No, I didn't do anything too stupid. But, I realize that I just need to be alone- I don't have it in me to try to bust anything.
After letting everything go (no pursuit, OT!) my XH called and very tentatively and sweetly asked, "Do you think you could come over on Saturday and help me paint?" Of course I agreed. I wanted that....right?
Uh, no. Now I see why he has kept me out of there.
I simply can't handle it.
I did well, for the most part (on Sunday, BTW, because he lost power after a big storm on Saturday). I got all of the priming and painting done that he wanted. The problem was that I was so uncomfortable there that he surely noticed.
See, last time I went I went to get a beer in the fridge and there were Mike's hard Lemonades in there. Let's just say HE doesn't drink those. Either do I. 'Nuff said.
So, I vowed to steer clear of the fridge...which wasn't easy, since I took food there. I kind of worked my way around it- asking him to hand me this or that, or asking him to put this or that in the fridge. I doubt he caught on to what was going on, though. I was just doing what I do best--- avoidance.
After that, I did pretty well. Like I said, I worked hard and got things done- laughing and having fun while I was doing it.
I noticed lots of odd things in the house that I knew didn't come from him, and I tried my best to avoid thinking about any of it. Fake it til ya make it, they say.
It wasn't perfect, but the best I could fake until the very end. UNTIL, I went to pick up my containers that he had from food I had made him, and right there on the counter was a postcard. Now, I admit, I have no idea who it was from. All I know is that in all the years I lived with him we never received a postcard from anyone. The rest of the time is kind of a blur. I think everything I had surpressed kind of came rushing at me. I mumbled a quick goodbye and got out of there. I didn't do anything nutty (or say anything), but it was an awkward exit. I am sure he saw what I was looking at before I left.
I haven't heard from him. He had asked me to go back tonight (earlier before I freaked), and I have no idea what is up with that at this point.
I know that I need to build these good times with him in order to show him that I am not the same old person, but as long as someone else is in the picture, I just can't.
I know it sounds like speculation, but he did admit to dating, and he hasn't said anything different since then. Yeah, I knew that going in to it. I guess I wanted to believe that something had changed, based on his last 2 weekends being completely free (I knew what he was doing F, Sat, and Sun of last week and this week).
I am not sure what to say if he calls. I don't know if he thinks I am still going there, or if he felt that there was an issue. I don't think I will go into any explanation, just say, "I'm sorry, I can't make it after all."
It hurts because I do believe we were moving towards something. I really tried to just be the better option, but the cost is too high for me. I just don't think that I can believe him, and lots of things around there just reminded me of all of the lies he told me.
I just don't think I can go back to that--- a lot would have to change. I am stuck in a horrible cycle, and right now only he can break it. I don't see that happening.
So, that's that. He knows who I am. He knows how much I have changed. He hasn't. If he is dating (one particular person), the fact is that he is still hanging on me, calling me, and inviting me over. No, he hasn't changed. And, this is a prize I don't want to win. AS MUCH AS IT HURTS.
