Holding onto Hope

[In Limbo]

Sandi,
First of all, I do not think you are negative AT ALL. I need someone to keep me on track as I tend to be way too accomodating and still struggle daily with pursuing and forgetting this MLC guy is NOT the H that I married. I'll first respond to a few things from your 4/24 post, then catch you up on recent events.

As for our separation situation, we don't really have a full separation right now. He is still living in our house, so him being there when I got back from travel was because that's the setup we have. However, he has been staying in a hotel during weekdays with the idea of that giving him time to think, see if he misses me, whatever. Last week I was about ready to ask him to just find a more permanent place because it was getting too confusing. When he is home, we get along well, behave as a family, talk, ML, etc. When he's not home, he still calls, tells me he loves me, etc. I know he still has some contact with OW, but not sure of the extent. Since you read so many sitches, I'll remind you that this was an EA but maybe not the same kind that you had. None of the communication between them was sexual or physical. H expressed his love for OW and in round about ways gave her compliments about her looks, but she treated it as more friendship and he says that while his feelings for her are not "just friends," they are not sexual. I don't know WHAT that means and still don't understand it, but I do know that they were emotionally intimate, sharing things we didn't, spending an inordinate amount of time online, and keeping everything very secretive and I consider that infidelity.

I initially told him that if he couldn't cut the relationship off with OW that we had no hope in R. However, I now realize that I can't control that and with him in MLC I can't make demands. So he's having contact with her but keeping it secret I'm sure. I am doing my best to stop snooping and stop trying to figure out what he's doing. I read somewhere that when your mind starts down a path you don't need to go down to imagine a Stop Sign. That's helped some, but I still slip. I haven't let go of the rope, but I'm doing better with GAL and PMA. No tears for the last 5 days! I've been enjoying my boys, having lunch with friend at work, joining the YMCA tomorrow, etc.

So, on to what happened last Friday morning. My H has a graduate degree, is a very successful professional, officer of his company, etc. He has always used alcohol to "let loose" and over the past few years (past year in particular) he has been drinking more and more heavily. He would usually drive home afterwards and even had to be driven home a couple of times because he was so wasted he could not stand up. It's a real hot button for me as I'm the daughter of a recovering alcoholic, but the more I tried to talk with him about it...guess what...the more he resented me. Last Thursday he was going a concert with four women from old job. How much more MLC can you get - married man, going out with four women - one of who was OW, even though he said he didn't know that until that night - yeah, right! Anyway, I decided to be a good DBer and not contact him on Thursday at all and to GAL. I went out that night with the boys and had a blast playing video games, had a fun dinner with them then went home and took something to help me go to sleep rather than worrying over him until he came home.

So, 3:30am rolls around and the phone rings. Guess where he is? Yep, at the police station arrested for DUI. I was very calm on the phone. On the way to the station, I thought alot about DB and how I could use it. I had been praying for God to convict him, but this was not exactly what I had imagined. I kept thinking that I know how humiliating this is for him and how disasterous this would be for him financially and professionally (two things VERY important to him) not to mention the shame he'd be going through as a father (example to his children). What I normally would have done would be to give him looks of anger/disappointment, given him "the business" about the consequences, complained, griped, etc. I might have even threatened to leave him there. So I decided to do a 180 and not say anything negative to him. I was very nice to him. We went home and I continued the same 180 the next morning. Turns out the OW was going to drive him home, but he had her turn around and take him back to his car b/c he didn't think it was a good idea to be alone in the car with her. He confessed this after first telling me something different. I continued to 180, thanked him for being honest and moved on. I did not ask questions, just listened. Normally I ask ALOT of questions and it drives him crazy. So, I just let him tell me the details in his time.

We spent the day together Friday and talked. He certainly noticed as he stopped me at one point, held me close, looked into my eyes and said "Thank you" for not laying into him, for not "interrogating him," for being with him all day Friday, etc. He says this was a huge wake up call for him not only about DUI, but alot of other things as well. He said it's really made him stop and "take inventory". Since Friday we have gotten along very well. I have continued to DB, not bring up R (except in MC), be very positive, validate, etc. He has not had anything to drink at all since. We were very affectionate, ML several times and yes, we did cuddle as well. I'm not sure if this is allowing cake eating, but I wanted it and enjoyed it.

This morning he did not take his suitcase as he normally would have. I'm not sure if he's decided he wants to stay home weekdays or what. I'm not afraid to ask, but really just want to see if he says anything. I believe I have reached a point where I would be ok and be able to continue to just DB if he does move out permanently, but would prefer for him to stay.

So, I'm not deluding myself into thinking that all is well or that his feelings about M have changed. I'm trying not to read anything into the situation (so hard). I'm also trying to figure out how to proceed given the recent events and his wake up call. I believe he has tickets to an event with OW and her aunt on Thursday (purchased a couple of weeks ago). Normally, I would confront him about it. But I am wondering if I should just wait and see if he comes clean, doesn't go or what. I think what he does Thursday will tell me alot about where his head is now "post-wakeup call." What do you think? Also, should I ask him where he's staying this week or just wait until he says something?

Financially, the Porsche is CERTAINLY out of the picture now and he has agreed to budgeting. If I see anything else alarming over the next 30 days, I'll separate finances.

So, Sandi - am I being a doormat here or is this ok? Should I have more firm boundaries around OW and when he is/isn't staying at home? Could he really be realizing what he was throwing away? I'm not going to bring up R and will continue to only contact him when he contacts me (which is alot lately). I'm continuing to work on my goals and need to set more since I've achieved several of the ones listed earlier. What else should I do?

Thanks for listening to my LOOOOOONNNNNGGGG post!