Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

Thanks MB. No, she has not yet committed to an apt, but it's pretty much a done deal. I believe she'll do it. I think she needs to for her own sanity. I'm at a place where I need her to go. I'm sorry it's right before mother's day, but that's her choice and not mine.

I'm sorry my kids will likely hate her and need years of therapy to get past this. That's again her choice and their choices how they handle it. I'll do my best to protect them, but I realize there is only so much I can do and that they are old enough to make their own choices as well. It's going to take a long time for me to get over this pain she is causing I'm sure. I'll work through that as it comes.

She does not work. She only goes to school. Funny conversation the other night. She brought up how she thinks this is easier for men. Their wives make their lunches and they only have to go to school. No mommy guilt. I laughed pretty hard at that. She got upset and wanted it to be true because her guy friends said it was so. I said it wasn't and that they are not telling the truth. She thought they were and I said, no, they are not telling themselves the truth. I had to laugh because she so very much wanted me to let her be independent when I was doing that stuff for her. Ironic to me that she said that.

She has been asking questions to help her with her guilt. She asks them in such a way that she gets particular answers.

But that's all for her to deal with. I have to focus on the kids and their well-being now. She'll have to deal with her own issues and self. I can't be responsible for her mental well-being at the cost of my kids. I won't do it any longer at my expense. Actually, I've spent the last week or so not doing that.

She's been very nervous about my feelings. She tried to say that she thinks we'll always be friends. I said we should take it one day at a time, but in fairness, I was answering the previous question as well. She took offense at that. Got nervous about it. She fishes to see if I care. If I still love her. I see a lot of little changes in her such as acting more like a parent and more like an adult. She's come a long way in her journey.

But she's leaving. It's time for me to take more of my part in the journey and figure out what it is I want from myself. From my partner in life. From my family in general. And it's time I start working towards getting what I want out of life. If she can catch up, so be it. If not, then I'll miss her about as much as I do now I think.

It hurts, but I realize it is not in my control. I am. My kids need me. My wife may also, but she needs herself more. She needs to figure out what it is she wants and wants to do to get it. I see her with new running friends. She's dropping the old friends slowly as they disintegrate. They are sucking the life out of her and I think she's coming to terms with that and starting to make changes.

I think she's going to be fine at some point. She may not be with me, but she is going to be fine. So will I. And I will have a clear conscience and two wonderful kids. Oh, and two dogs.

Fitting into my life is going to be up to her from this point forward. She'll have to earn it though. I have too much self-respect to do otherwise.

AJ