really reconnect with their kids????

I dont see any chance of reconciliation as my XH is moving further away and we connect less now?

any thoughts appreciated

[Upside]

Hi peace-
I'm not sure I qualify as an oldtimer (certainly not a wise oldtimer anyway) but I'll weigh in on your question....

My answer is that there really is not one cookie cutter answer to your question. Just like everything with MLC, everyone's journey through is different. Some make it to the other side and some people just get stuck. I've seen people close to me go through it as a child, a young adult and now (I hate to say it ) as a middle aged adult.

My mother had a crisis 30 years ago and barely spoke to me for 2 years while going through it. Now we couldn't be closer.

When my XH left me over 15 years ago, he was a little disconnected to the kids (they were babies) but always stayed somewhat involved. I think when he figured out that he could use them to hurt me more, he got more involved even took me to court to get more visitation regardless of the fact that they were doing just fine with the schedule they had. The court changed his 2 mid-week dinner visits to overnights. I would like to see how he would like to bounce back and forth between two house holds the way my kids have. My S eventually decided to change his schedule to alternating weeks. My XH, of course, was happy about that because he would be spending less time with me. I just wanted to do what was best for my S. My D just recently told her father that she will not be spending the night at his house anymore because the back and forth is too stressful. My XH asked her why she didn't choose his house and then he implied to her that if she lives with me full-time that she will end up having relationships that don't work out just like me. After they couldn't convince her to change her mind, XH and his wife stopped talking to her. It is still all about them. My poor D...he is treating her like he does me. In the last 15 years, there have not been very many times where XH has considered what is in our kid's best interest.

My H (my children's step-father) disconnected from my kids in the beginning but did not disconnect from his own D. My H is now very supportive of my kids and tries as best he can to show them that he does care. However, I do wonder sometimes if being a full-time step-parent is part of his hang up about not coming back. Doesn't really matter, it is a package deal for at least the next couple of years.

So IMO, there is no cut and dried answer. You will just have to see how things unfold as time goes on. Encourage the relationship on both sides as much as you can and listen to your kids when they need to vent their frustrations about the situation.

I hope and pray for your kids sake that your XH is able to figure out that his kids need him.

(((HUGS)))

[SoCo]

Well, I wish I knew. My h has gotten so disconnected from his children. He always was a really good dad before he started to fall apart. It hurts to watch. I do hope all of these people come to their senses before a wall is built that is too thick to knock down. It's so hard to understand. That's the one part that kills me the most.

[Astimegoeson]

Hi

During D: I fought him regarding visitation b/c I didnt want OW to be with my kids
They never met her yet

so MY xh Got 1 overnight every 2 weeks in settlement
if he obetains a 3 bedrrom apt.( he lives with OW in 1 bedroom)

Have you considered the fact that maybe the constraints you put on him regarding visitation might be a part of the problem?

[braveheart]

I think it really depends on the person, but based on what I have experienced and seen, there is usually so much damage that is done by the MLCer that the children won't have a lot to do with them. My father was terribly mean to all of us when he left my mom and did the things he did. Today, I barely speak to him, he has tried to do some things, but there was just too much hurt to get past. I guess what I am saying is this, when a child feels betrayed by an adult in that way, its very difficult, if not impossible to gain that trust back.

[Sanderika]

Peace,

I want to tell you that your kids are like my son. After all these months H has been with OW (44), OW has NEVER met our son. I won't allow it. Son doesn't want it. H doesn't push it.

I agree with your "agreement". To me just because H wants OW in his life doesn't mean his kids want any part of it. I don't feel bad for my H that he doesn't have son in his life. It's H's choice and his alone. I do not push a relationship between H and son. We are separated with a D pending and we have no visitation agreement at all. H sees son when it is convenient for H.

I have had to realize that our son's feelings towards my H ARE very different from mine. I want H back, son doesn't.

My H left us when our son was 9, he is now 13. His feelings of abandon and neglect by H run so deep in him that he hates him now.

Our son is probably going to be "braveheart" as a man.

Like "braveheart" our son has lost all trust for his dad. If H wants a relationship with his son, H is going to have to do the work, and it won't be easy. I know our son, at 13, feels that deep betrayal and doesn't care at this point if H is in his life. Right now, our son is cordial to his father only because I demand it. When son is a man he will treat H as he pleases or as H deserves, I am sure. He has no need or use for him. When H calls, son says "What's he want"? Son does not want to see his dad or have him around.

Peace,

I think what I am saying is...our kids have suffered so much hurt by this point in time from these MLC dads. Should it really matter to us whether they decide to be goods dads when the crisis is over? I say not.

What should matter to us is the relationship we have with our kids and from what I read about you and what I see right here in my home, our relationship with our kids has been made even stronger because we are the parents that didn't neglect and abandon them. We will be the parents our kids want to be around and turn to not our H's. You and I will have a relationship with our kids even when they are grown and on their own. I honestly can't imagine being my H and not wanting to see my kid everyday. It just blows my mind how someone can be so selfish towards their kids.

My sister and her H divorced when her D's were 3 and 4. Today those girls are 21 and 22. They are married and one has a baby girl. They have had zero contact with their dad since the age of 11 and 12 when their dad finally cut off all contact. Their dad wasn't invited to their HS graduations, weddings and he doesn't even know he is a grandfather. It's all his loss. These are wonderful girls and he is an a$$. He doesn't deserve a relationship with them. OH, he cut off all ties to avoid child support payments.

Peace, put your energy into your relationship with them, he isn't putting any energy or worry into it, so why should you?

You look forward with them, they love and respect you and that is all that should matter to you.

Take care,

Sanderika

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Peace,

I think they become what they were eventually. For good or bad, wht they used to be before their MLC.

Also going a bit with Ast here...

If I got my kid one night every 14 days...provided I got a 3 bedroom apt...

whats the incentive to get a 3 bedroom?

Deal is right now its your x husband. Emphasis "x" does this 3 bedroom deal apply to all the other women he might become invovled with? Does it apply if he remarries?

Wow...that's a bit...vindictive.

You might think you hurting your X and that is fine, but your your also impededing your sons interaction with his father.

[craig54]

You made it very difficult for your x to interact with your children, you are punishing the kids because of the other woman, I know it stinks, but your kids need to see there dad more often.Too many barriers.

[brandnewday]

The children, not the OW need to be the emphasis.

By making such harsh rules you are making it almost impossible for your Husband to be a good Father.

You have put him in a bad predicament, and in doing so, only your children are suffering.

How many hoops do you want the Man to jump through to see his children?

[peacetoday]

I appreciate your posts

MY L said XH needed to have a 3 bedroom so each child( boy and Girl) can have a sepaerate room

I wasnt trying to be vindictive or punish X--I felt situation might not be Safe

I set no restrictions on visitation..he can come and see or take them daily and bring them home
without OW
OW cant meet them for 8 more months per D agreement
XH and I will go to coparenting sessions per D agreement

I just didnt want OW with my kids
It felt like a violation of everything I believe in

and It felt like an unsafe place and I wasnt going to let some women who alept with my XH while we were M meet my kids wiothout a fight
MY XH chose this not me
I wanted to prtect my kids
MY XH is also on anti anxiety meds and lies constantly
I dont trust him either with kids
He is a recovering alcloholic who may be using again I dont know
I do not regret that part and fighting about kids
I regret that XH is so immature that he cant put the kids first and visit regualry here where they are safe

Im not sure if OW is drug addict-My S7 has life threatening allergies and asthma at times
he needs to be carefully fed..gluten free diet
she had DUI a few years ago
she is 28
peace